Another weekend of NFL football is upon us, which is good news for the millions of Americans who enjoy watching insurance salesmen and attorneys scratch their heads on national television.
Of course we’re speaking of the officials, those tireless souls who dedicate thousands of hours each year to the study and enforcement of the rules of football. And still manage, somehow, to miss 320-pound men jumping offside.
It has not been a good season for NFL officials. The last two Monday nights have been particularly brutal. In Green Bay on Oct. 14, officials allowed Packers receiver Don Beebe to get up after a sprawling catch and run into the end zone to complete a 59-yard scoring play.
Replays confirmed what most eyewitnesses saw the first time–49ers cornerback Marquez Pope had touched Beebe while he was down. The play should have been ruled over at that point.
Last Monday night, officials stubbed their stripes on play after play. Raiders defensive tackle Chester McGlockton, who is the approximate size of a condominium, jumped offside in the third quarter, forcing a crucial fumble. There was no flag.
On another play, the Chargers’ Chris Mims was called for roughing Oakland quarterback Jeff Hostetler, even though the hit came before Hostetler threw his pass. No matter. The Raiders were awarded a first down.
Not every call went against the Chargers. San Diego receiver Tony Martin was credited with a touchdown for breaking the plane of the goal line with his fanny, and nothing else. That kind of interpretation could have made William Perry a touchdown machine.
More to the point, that kind of interpretation is eroding public trust in the officials. Worse, it is inspiring talk of a return to instant replay.
Instant replay was tried once before but abandoned after several years for a couple of reasons. One, it wasn’t instant. Studies showed that replay delays added an average of 5 1/2 months to each NFL game. And two, replay did little to correct human error that occurs on the field because, in an ill-fated cost-cutting move, the league hired human beings to staff the replay booths.
A new replay system was tested during this exhibition season, limiting coaches on each team to one challenge of an officials’ call per half. However, there seemed to be a problem with the challenge procedure, which required coaches to slap the head linesman across the face with a leather glove.
Replay is an intrusion of hair-splitting technology on what is supposed to be good, spontaneous fun. It is not the answer. So what is?
Just a thought here. How about if NFL games were officiated by men who actually were NFL officials?
The NFL employs 113 officials, none of whom is a full-time employee of the league. Twenty-one are educators. Five work in insurance. Four are attorneys. Two are former AFL players. There is a pro golfer, a motivational speaker, a longshoreman, a municipal court judge, a firefighter and a foot doctor.
By all accounts these are diligent, hard-working men. But they are men working a second job. Many, by the way, are men old enough to have voted in the 1960 presidential election.
How much would younger, full-time officials help? The guess here is, enough to quell the talk of replay. Perhaps it would even put an end to two of the more annoying moments in pro football–the officials’ conference, and the umpire’s soliloquy.
The conference is when three or more officials gather on the field to decide how to rule on a play that none of them saw. Sources in the league office confirm that a typical conference goes something like this:
Attorney: “I saw the man break the plane of the goal line with his rear end. I clearly remember the rear end.”
Insurance broker: “That was me, you fool. The guy with the ball fell down at the 2.”
High school principal: “I’ve got to confess, fellows, I’ve been a little distracted. We found centerfolds in the boys’ locker room on Thursday afternoon, and the whole town’s in an uproar.”
The umpire’s soliloquy is when the lead official clicks on his wireless microphone and issues either an excessively lengthy and ponderous explanation of the previous play, or a superfluous comment.
Examples:
“That is the end of the third quarter.”
“My, isn’t this a lovely day?”
“After the kick, we have an illegal block on the return team for clipping above the waist and causing the defensive man’s head to snap off and fly out of bounds. However, there is no interference penalty because the man’s head was not catchable. This reminds me of an amusing story I heard while stationed in Guam during the war.”
Until the NFL wises up, we will never know the benefits of younger, full-time officials. But anything would be an improvement over men who can’t tell a tush from a touchdown pass.
