Dear Ann Landers: Both my husband and I had parents who pitted their children against one another and made it impossible for us to be close. I was determined that competitiveness would never separate my own two children when they were growing up. When their adolescent squabbling turned mean-spirited, I stepped in and helped them learn how to settle things before they destroyed each other.
This worked pretty well until one day when they were in their early teens. They had been quarreling and hurting each other all day, and I was sick of it. I became angry and blew my top. “You must become better friends,” I said, “because God willing, you will both live a long time. I will be gone, and your father will be gone, and all your teachers and many of your friends will be gone. There may be only the two of you left, and you will remember what you were like as children.
“Nobody else will remember the Christmases you had, the tree house you built, the day you learned to ride a bike, the fun you had trick-or-treating, the teacher you loved in the 3rd grade or the kittens born in the laundry. There will be only the two of you, and you had better love each other now because 60 years from now, only you will remember all the wonderful experiences you shared and those memories will be golden.”
They both became very quiet, and I thought perhaps they were too young to understand. But it must have made an impression because they have never squabbled or tried to hurt each other after that. I wish my parents had explained to my sister and me, 40 years ago, that sibling rivalry is natural but brothers and sisters who are not good to each other lose something precious.
Lucille in St. Louis
Dear Lucille: What a beautiful sermon! This is one column I hope will go up on thousands of refrigerators and under dinner plates.
P.S. One way to make sure your children will grow up to hate each other: Show favoritism and keep repeating, “Why aren’t you as smart as your brother (or sister)?” Such remarks are guaranteed to create lifelong animosity. If you want your children to love each other, teach them to respect one another and to help each other succeed. It’s the basis for true friendship.
SHE LETS CHIPS–AND TEETH–FALL WHERE THEY MAY
Dear Ann Landers: Nine of us girls belong to a poker club. We’ve been meeting every Tuesday night for almost 15 years. The stakes are not high enough to hurt anyone, and we all have a good time.
The newest member of the club is causing trouble. I will call her Zelda. We took her in last year when her husband died. Zelda has two artificial teeth in front. They are on a bridge. Whenever Zelda is playing for a big pot, she takes her teeth out and puts them on the chips for luck.
You know as well as I do that the cards are going to fall where they are going to fall, but it is amazing the way Zelda’s luck improves the minute she puts her teeth on the chips. The girls in the club don’t like it–not because she wins but because it is a disgusting sight. Please tell me what should be done.
Yesterday’s Hostess
Dear Hostess: It is in bad taste to dismantle one’s self in the presence of others. Tell Zelda the ladies would appreciate it if she would keep her choppers off the chips.
Since Zelda seems to be compulsive about removing things, suggest that she put her earrings, beads or wristwatch on the chips and leave her teeth in her head.
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Excerpted from Ann Landers’ new book “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” published by Villard and available in bookstores everywhere.
