Television networks want you to watch TV all year round, of course. But four times a year–November, February, May and, to a lesser degree, July–they really want you to watch a lot of TV.
They do not do this by sending free takeout to any household with a Nielsen Media Service measuring device, mostly, one assumes, because they don’t know who has the ratings boxes.
Instead, they load the schedule with a bevy of mini-series, big movies, special guest stars on series and stunt-casting tricks, the better to persuade you to squander portions of your life in front of the TV during the months when advertising rates are set.
Here are some of the more interesting programs this sweeps period, which runs from Thursday through Nov. 26:
– Mini-series: The most promising of them is CBS’ “Bella Mafia” (Nov. 16 and 18). Lynda LaPlante (“Prime Suspect”) wrote the best-selling story of mafia wives who get together to avenge their husbands’ slayings, and Vanessa Redgrave, Ileanna Douglas and Dennis Farina are among the stars.
“The House of Frankenstein” (Sunday and Monday, NBC) is about an L.A. where mysteriously mutilated bodies start showing up on the streets, and vampires and werewolves are thought to be responsible. The title refers to a club that is the focal point of the preternatural activity. Yes, there is an evil real estate tycoon involved.
In “Medusa’s Child” (Nov. 16 and 20, ABC), it’s more action-adventure aboard an airplane, which is one way to save on set construction. A nuclear warhead ticks away on a cargo plane above Washington, D.C., and the passengers have to try to defuse it or else it will–quoting from the publicity material–“create an electromagnetic pulse that would cripple North America and Europe.”
A second CBS mini-series is “Ken Follett’s The Third Twin” (Nov. 9 and 11), starring Kelly McGillis in a tale of cloning, love and rape.
– Movies: ABC serves up “Into Thin Air” (Nov. 9), a movie version of Jon Krakauer’s great and best-selling book recounting the deaths on Mt. Everest in 1996 (and are you really surprised that it stars Peter Horton?), and the first in its “Oprah Winfrey Presents” series, a version of the novel “Before Women Had Wings” (Sunday) produced by and starring Winfrey. ABC’s “Wonderful World of Disney” offers new versions of “Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella” (Sunday) and what would be Charles Dickens’ “Oliver Twist” (Nov. 16).
On CBS, Angela Lansbury returns as Jessica Fletcher with a new “Murder, She Wrote” chapter titled “South by Southwest” (Sunday).
– Series: The big highlight, of course, is the “The X-Files” finally starting its season, answering the question of whether Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) is really dead (Sunday, Fox). Anybody want to take odds?
Meanwhile, the last brand-new series of the fall to make its debut is NBC’s “Sleepwalkers” (Saturday), which is sort of, like, about people and their dreams and what they really mean. Watch it if you like confusion.
Two of TV’s best drama series, NBC’s “Law & Order” and “Homicide,” combine for another two-part crossover episode (Nov. 12 and 14). The plot here involves a dead 14-year-old model in “L&O’s” New York, whose demise may be linked to child abuse in her (and “Homicide’s”) hometown of Baltimore. The last time they did this, it was scintillating TV.
John Tesh, whose special TV appearances are usually limited to PBS pledge drives, pops up on “The Naked Truth” (Nov. 10, NBC). On “Jenny,” the star, in a plot that I am just stunned they are airing during sweeps, takes up beach volleyball (Sunday, NBC). Who wants to see Jenny McCarthy in a bathing suit?
“Diagnosis Murder” (Nov. 13, CBS) concocts a reunion of legendary television spies Barbara Bain, Robert Vaughn, Robert Culp and Patrick Macnee. In fact, CBS is reunion-happy this month: On Monday, “George & Leo” brings in 19 co-stars from the four most popular former series of stars Bob Newhart and Judd Hirsch.
“Murphy Brown” gets a little daring by having the lead character contemplate smoking a joint to help alleviate her chemotherapy pain (Nov. 5).
– Specials: Uh-oh. It’s figure skating time again. The U.S. pro championships are on ABC (Saturday). And CBS offers something called “Scott Hamilton: Back on the Ice” (Nov. 5), which will manage to incorporate the star’s recovery from cancer, other skaters and Olivia Newton-John and Kenny G.
It’ll be a war between the sublime and the subhumorous when Penn & Teller commit public acts of trickery but also have to accommodate guest stars from “The Drew Carey Show” for their ABC special (Nov. 11).
More Drew Carey as co-host of something called the–no kidding–“All Star TV Censored Tickle Me Bloopers” (Nov. 19, NBC). That will come hot on the heels of the “All-New All-Star TV Censored When Bloopers Attack!” (Nov. 12, NBC).
The classic “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” airs on CBS Friday. And the probably-not-classic “World’s Scariest Police Chases 3” shows up on Fox Nov. 4.
