The support group for these women is aptly named Grand Moms, for these are not grandmothers who can blithely say, “Spoil them and send them home.” These are women raising their grandchildren, often under very difficult circumstances.
For some, such as founder and director Gloria Norwood of Waukegan, there was still a child at home (her son was 11) when the 2-year-old grandchild joined the family. The baby of the family was suddenly no longer the baby, and there were “sibling” rivalry issues to be handled.
In other cases, a grandparent may have to ignore his or her own grief over a dead son or daughter to deal with the grief of a grandchild who has lost a parent.
In any case, financial problems are very real for many grandparents forced into the parenting role.
In one of the most extreme cases Norwood has encountered since founding the group in July 1996, the grandmother is caring for her own aged mother, her handicapped daughter and that daughter’s child. “Talk about a sandwich!” Norwood said.
Norwood has had her granddaughter, Amber, 9, for seven years. “Her mother was just too young when she had her, and when she divorced and had no job security, we thought it was best,” she said of the decision to take care of her granddaughter. But she’ll also tell you it isn’t easy. “You are getting your own children raised and are ready to move on with your life,” she explained, “and then you are starting over. I felt so isolated. For many, this is like a closet thing. They don’t want people to know their child messed up and that their family is suffering.”
Hoping to share some of what she has learned as well as connect women in similar situations to a support system, she approached Waukegan Township Supervisor Patricia Jones, who quickly offered meeting space in the township’s Park Place Senior Center.
Jones, who knew Norwood when she worked in an adjacent office at the township offices, said, “I knew how talented and ingenious she is, and I realized there was no better person to organize this.” The need was apparent to Jones from her contact with clients in the township office as well as people who come to Park Place. “We need to keep the support and love of those children in the family,” she said, “but at the same time we need to support the grandmothers who are so separated from (information and support on) child-rearing issues.”
One Friday evening each month, the women meet for conversation and sharing. They may cry a little, laugh a lot and exchange ideas over food they have brought from home. These sessions are confined to grandmothers because, although there may be a grandfather involved, Norwood thinks the woman usually is the primary caregiver.
But, Norwood is quick to say, “this is not just place to lay your burdens down.” An equally important focus is on resource and referral, advocacy and education. On a second Friday each month, family members are invited to join the women to hear speakers on such topics as drugs, health problems, educational issues or legal ramifications of caring for or even adopting the grandchild.
Since forming the support group, Norwood, 49, a teacher’s assistant in the day-care center at the College of Lake County, has worked closely with the Northeastern Illinois Area Council on Aging to keep abreast of legislation on welfare, immigration and other issues that may affect these caregivers. A local attorney who heard of the group has volunteered to consult with members on legal issues such as guardianship and adoption.
Norwood works tirelessly on behalf of Grand Moms. She helped find day care for an employed couple whose daughter left two children with them in the middle of the night and took off. She recently persuaded an optical company to donate eyeglasses for an elderly member of her group. She makes referrals to agencies that can provide such things as respite care for grandmothers who need a break or financial assistance. “I do a lot of fishing around until I find someone to help,” she said.
Besides that, she fields many phone calls from members between meetings. “I never give advice,” she said. “I listen and encourage.”
“Gloria is an excellent lady,” said Lucille Hood of Waukegan. “This grandma thing is in her heart, and she keeps on going even when (the group) is not going well. It’s difficult to get people to share, and attendance is spotty.” There is no real membership list, Norwood explained. People come and go as they see a need, but meetings average about 10 grandmothers.
Hood, 59, a mental health technician at the Ann M. Kiley Center, a residential facility in Waukegan for the mentally disabled, and a volunteer probation officer with the Lake County Juvenile Court, raised 10 children and is raising three grandchildren, all now in their teens. She calls them a “gift” but said she needed Grand Moms. “When you have so many problems of your own, you do not realize there are others with worse problems. . . . I have my health and my strength, so I count my little blessings, and that keeps me going.”
The programs also have helped, Hood said, especially a recent one on special education because it applied to one of her grandchildren.
Alice Martin, 78, of North Chicago, is the oldest Grand Mom. After caring for 137 foster children over a 23-year period, she adopted a daughter and now is raising four grandchildren aged 3 to 12 because their mother cannot care for them.
A widow, she said, “I was feeling so lonely. . . . I needed to get out and be with my peers and to talk with people who understand what I was going through. Raising these children is the roughest job I ever had, but Grand Moms gives me the courage to go on.”
Hood said that raising grandchildren is harder than raising one’s own children because the situation is emotionally charged. “You feel a greater responsibility because you are not the parent,” she said. “And your natural inclination is to be less strict. You feel sad because the parents aren’t there. You can see how hard that is on the children in social situations such as school gatherings.” She and her husband, Henry, have had custody of their grandchildren since the death of a daughter 14 years ago and the divorce of a son and daughter-in-law 15 years ago.
Statistics from the Illinois Department on Aging show an estimated 70,000 children in the state who are living with a grandparent or other relative. The number of children living with grandparents has risen by more than 50 percent over the last 25 years, according to the American Association of Retired Persons, which lists causes including teen pregnancy and AIDS.
There are no dues for Grand Moms, and Norwood often dips into her own pocket to cover the cost of mailings. Speakers donate their services, and a friend, Trina Bryant, supervises children during meetings with the help of student volunteers from Carmel High School in Mundelein.
“Most of these women are pretty tough,” Norwood said of the Grand Moms. “They have gone through so much. If I can lighten their load somewhat, I’m happy.”
Beginning July 11, meetings of Grand Moms will be held at St. Therese Medical Center in Waukegan. For information about the group, call Norwood at 847-625-1808.
