In the search to find a roommate, a cluttered car may say as much about incompatibility as a reference or a credit check. A thorough investigation of prospective roommates, however, is only half of the equation that may lead to a happy roomie relationship.
Before the first question is posed to a prospective roommate, people who are considering bringing someone into their home or apartment would do well to first look to themselves, to their own lifestyles, personalities, finances and habits to decide whether they are truly ready to make the sacrifices and reap the benefits of being a roommate.
“It’s definitely a mental shift you have to make,” says Dan Ostrov who, last year, found a roommate for his Wrigleyville two-bedroom apartment through Simply Roommates, a Chicago-based roommate referral service. During other phases of his life, Ostrov, who is a graduate student, had lived alone.
Describing the change in mental attitude that one must make in order to accept a roommate, Ostrov says, “You have to realize it’s not your space alone anymore.”
“If you think that they (roommates) are living in your apartment, and you treat them like they’re a guest and they’re walking on egg shells all the time, then it’s not going to work out,” he adds.
Ensuring that it will work out for both people takes honesty and homework. That is the conclusion reached by Wes Blankenship, a 30-year-old from Des Plaines who is looking for a roommate for the first time in 10 years.
Peeking into a prospective roommate’s car as a way to weed out unsuitable candidates is a roommate-finding theory that Blankenship is testing. He is running a newspaper ad to find a roommate and has talked to 10 candidates over the phone and interviewed one of those in person.
“I wouldn’t take people at their word,” he says of the process. “I’d check their background. I’d even peek in their car to see if it’s messy or neat.”
Blankenship, who is recently divorced, has given much thought to how to find a compatible roommate and, as part of that, also has considered his own needs and ability to get along with others. His desire to have a roommate is prompted by finances.
“I’m taking care of two households now,” he says. “I have a son who I support.”
Besides finding someone who is neat, one of his primary concerns is to find someone who would not object to the pitter-patter of young feet when his 3-year-old son visits. Blankenship’s needs, now that he is a father, are much different than they were 10 years ago when he had his first roommate.
“I wasn’t very thorough,” says Blankenship of the last time he found a roommate through an ad placed in the newspaper. “I was only 19 or 20 years old. I was looking more for a partner to hang out with, to go to bars and meet girls.”
That relationship did not work out because the roommate liked to party a bit too much, Blankenship says. He is still seeking someone with whom he can share some down time, although partying hardy is not on the agenda.
“I wouldn’t mind having someone to rent a movie with on a Sunday afternoon,” he says. “I want someone I can talk with, to be compatible.”
Jan Keltner, owner of A Roommate Connection, another Chicago-based roommate referral service, would applaud Blankenship for thoroughly considering why and what he wants from a roommate–beyond simply having someone to kick in half of each month’s rent.
Keltner says she sometimes gets calls from people who say they want a roommate, but who are clearly not ready to make the compromises that a fair and equal relationship requires.
“I have calls from people who say that they want someone to pay half the rent,” she says. “But they want someone who won’t use the living room, who won’t use the washer and dryer and who would travel most of the time.”
Rather than note down their names, Keltner advises people making those sorts of demands to give more realistic thought to the whole notion of having a roommate. The basis for successful roommate matching is the idea that both partners have to give a little, she says.
“I think the key word is compromise. You have to have tolerance because no one’s lifestyles are going to match exactly,” she explains.
People who have a place to rent and those who are seeking a home are each asked to complete an extensive questionnaire when they contact A Roommate Connection.
“This is sort of like a dating service,” Keltner says. “I ask them a lot of questions. What are their outside interests, their hobbies, their strong objections? What do they do for a living? Are they open to a male or female (roommate)? Are they open to social drinking? Is there room for additional furniture?”
Laura Pentecost, president of Simply Roommates, also gives clients a list of questions for them to ask each other during an initial interview. These questions range from whether they are allergic to pets to what television shows they watch, what supplies, from food to shampoo, they are interested in sharing and what sorts of social activities they enjoy doing.
These questionnaires may give a sketch of what a person is like, but it is up to clients to make the final decision on the intangible question of whether their personalities will mesh.
“I take care of the details (of the questionnaire) but you really have to think about the personality of the person,” she says.
Pentecost makes an effort to link people whom she thinks will get along. Some people, such as Ostrov, have very specific needs. Ostrov is a dog-lover who owns an American Bulldog named Gretta. He wanted to share his large two-bedroom apartment with someone who also owns a dog.
“I wanted someone who had a dog so we could help each other,” he says. “When I’m late or out-of-town, he’ll walk or feed Gretta and I, of course, do the same thing for him.”
The situation has worked well, according to Ostrov’s roommate, Scott Karch.
“If I’m out-of-town, I don’t have to pay someone to look after my dog and the dogs play together,” Karch says. “It’s worked out fantastic.”
Perhaps the reason the Ostrov-Karch situation works so well is because both roommates feel they are gaining from the arrangement and both understand the ground rules for making it work.
Paulette Harary agrees that setting ground rules and being honest are key to the successful roommate relationship. She is a Chicago resident who has had six roommates over the last 10 years. Each of these relationships has worked beautifully, according to Harary.
She attributes her successful roommate relationships to knowing exactly what she seeks from a roommate and then conveying those needs explicitly to prospective candidates.
“I’m very clear about what I want for a roommate and I’ve never gotten a bad one. It’s important to be totally upfront about what you want,” she says.
Harary runs her international consulting business from her spacious home, which is actually two adjoining condominiums in the Belmont Harbor neighborhood. Because she travels often on international business, she wanted someone who would usually be at home as a way to maintain her apartment’s security.
She also wanted someone who would not mind retrieving the occasional fax received on a weekend when she is not at home and would not object if her business and home lives sometimes overlap.
Laying down specific rules before a roommate moves in is a way to avoid future conflicts, she says. For example, Harary does not mind if a roommate borrows her food, but the agreement is that it should be replaced by the next day.
“It’s important that the rules be the same for both of us and we both agree that they are fair,” she says.
The arrangement is working well for Will Hare, a bond trader who relocated from Baltimore and moved into Harary’s apartment in mid-October. One of the attractions for Hare, an amateur pianist, was Harary’s grand piano, which he is welcome to play. He also has a room the size of a studio apartment.
When it comes to crafting a suitable roommate arrangement, Hare advises others “to trust their instincts. We haven’t had any big arguments. It’s a matter of respecting each other’s space. It’s common sense.”
He did, however, sign only a six-month lease. “We didn’t know whether we’d hate each other,” he says with a laugh.
Another idea might be to have a month-to-month lease, suggests Mercy E. Deh of Tinley Park, who is seeking a roommate for her two-bedroom townhouse. She is drawing up a lease based on a prototype of a typical one that she found at her local library.
Bill Alberts, owner of Reliable Roommates, which is based in Elmhurst, says a written roommate agreement, which is much like a lease, is crucial.
“If you do it without a roommate agreement, you’re looking for trouble,” he says. “All major points (from whether smoking is allowed to the rent) should be written down.”
Deh and Blankenship are hoping that they can find roommate arrangements as compatible as those forged by Harary and Hare and by Ostrov and Karch.
Although the life she leads is quite separate from that of current and previous roommates, Harary says she has also found these relationships can turn into long-lasting friendships.
“I think meeting people and living under the same roof is a really special arrangement,” she says. “It allows you to really get to know someone so that you can be friends forever. When someone lives in your home you get to know them so much better than the friends that you meet once every few weeks for an hour for lunch.”
