Champion
Bulls. Like the Magical Mystery Tour album, it deserves one last playing.
Hey Dude Award
To Lakers coach Del Harris, for getting a tattoo, presumably to relate better with his team of MTV stars. But there goes his Milligan College alumnus of the year award.
First Player To Be Arrested
Tie between Charlotte’s Anthony Mason and Minnesota’s Isaiah Rider. The 76ers’ Derrick Coleman loses out only because his injured big toe slows him.
Best Rebounder
Charles Barkley. If that’s all he had to do he’d get 30 a game.
Story You Will Not See
For the first time in five years, Charles Barkley will not announce his retirement.
Citizenship Award
Charles Barkley, Rockets. Always well-behaved on the first date.
Rookie of the Year
Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76ers. Will get a lot of points getting upcourt ahead of Derrick Coleman.
Couldn’t They Find John “Hot Plate” Williams
The Clippers, for bringing in Kevin Duckworth and Dwayne Schintzius to go along with Stanley Roberts.
The Chicken Little the Sky Is Really Falling
To the Seattle SuperSonics for paying Jim McIlvaine $35 million to make him the team’s second-highest paid player. McIlvaine’s career statistics: Two seasons, two starts, 12.8 minutes per game playing average, 44 percent shooting (he’s 7 feet 1 inch tall and doesn’t take jumpers), 2.5 rebounds per game and 2.1 points per game.
Pulpit Award
To Charlotte’s Anthony Mason for having the Hornets’ regular pregame invocation shaped into his haircut.
Medicare Award
The Washington Bullets and Phoenix Suns, for using up their medical deductible again before the first week of the season.
Guys Who Should Have Stayed in School
Tie between Walt Williams and Oliver Miller, who each gave up more than $5 million in guaranteed contracts, and then signed for the $247,500 minimum with Toronto and Dallas, respectively.
Most Deserving of a Final Four Appearance
New Jersey Nets, who are being turned into a college program under John Calipari, including not playing any meaningful games after April.
Love Story Award
To the Bulls’ Dennis Rodman for never saying he’s sorry.
Coach Most Likely To Fall off the Fence
Denver’s Bernie Bickerstaff, who has succeeded in taking apart the once-promising team. He’s all who’s left.
Reverence Award
To the Atlanta Hawks, for carrying Christian Laettner and Priest Lauderdale.
Welfare Award
To, appropriately enough, the Washington Bullets, for lousing up the Juwan Howard negotiations, then having the government, er NBA, bail them out by letting them bring back Howard even though they’d already spent their free agent money for Tracy Murray, then letting them keep Murray too, and allowing them to cancel an order with a Pentagon supplier of basketballs for $6 million each.
I’m the Talent Scout, No I’m the Talent Scout
To Dallas’ Jason Kidd and Jim Jackson, whose feud last season supposedly was over mutual interest in popular singer Toni Braxton.
Sixth Man
Toni Kukoc, Bulls. Some more trinkets instead of the All-Star berth he’ll get when he finally becomes a starter.
Social Security Award
To Utah’s Karl Malone and John Stockton, for their one-millionth screen roll.
MVP
Shaquille O’Neal, Lakers. In between rap recordings and Fat Burgers, the big daddy of dunk is going to help the Lakers run up a lot of regular-season victories, more than the Lakers had last season while the Bulls will win fewer games. But, remember, this award is not for Best Player.
GED Award
Minnesota’s Kevin Garnett, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant and Portland’s Jermaine O’Neal for taking college courses in their spare time from Moses Malone.
Economics Award
To the Charlotte Hornets, who couldn’t get out of the first round with Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson healthy against the Bulls without a power forward in 1995, and now don’t have nearly $200 million in liabilities on their books because they don’t have to pay perhaps the two most overrated players in the NBA.
Worst Coach
M.L. Carr, Boston. He wins it one more year and they retire the award.
Coach of the Year
Larry Brown, Pacers. Isn’t it about time?
Hey, Throw Me the Ball
To the four Orlando starters other than Anfernee Hardaway now that Shaquille O’Neal is gone.
Triple-A Award
Pistons coach Doug Collins, for his type A personality going up to AAA with Allan Houston gone and trying to explain to Stacey Augmon what a pass is.
Executive of the Year
Jerry West, Lakers, for signing Shaquille O’Neal and Bulls’ No. 1 pick Travis Knight, and getting Cedric Ceballos to stop wearing his sailor’s cap during games.
Ooops Award
For the first technical foul called by the first woman referee when Warriors players yell for teammate Vernell Coles, also known as Bimbo.
Comeback Player of the Year
San Antonio’s Dominique Wilkins, for introducing the baklava burrito to the Southwest.
Most Gentlemanly
Hakeem Olajuwon. Success hasn’t even come close to spoiling him.
You’ve Got To Be Kidding
To Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy for believing Patrick Ewing, in his contract year, is going to look at Larry Johnson and Allan Houston in the fourth quarter and set screens to get them open.
Patience Award
Washington’s Rod Strickland, who finally gets to make the All-Star team by moving to the talent-poor Eastern Conference.
Attendance Award
John Stockton and Karl Malone, who come into the season with 527 and 385 straight starts, respectively.
Funeral Directors Award
The Bucks’ Glenn Robinson, who enters the season having started 103 straight games, the eighth best streak in the league, without once ever having smiled in a game.
Best Guarded Shooter
Michael Jordan. Nobody does more with more players around him.
Best Open Shooter
The Bulls Steve Kerr, who has hit 52 percent of his three-point attempts the last two seasons combined.
Funniest
The Nets’ Jayson Williams. Too bad the franchise being a joke overshadows him.
Richard Nixon Award
Miami coach Pat Riley, believing the league is out to get him. No, it’s the players association. No, the media. Hey, anyone seen his strawberries? Can you repeat that into the lamp.
Best Owner: The Clippers’ Donald Sterling. Because he likes reporters. Hey, it’s my list.
Reasonable Expectations
To the Minnesota Timberwolves, for setting a goal of breaking the franchise record of 29 victories in a season.
Most Improved Player
The Pacers’ Jalen Rose, who could take over a big share of the playmaker duties with Mark Jackson gone in Indiana.
