Dinner time at Barbara Kerr’s childhood home was loud, chaotic and happy. Three girls and two parents created a “circus atmosphere,” but one scheduled every night at the same hour. There was talking and, perhaps more important, listening.
“My sisters and I felt valuable and important,” recalled Kerr, a professor of psychology in education at Arizona State University in Tempe. “Our parents were fascinated by our lives. They showed endless interest and asked followup questions about the day.”
Nightly meals at William J. Doherty’s house were opportunities for storytelling. The five kids listened to Dad’s tales about work, then eventually spun their own yarns about school and other activities.
“I first realized my ability to connect with a group by entertaining my family with funny stories about elementary school,” said Doherty, an award-winning professor and director of the marriage and family-therapy program at the University of Minnesota. “The family dinner is a ritual my wife and I carried through with our own children.”
Blake Bowden missed out on dinner hour as a teenager. His single mom was working the second shift, so evening meals were impossible five days a week.
“She probably didn’t realize it, but she compensated by planting herself at the dining room table on off-days or later in the evening,” said Bowden, a therapist at the Center for Developmental Disorders at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. “I always knew if she wasn’t working, she would be in the dining room when I needed to sort out a problem. Even my friends would drop by to talk to her.”
All three researchers realize family life of the late 1990s isn’t like the steady, 9-to-5, two-parent households of the 1950s. But that doesn’t stop them and other psychologists from identifying mealtime as prime time for children’s development.
At the American Psychological Association meeting in Chicago last month, Bowden and co-author Jennie M. Zeisz of DePaul University presented a paper about the behavior of 527 adolescents as it related to family meals. They found well-adjusted teens (12 to 18 years) ate meals with an adult member of the family 5.389 days per week, on average. The “non-adjusted” teens–evaluated for substance abuse, depression, academic motivation and peer relationships–shared similar meals only 3.344 days per week.
Bowden and Zeisz also considered age, gender and family structure as possible predictors for maladjustment. None was as powerful as adult-accompanied meals, which accurately marked 75 percent of the problem teens.
“Some of the adolescents were eating dinner with a grandmother or other adult relative,” said Bowden. “They fared better than the teenagers with parents who arranged less time for daily meals.”
The study confirms other findings. A 1994 Reader’s Digest survey revealed students who ate at least four meals a week with their families scored higher on academic tests than kids with three family meals or less per week. The same project showed more frequent family meals strongly correlated with self-esteem among girls.
“Personal voice is important to teens, especially girls,” said Zeisz, who works for a corporate consulting firm in Chicago. “Research clearly shows girls who talk about their true thoughts are less depressed and more engaged. Dinner conversation can be a great vehicle.”
Kerr presented her “Happy Family Study” paper at the recent psychological meeting. She studied the family backgrounds of 247 freshmen and sophomore college students. While finding it difficult to pinpoint a single family structure as the key to happiness, she discovered parents who encouraged individuality were more appreciated than mothers and fathers who emphasized achievement.
“One new happy family model is parents who are at home more, but not necessarily spending every minute hovering over the child’s homework or reading to them,” explained Kerr. “They are present, maybe working on a catering or software business, while children are often doing their own thing. Many of the students connected happiness with the ability to putter around in the basement or attic as younger kids.”
There was an important exception to the autonomous approach.
“We found there were not a lot of rules in the happier families but a few that everyone follows,” said Kerr. “One common denominator was being home for dinner, no excuses.”
Yet juggling schedules can be a challenge. A 1996 study by Bruskin-Goldring Research found 42 percent of 1,000 Americans surveyed eat dinner with their families every night, and 59 percent make it a habit at least five days each week. That leaves 40 percent of parents looking somewhat guiltily at child-development research.
“Don’t set yourself up for an all-or-nothing scenario,” said Doherty, author of the new book, “The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World” (Addison-Wesley, $22). “If Sunday night is only time, then do a good job with Sunday night. If one parent doesn’t get home early enough Monday through Thursday, then set up a dinner ritual for the kids with the other parent.”
Doherty said he works with one client who is a single mother with a 16-year-old with his own car and part-time evening job. She and the son decided to make Thursdays a special night for a meal and no other plans.
“Look for openings,” said Doherty. “Another family I work with does a regular weekend brunch.”
Not that food on the table and everyone in attendance guarantees success. Doherty and one of his graduate students, Nancy M. Schwartz, studied the dynamics of family meals. He said there can be as much harm in tension at mealtime as not eating together.
“The problem isn’t about the structure of having to eat at 6 p.m. or sit in the same place,” he said. “That can even be good. The trouble starts when parents are nagging kids about table manners and bringing up other sources of conflict, such as report cards or a messy room.”
Doherty said no parent should condone throwing pasta across the table or one sibling kicking another during dinner, but there is a time for disciplinary action on other matters. Too much confrontation is counterproductive to family relationships.
“I recently spoke to a group of teens,” he said. “They enjoy regular family meals, though one of them said the main thing parents need to do is cut down on power talk.”
Another mistake: Leaving the television on during the meal, which research shows is a normal occurrence in about half of U.S. homes. Telephone calls or newspaper reading are equal distractions.
“In order for families to make a positive shift, they need to sit down and communicate,” said Bowden. “Setting a regular mealtime says family togetherness is a priority. It can change the whole fabric of a day, just enough that everyone feels some sense of order rather than total mayhem.”
3 INGREDIENTS FOR SUCCESS
Good food adds to a family meal. But to promote togetherness and identity as a unit, author William J. Doherty marks three ingredients for success in his book “The Intentional Family” (Addison-Wesley, $22):
Transition phase: There needs to be a distinct movement from everyday matters into “ritual space.” It might be dimming lights, lighting candles, playing soft music, setting the table away from a messy kitchen counter or saying a blessing.
Young children are your biggest allies, said Doherty. “Preschoolers love this stuff; they are natural ritualists. You can win them over to mealtime traditions.”
Enactment phase: Eating and talking, which can be pleasurable if parents aren’t using the meal as a disciplinary session. Doherty cautioned against going too far with stern talk about nutrition. One suggestion: Each family member tries everything on his or her plate, but doesn’t have to finish any item (but no impolite remarks to the cook).
Set an exact time for dinner or other meals, even if it changes on a daily basis.
Exit phase: Some families don’t allow any children to leave until everyone is finished. Others allow family members to drift off at will. There is usually a happy medium. What you want to avoid is ending the meal on a sour note.
As for the food, Doherty said even takeout meals on paper plates can provide the makings of a healthful ritual. “You can still set the table, acknowledge you are happy to be together and participate in good conversation. It beats coming in the door and yelling, `Food’s
here.’ “
