Julia and Tim attend a brainstorming meeting with other middle managers to discuss a product introduction. Julia tosses out a winning idea. Tim rewords the idea and his male coworkers elaborate. Julia is silent. Tim emerges from the meeting as the idea originator, eager to “get the ball rolling.” Julia leaves near tears.
At 9 a.m., Kathy asks her assistant, Mike, “Would you like to start working on the Avery project?” Mike nods and continues to work on the project on his desk. At 1 p.m., Kathy asks, “Haven’t you started the Avery project yet?” Mike shakes his head and returns to his work. At 3 p.m., Kathy demands Mike complete the Avery project by 5 p.m. He’s angry, wondering why she hadn’t told him it was due that day.
Forget Mars and Venus. Sometimes men and women hail from different solar systems, as illustrated by these examples from the files of male-female communications crackerjack Sue Burch of Sugar Grove. Yet, as more women join the work force, communicating with the opposite sex is as important as owning a decent suit.
Burch, 50, doubles as a Waubonsee Community College psychology instructor and part of the college’s Corporate Development and Training team, which conducts seminars and one-on-one consultations for businesses. Although Waubonsee also dispatches Burch to address birth order, right brain-left brain and laughter in the workplace, her favorite topic is “He Speak/She Speak.”
Long before bookstores filled with “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” “Talking From 9 to 5,” “Genderflex” and “He Says, She Says,” Burch was studying the differences between the ways men and women communicate. As she climbed the academic ladder, from high school English teacher to college instructor/consultant/doctoral candidate, Burch observed the way her colleagues and students communicated.
Burch noticed common threads, regardless of the workplace–academia, manufacturing, sales or marketing. “They affect the way we market products, conduct meetings, interview for jobs,” she says.
Even though power is a bigger factor at the workplace than after-hours, Burch says the same behaviors that apply to communication at home and in social relationships apply at work too.
“For example, whether they are discussing work or family, men tend to one-up one another’s stories. At the end of the conversation, one person wins. Women, on the other hand, compare stories and bond,” Burch says.
Bosses should realize that men and women respond differently to praise and criticism. “When men succeed, they attribute it to their skills. When they fail, they attribute it to others.
“But women give away their success: `I couldn’t have done it without my staff,’ or, `I was lucky.’ Then we take responsibility for our failures. Hey, we even take responsibility for the weather and the economy,” Burch says.
The underlying theory here: Men take a more playful, gamelike approach to their jobs. It’s OK to lose today; there’ll be another game tomorrow. Women take each project personally and are more likely to hold grudges.
“Men report-talk; women rapport-talk,” Burch says. “Men take a logical, controlled approach and consider many women to be wordy, vague and emotional. What women see as encouraging communication (`It’s a good idea, isn’t it?’) men see as a reflection of insecurity.
“Men see a beginning, middle and end of a project. Women see many projects simultaneously. Part of this is cultural; women thrive in chaos because they are more likely to be juggling housework, children and work. The result: Men appear efficient and women disorganized.”
Columnist Dave Barry would agree. In his “Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys,” he defines the “guy brain” as “basically an analytical, problem-solving type of organ. . . . If the guy brain has to form an opinion about another person, it prefers to form that opinion based on something concrete about the person, such as his or her earned-run average.”
It’s not just what people say, Burch says; it’s how they say it. “Research shows only 7 percent of the message comes from actual words. The other 93 percent comes from your tone of voice and your body language,” she says.
Problem is, men’s and women’s bodies speak different languages.
“A woman listens to a coworker, saying, `Uh-huh,’ bobbing her head like one of those puppies in the back window of a car. When she stops bobbing, that means, `Stop talking. It’s my turn.’ But men fail to read this type of body language,” Burch says.
Another body language miscue is smiling and making direct eye contact. “Research shows that from age 7, boys learn to look around as they talk. Yet girls learn to make direct eye contact. To a woman, this means she is listening. To a man, it can be perceived as a come-on,” she says.
Comfort zones vary, too. “Men want to stand 8 feet away, which is why a man will talk from your office doorway instead of sitting in the chair in front of your desk,” Burch says. “But women are more comfortable 4 feet away from other people. A woman will pull her chair up close to your desk.”
Complicating the issue further are communication differences between races and nationalities. But gender differences prevail, Burch says; a woman of color supervising a staff of white males is more likely to encounter gender differences than race differences.
What can men and women do to close the communications divide? Burch says it’s rarely addressed directly by employers, except as a side issue to sexual discrimination. So, unless an employer invites a consultant like Burch to educate the whole crew, it’s up to each individual to become aware of the gender differences and how they affect working relationships with the boss, the subordinate, the guy at the water cooler.
Burch suggests communicating openly and honestly, keeping gender contrasts in mind. If a coworker’s request is unclear, zero in: “Is this what you want?”
“Accept the way men and women complement each other. Women bring empathy, humanity, decorum to the workplace. Men bring order, logic and a gamelike atmosphere,” Burch says. “Sure, there’s a huge gulf between men and women. But can’t we laugh our way to the center?”
