Dear Dr. Laura: Yesterday my 17-year-old son brought up the following moral dilemma: He is a senior in high school and a nondrinker. He is a nondrinker because: 1. It is illegal; and 2. He knows the parental consequences. As a nondrinker, he is often called upon to be the designated driver, which he has agreed to be in the past.
Lately, he has been pondering the following: By agreeing to be the designated driver (for underage drinkers), is he supporting an illegal activity? Is there a difference between agreeing to be the designated driver when asked by someone already drunk and when asked by someone who is preparing to drink? In the first case, there is an immediate need; in the second, there is still a choice to be made.
In the second case, would he be helping someone to make a bad decision? What if he refuses to be the designated driver and that person drinks, drives and has an accident that kills someone else?
We tossed all this around during our weekly family Catholic-catechism lesson, and we still have questions. We would love to hear your take. — Columbus, Ohio
A — These moral dilemmas are just the things families should spend lots of time on — instead of watching TV or surfing the Internet.
If your son is going out with other minors to places where drinks are being served to them illegally (in a bar, a club or somebody’s home), he is putting himself in the wrong places with the wrong folks.
His responsibility of friendship calls for him not only to not participate in such activities but also to warn his friends’ parents of their minor children’s illegal behavior. The parents are responsible for their children’s rehabilitation and access to motor vehicles.
If your son is there when someone is drunk, he could take away their car keys and call their parents to come retrieve them. With the family involved, perhaps the abuse of alcohol would be dealt with. The real time to help is before the fact, not after.
Q — I have a 10-year-old daughter and have been a single mom since she was 3 — when her father decided he would rather do drugs than have his family.
I do not regret my decision to leave him. I promised him when we left that I would never talk badly about him, but I refused to lie for him. I have kept that promise.
I have never received child support from my daughter’s father, and at times it’s been tough. He does send plane tickets so she can visit, and I appreciate that.
The first two years or so we were away he continued to do drugs, so he didn’t see our daughter too often. He then cleaned up his life and moved to another town about 600 miles away. My daughter usually flew to visit her dad at Christmas and for two to three weeks in the summer. They talked on the phone quite often.
Since listening to your radio show, I realized how much she and her dad were missing by seeing each other so rarely. I decided to change her school schedule to year-round (an idea she was very agreeable to), so she now sees her dad every fourth month and stays for four weeks. We all think this arrangement works best.
Yet I feel guilty because, as much as I miss my daughter, I also enjoy the time alone to take a bath or read without interruptions, etc.
Did I do the right thing by changing her school vacations? Does the fact that I kind of enjoy my alone time make me a bad mom? — Minneapolis, Minn.
A — The answer to question No. 1 is “Yes.” Girls who have a healthy relationship with their fathers do better in life and in love.
The answer to No. 2 is “No.” It is specifically because of your goodness as a mom and a person that your daughter has the opportunity to have a functional dad in her life. You didn’t burn the bridge for them. Enjoy the down time because you earned it!
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
