For Greg Burke, one is the perfect number. One child, that is.
Growing up the oldest of five, Burke often made sacrifices so his family could make ends meet on his father’s limited income. As an adult, he vowed that wouldn’t happen to a child of his.
After his wife, Donna, gave birth to their son, Devan, Burke had a vasectomy.
“I said, `That’s it,’ ” said the Danville, Calif., resident, a data systems specialist for the Federal Aviation Administration. “I decided I wanted to have quality time with my son, rather than have a lot of children to share my time with.”
The Burkes aren’t the only couple to declare their family complete with one child. The U.S. census shows that only children are a growing trend. In 1984, only 12 percent of women finished their family with one child. Now, 17 percent are having just one. That number is expected to grow. Charles White, who created the Only Child News newsletter with his wife, Carolyn, says a third of the families started today will have just one child.
“I don’t think people realize how the demographics are changing,” said White, who has a daughter, Alexis, 17. “One day, only children will be the norm, not the exception.”
There are a number of reasons for the growth in single-child families, sociologists say. Some families choose to stop at one for economic reasons. Some divorce after the birth of one child.
Others find that a single child makes sense in today’s fast-paced world, especially with more mothers working outside of the home. Many women who have delayed having their first child until their 30s find they are unable to have a second child, a condition called secondary infertility.
That was the case for Jeannie Jones, now 47, and her husband, Jim Fitzgerald, 51, a Walnut Creek, Calif., attorney. Jones was 35 when daughter Jordan was born. The couple intended to have more children, but they never conceived a second.
In retrospect, Jones has no regrets.
“As I have gotten older, I say every day, `Thank God I only have one,’ ” said Jones, who commutes to San Francisco each day as catalog director for Hold Everything. “I could not have the job I have today if I had younger children to look after.”
Jones says her pediatrician gave her excellent advice when she realized Jordan was going to be an only child.
“He said, `Don’t think of her as your only child. Think of her as your first child.’ It was the best advice I got.”
Jones admits Jordan gets more attention from her parents than a child with siblings would. “Is she spoiled? Probably, but not in a bad way. Yes, she gets our full attention, but that means we also know what she’s doing. We don’t let her get away with things.”
Only-child stereotypes are being shattered as single-child families become more common, White says. Instead of being viewed as “lonely onlies” or spoiled, self-centered children, onlies are being recognized for their verbal strengths and self-assurance, garnered from spending much of their time with adults.
Only children are often keenly attuned to personal relationships because they observe how the adults in their homes conduct themselves, White says. Famous onlies include Chelsea Clinton, Indira Gandhi, Elvis Presley and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
“The fact is only children are pretty extraordinary people in terms of their ability to observe,” White said. “Everything they learn about relationships, they learn by observation instead of reacting to siblings. As a result, I think they perceive things in a much deeper way.
“I see a lot of children who need to be entertained a lot. Jordan doesn’t. She’s good at spending time by herself, and I think that’s a good thing.”
There also are economic advantages to having one child, White says. His daughter went to a private all-girls high school and is attending UCLA. “Most people couldn’t provide that kind of quality education for more than one child,” he said.
There are drawbacks to being an only, White says. Only children might find themselves overwhelmed caring for aging parents in later years without the help of siblings. They also might miss the interaction of brothers and sisters while they’re young.
That interaction is important for only children because it teaches them to be less sensitive to the slights of childhood, says Ann Thomas, a psychotherapist specializing in sibling and birth-order issues.
“Only children don’t have very thick skin when it comes to other children. When they have siblings, they learn how to brush things off,” Thomas said. “Parents need to go out of their way to make sure their only child spends time with children their age.”
Only children are sometimes baffled by their agemates’ childlike behavior. Donna Burke says Devan was furious one time because his friends changed the rules of a game, but they kept the game’s name the same.
“Devan wanted them to either follow the rules or change the name. I finally told him that he was 9, not 40, and he needed to stop processing everything like an adult. Children don’t want to analyze everything, I told him. They just want to have fun.”
On the other hand, only children are easy for adults to have around because they tend to be comfortable with adult interests.
“We include Jordan in a lot of stuff because it’s easy it’s not like taking a whole troop of kids along,” Jeannie Jones said.
