The time has come to pull the plug on 1997 and resort to some radical remedies at Wrigley Field:
1. Cancel the rest of the games. This will give Cubs players extra rest for next year while forcing the depressed, disgusted fans to get a life in August and September.
2. Combine the Cubs and the Sox. Together they could be a contender, or at least a below-.500 team the whole city could relate to.
3. Pick your best farm system players and bring them up now. They’ll bust their butts and probably execute bunts, sacrifices and base-running a whole lot better.
4. Let the Kane County Cougars play in Wrigley Field. No matter what, they’ll bring some fun, right?
5. Put Jerry Reinsdorf, Ron Schueler, Andy MacPhail, Ed Lynch, assorted marketing types and the Tribune board of directors in uniform. They’ll play poorly, but they’ll be so much fun to boo!
6. Hold open tryouts for any ballplayer willing to work for $100,000 plus expenses. Then, when they bat .220, who cares? (On second thought, make it $200,000. After all, this is Wrigleyville.)
7. Open Wrigley Field to fans for pickup games so we can enjoy the whole park. That’s what we come for anyway.
8. Bring the Olympic women’s softball team to Wrigley Field. They love playing, show it and are exciting to watch.
9. If Boston has its Babe Ruth curse, we’ve got our own. It ain’t no billy goat. It’s Greg Maddux. Get him back any way you can.
10. Start an over-50 league in Wrigley Field. It’ll be slow and creaky, but at least we’ll know the players will put the game ahead of the money. We’ll take over-the-hill Banks and Berras any day over state-of-the-art Belles and Bonds.
11. Put the Cubs in Comiskey, the Sox in Wrigley. That way, the Sox will see what it’s like to play to a full house, and the Cubs will get the attendance they deserve.
12. For next year, demolish the stands and construct a circular, state-of-the-art gambling casino around Wrigley, with windows open to the field. Fans could gamble during the game, with an occasional glance toward on-field action. You’d keep attendance high, since folks love to throw their money away. You’d maintain the Cub karma of pervasive losing, with the added benefit of an occasional big winner on the premises–something we don’t have now.
