Afew brief lines of poetry written by 16-year-old Joe Reilly of Frankfort express the sorrow and helplessness he felt as he watched his mother, Connie, battle cancer.
“I wonder why–I cry,” he wrote. “I wonder why my mom is in this perpetual pain. And now I have nothing to gain. I wonder why–I cry.”
No one, not Connie Reilly nor her doctors at South Suburban Hospital in Hazel Crest, can say why this 38-year-old mother of two was stricken two years ago with six inoperable brain tumors and end-stage lung cancer.
Told she had only months to live, Reilly embarked on a struggle for her life. Although recurrence will always be a concern for her, the illness has been in remission for a year and a half.
Sitting in her comfortable living room, Reilly hardly looks the angry warrior. Her soft brown hair, lost to chemotherapy, is growing back. Her T-shirt bears a gold guardian angel pin that she wears every day. And although her voice breaks a bit as she talks about the last couple of years, she said she was determined from the first not to give in to self-pity.
“It was a positive decision on my part that I was not going to die of cancer,” she said. “I knew I had to be as strong as I could be to fight it. I told myself, `I’m not going to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself.”‘
Although Reilly drew upon her inner strength to battle the illness, she and her family–including her husband, Bill, and daughter, Nicole, 12–also looked outside themselves for help. They discovered that emotional support for cancer patients was readily available.
Physicians, friends and family say Reilly has demonstrated how the will to survive, combined with medical treatment, education and emotional support, can conquer a devastating illness.
Recalling her first meeting with Reilly, Ann Cuvala, an oncology clinical nurse specialist at South Suburban, said: “She was very angry. I knew right from the start that she was going to fight this illness, whatever the outcome.”
In addition to treating cancer medically, physicians and other experts agree that the social, psychological and emotional aspects of the disease need to be addressed as well. Patients who seek such support “do better,” said Dr. Ramaraja Yalavarthi, a Chicago Heights internist and one of the doctors who treated Reilly.
“The emotional support gives (patients) the strength to fight the cancer,” he added. “Otherwise, they give up, they don’t eat, they have depression. I think (emotional support) helps their immune systems fight the disease.”
Patti McDonald agrees. She is co-director of the Cancer Support Center in Homewood, which provides non-medical help to about 300 cancer patients and their families annually. Though Reilly didn’t look to the center for support, it was there she read her son’s poem on a recent Cancer Survivors Day.
“There’s a lot of research out there that says that people (with cancer) who get (social and psychological) support do better and live longer,” McDonald said.
At South Suburban, Reilly and her mother, Barb Assmann of Homewood, joined a support group called I Can Cope. Its sessions allowed cancer patients and their families to air their feelings about the disease.
“I was having a hard time dealing with (Connie’s cancer),” her mother said. “(In the group), you could talk about it. You kind of felt like you weren’t the only one (with a loved one fighting the disease).”
That sense of support also helps sustain Cindy Figurell of Homewood. She was diagnosed four years ago with breast cancer and attended a group support class at the cancer support center.
“Having cancer is a very isolating experience,” she said. “Meeting other people going through the same thing is very comforting. It’s not that you would wish it on anyone else, but it’s comforting to know other people are going through it.”
Reilly said she often relied on nurse specialist Cuvala to answer questions and to assist in the mental battle against the disease. She had frequent contact with Cuvala during her treatment and still calls her occasionally.
“When I would get down (emotionally),” Reilly said, “(Ann) would say, `You’re going to make it. You have the attitude (to fight). You’re going to make it.”‘
Cuvala assisted in other ways. Reilly’s daughter Nicole has had difficulty dealing with her mother’s illness, and Cuvala referred the family to a counselor who is helping Nicole deal with her feelings.
“We’re striving for Nicole to get out all of these built-up emotions,” Reilly explained.
More than anyone, however, it was Reilly’s family who stood behind her and helped her through the last couple of years.
“My husband never let me go for a treatment or a checkup by myself,” Reilly said. “We always had a good marriage, but it’s even stronger now. I know that he has gone through 10 times more pain and hurt than I have.”
On the other hand, Bill Reilly said he has come to admire his wife’s strength and has been reminded just how precious his family is to him.
“Until you go through something like this you don’t realize what your family is worth to you,” he said. “Good or bad (in marriage), that’s what you’re there for.”
All of the members of the Reilly family have found different ways to express their feelings. However, no outlet seemed to have such an impact on Connie Reilly as her son’s poems.
“She read them (at Cancer Survivor Day), and she started crying and stuff,” Joe said. “But it was nice to hear her read it.”
He started writing the poetry for a school assignment but said the homework turned into a way to get through tough times.
“I write about real things,” he said. “It helps to get things off your chest.”
He added that his relationship with his mother is closer than ever and that he is inspired by her grit and determination.
“She’s always doing stuff for us,” he said. “Even with what she’s been through, she says, `I’m not going to let this get me down.’ “
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The number for the Cancer Support Center is 708-798-9171; the health advisory hotline number providing cancer screening and support group information for South Suburban Hospital, Christ Hospital and Medical Center in Oak Lawn and Trinity Hospital in Chicago is 1-800-323-8622.
