Dear Dr. Laura: I am 32 and have been dating a man for a year who is 12 years older. He was married for nine years without any children, by mutual agreement.
From the beginning I have been very clear that I could not compromise on having a child and family. He has never told me “no kids,” but has made it very clear that he would have a child purely to make me happy.
I’m concerned because this is a heavy load for me to bear; I’m afraid of his having a child purely for me.
He’s the man of my dreams but I’m afraid that bringing a child into his life won’t add to his happiness as well. What should I do? — Long Island, N.Y.
A — The “man of your dreams” does not share one important aspect of your dream: the concept of children and family.
I always wonder about the thinking process that leads someone who doesn’t wish to compromise to pursue a person or situation that demands compromise. Could you really be struggling with ambivalence?
It would seem that your first step toward solving this problem is to be more honest about your innermost feelings. It seems you might want to put the melodramatic “man of your dreams” stuff aside (and sacrifice some of the princess treatment you’re probably enjoying) and start dating someone who would truly be a life’s partner in a family situation.
Q — I just read your new book “The Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives.” If you had to pick the one stupidest thing about both men and women, what would it be? — Los Angeles
A — Men and women have in common the inner struggle between their animal nature (female/male) and their human potential (woman/man). Females are more oriented toward safety, nurturance, affiliation, children and nesting, while males are more aggressive, risk-talking, sexually promiscuous and adventuresome.
In order to function well in human society these instincts/drives have to be tempered with morality, ethics, principles, laws and common sense. When this doesn’t happen, folks do stupid things to mess up their lives.
One of the stupidest things men do is to underestimate the emotional and physical importance a wife and family provides them. Women commonly overestimate their ability to nurture a male into becoming a man.
Q — Our son recently completed high school and was planning to go to college. Since graduation, partying and late nights have become a problem. He had a part-time job, so we loaned him money to buy a car for work and school. He lost his job and has not bothered to look for another.
Recently, he had an accident and his car was a write-off. He will receive some compensation which he wants to use to buy another car. We feel the money should be returned to us, because it was a loan.
He wanted to use my car to go to college, and I firmly refused, saying a bus pass will be quite adequate. He now says he will find a full-time job, earn enough money to buy a car, then go to college. I pointed out that he will still have to take the bus to go to work, since my car will not be available.
Did I push him too much? We do not want him to drop out of college. — Seattle, Wash.
A — I think you’ve done right so far and will have to go farther because you’re describing an immature, ungrateful, demanding brat. If he is to continue living in your home while he has this full-time job it should be with mutual agreement on curfews and financial contribution, as well as certain chores.
If he refuses, you should expedite his move into the real world with the gift of his first month’s rent in a modest apartment. After that he’s on his own. This does not mean you cut off your love, involvement, etc. It means only that you realize his need to discover reality and rediscover gratitude.
———-
Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
