Dear Dr. Laura: My girlfriend and I have been going out for five years and are talking about marriage. I don’t know if I can trust her because a year and a half ago she cheated and then broke it off with me. We stayed apart for half a year before getting back together. Then she left again. Three months later we got back together. We’ve been together for six months now and I don’t feel I can relax and trust and grow again with her. Should I wait? I’m willing to try, but I don’t want to be stupid.
A — You already know that this relationship is not held together by maturity, commitment and stability. You don’t say how old you are, but I’ll bet you and your girlfriend were high-school sweethearts.
It’s understandable to feel very attached to, even dependent on, the only relationship you’ve ever known. It’s understandable to feel like there must be something wrong with you if she wanders or if the relationship fails. It’s understandable to feel afraid about finding someone new to love. However, those three “understandables” often result in staying in the wrong place with the wrong person out of fear.
Please spend six months in premarital counseling with a therapist or cleric specifically trained in such guidance. You both will be forced to face things in yourselves and in each other that really matter. No matter how that goes, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and real love.
Q — My dad and mom were both young (17 and 15) and not married when I was born. I lived with my mom until I was 2, when she decided she could no longer take care of me and gave me to my grandmother (my dad’s mom).
After my dad married, I went to live with him and his wife. My new mom took care of me from age 3 to age 18, when I married and left home. I’m 22 now, and a year ago I met my biological mother for the first time since I was a baby.
Since then she has not called or made the effort to see me. I have called her twice. She promises she will let me know when she is in town so we can get together. I know she has been here several times and hasn’t called.
I know I don’t need her. I have lived without her all these years, but it hurts knowing she really doesn’t care. Should I just forget about her completely?
A — There is a standard joke that goes, “He has a face only a mother could love.” The implication is that a mother’s love is unconditional.
Our sense of well-being is very affected by the knowledge that we are loved and wanted by our moms and dads. Unfortunately, unlike the way it is in some other mammals, a mother’s love is not built in or instinctive in humans. And there’s the rub. We humans depend psychologically upon parental love for appropriate development, yet that parental love is not guaranteed by nature.
What you must recognize is that you are not being rejected because of any of your own qualities–so don’t take it personally! Your mother had unprotected intercourse at 14 or 15 years old, and conception, a miracle for most of us, was a giant, frightening mistake for her at that time in her life. She is your mother in that she physiologically gave birth to you. But she didn’t have the ability and/or desire to be there to actually raise and love you, so she’s not your mother in that sense.
At this point in her life, maybe she just isn’t comfortable with the reminders of her past or with the obligations a present relationship with you might demand. The problems are with her–and they have nothing to do with your lovableness.
Your dad’s wife is your mother. She assumed the emotional and physical responsibilities of raising you. Of course you can’t entirely ignore the realities of your biological mother. However, you should feel sorry for her instead of for yourself. Look at what she has missed out on.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
