A pal, the father of a baby boy, was worried: “What advice do I give my son? Life is so full of pitfalls.”
He’s a good man. He will raise a fine son. But I did send him the following, a father’s advice to a son, which I recently rediscovered reading “The Wapshot Chronicle” by John Cheever.
“Never put whiskey into a hot water bottle crossing border of dry states or counties. Rubber will spoil taste. Never make love with pants on. Beer on whiskey, very risky. Whiskey on beer, never fear. Never eat apples, peaches, pears, etc., while drinking whiskey except long French-style dinners, terminating with fruit. Other viands have mollifying effect. Never sleep in moonlight. Known by scientists to induce madness. Should bed stand beside window, on clear night draw shades before retiring. Never hold cigar at right-angle to fingers. Hayseed. Hold cigar at diagonal. Remove band or not as you prefer. Never wear red necktie. Provide light snorts for ladies if entertaining. Effects of harder stuff on frail sex sometimes disastrous. Bathe in cold water every morning. Painful but exhilarating. Also reduces horniness. Have a haircut once a week. Wear dark clothes after 6 p.m. Eat fresh fish for breakfast when available. Avoid kneeling in unheated stone churches. Ecclesiastical dampness causes prematurely gray hair. Fear tastes like a rusty knife and do not let her into your house. Courage tastes of blood. Stand up straight. Admire the world. Relish the love of a gentle woman. Trust in the Lord.”
In a note, I advised that my new father pal not give this to his son until the boy is well into adulthood.
