This might (or might not) be a scene in the Oval Office some day soon. Present are Bill Clinton, his shadow Al Gore, a senior adviser, a spin expert, a pollster and a secretary with a computer and a printer.
“Here is the final wording of your apology to African-Americans for slavery,” begins the adviser, handing the president a sheet of paper. “It’s simple, straightforward, sincere. It will make everyone feel better. And it won’t add a dollar to the budget. We’ll have a signing ceremony in the Rose Garden next week and grab the issue away from Congress while it’s still arguing about it.”
“You’re sure I should do this?” Clinton asks. “Isn’t there a downside? Why should people who had nothing to do with slavery apologize for a wrong done to blacks generations ago?”
“It’ll make you look like a statesman, Mr. President,” the pollster says. “Your approval rating went up, remember, after you apologized to the blacks involved in the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.”
“That was different,” muses the president. “That was a government project, carried out by the government. A few of those people are still alive to be apologized to. And it didn’t imply that the whole country was guilty.”
“Ronald Reagan got a boost in his numbers when he issued a formal apology to Japanese-Americans for their internment during World War II,” the pollster points out. “And you helped get the United States out of a nasty situation by apologizing when those military guys raped a girl in Okinawa.”
“Tony Blair apologized to the Irish for the potato famine 150 years ago almost as soon as he took office as British prime minister,” recalls the spin doctor. “It was great P.R.”
“Okay, let’s do it,” shrugs the president, scrawling his initials on the document. “Draw up the usual guest list for the signing. And include that congressman from Ohio, Tony Hall, who has been trying to beat me out by getting Congress to issue the apology.”
Clinton stands up, stretches and leaning on his cane, limps over to the window to look out. “If apologies are such sure-fire political strategy, maybe we should do a few more,” he suggests. “A lot of people think the government has shafted them big time.”
“Great idea,” enthuses the spin doctor. “How about apologizing to Native Americans for stealing their land, breaking treaties, killing off the buffalo and forcing Indian children to go to boarding schools so they could be taught white ways?”
Clinton nods with approval. The senior adviser shows the secretary how she can alter the wording in the slavery apology and make it apply to Native Americans. She pushes some computer keys and prints out the new statement. The president reads it quickly and initials it.
“Chinese-Americans are still angry about the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882,” suggests the senior adviser. “For decades, the United States treated the Chinese who wanted to immigrate to America worse than those from any other nation.”
Five minutes later, Clinton initials the text of another apology.
“What would really hit home with a majority of voters,” reflects the pollster, “would be for the government to apologize for taking so much of their money in taxes and then wasting it in so many ways. The government acts as if it had an inalienable right to the earnings of working people and they really resent it.”
“That’s a good one,” says Clinton. “It might help defuse the anger working-class people feel about the government and let them know that I feel their pain.” The stack of apologies grows.
Clinton mentions the intense negotiations that went on about ways to force the tobacco industry to pay for some of the damage its products cause. He points out that many members of Congress have taken big contributions from tobacco interests, that the Food and Drug Administration has not been allowed to treat tobacco as the dangerous and addictive drug it is and that the United States still continues to subsidize tobacco growers.
“Let’s apologize to all smokers, living and deceased, and to those who love them, for allowing this great tragedy to happen,” says Clinton. The pollster is delighted, suggesting it will reduce feelings of guilt among millions of smokers and anger on the part of those who want them to quit. The group decides that Clinton should apologize to women for not allowing them to vote until 1920–50 years after blacks won that right–and for denying them good government jobs for most of the nation’s past. “Hillary will be pleased,” the president says, as he initials the document.
In less than 20 minutes, the group agrees that Clinton should apologize for the bureaucratic slowness of the FDA that has kept urgently needed drugs unavailable for years. And to senior citizens for allowing Social Security to become a pay-as-you-go system that has not safeguarded their contributions. And to the next generation of children for piling up a huge national debt that they will have to pay.
Finally Al Gore interrupts. “Let’s apologize to the American eagles for almost wiping them out by using DDT as an insecticide,” he proposes. The pollster responds sharply, “Eagles don’t vote.” Clinton groans and say, “Enough. We’ll go with what we have.”
“There is one more apology for you to make, Mr. President,” insists the senior adviser, handing Clinton a sheet of paper.
“Who now?” says the president, impatiently, not glancing at the paper.
“Paula Jones,” says the senior adviser.
