The following Q&A is a compilation of parenting advice from a number of columnists and sources, listed at the end of each answer.
Q: We’ve hired a wonderful baby-sitter to take care of our new daughter now that my maternity leave has ended and I’ve returned to my job. It’s a great situation, because I’m able to do most of my work from home. My daughter is taking the bottle, but I’m still nursing and want to continue for another six months. How do I make sure that the sitter feels comfortable and in charge, even though I’m around most of the time and nursing my baby?
A: On the surface, this situation would appear to be perfect. Your baby is in the care of a trusted nanny, and Mom is never far away. But there’s potential for conflict. Unless you handle things carefully, two heads may not be better than one.
There used to be a baby-sitting service in our community that charged extra if a parent was in the house with the caregiver. The agency’s view was that children were harder to care for with a parent around, either because the kids would be confused and difficult for the caregiver or because the parent would interfere. While that may be an extreme policy, it does point out how caregivers are sensitive to this matter.
A key to any parent-caregiver relationship is regular, candid communication. That’s especially true when, in your case, there are issues that don’t exist for a caregiver who’s alone with a child all day. Encourage her frequently to tell you how she thinks things are going, not just when a problem arises.
On most matters, you’ll probably be happy to let the nanny handle things on her own. Otherwise, you’ll never get any work done. But there will be times when you’ll be tempted to intervene, and you need to resist the temptation.
Nothing is tougher for a mother than to ignore her baby’s crying. Early on, you may decide to comfort your daughter yourself, especially if the fussing lasts a long time. But you can’t make this a habit. And, if you do intervene, you should assure the nanny that you know the baby is fine in her care but that you need to respond for your own peace of mind.
We’ve known home-based workers who let the nanny handle everything and won’t leave the desk unless she asks for assistance. You may find this extreme. But however you handle the issue, put yourself in the nanny’s place to understand how your reactions affect her job.
The nanny has to find her own ways to put the baby to sleep and to comfort her when she’s fussy. If you intervene too often, the sitter will have less opportunity to figure out what works with your baby. The other risk is that as your child gets older, she’ll learn to demand your attention repeatedly, knowing you’re likely to respond.
Since your daughter is willing to take a bottle, you may want to pump occasionally during working hours. That way, instead of being tied to you all day, the nanny can take the baby on outings and give her breast milk from the bottle.
That also will be helpful when you may have to go to the office. And it will enable you and your daughter to adapt gradually to the time when you’ll be weaning her anyway.
From Susan Crites Price and Tom Price, Cox News Service
Q: Help! How can I stop my 3-year-old from whining?
A: I have noticed children will sometimes whine more if they are tired, angry, sick or hungry. If none of these applies to the current whining-complaining situation, then reverse roles. In my new book, “Mommy — CEO (Constantly Evaluating Others) 5 Golden Rules,” I tell parents to do a little reverse role playing with the kids to make a point. Show and tell them how they sound. Or, as they get around 3 years old and older, try a little humor. Sing the “Waa-Waa” song. Choose a well-known tune and march in place, smile, swing your arms and sing the same “Waa-Waa” phrase over and over. Most of the time they will begin to laugh and join in changing the mood for everyone.
From Jodie Lynn, Knight-Ridder Newspapers, who includes advice from readers:
In my experience, there is just no way to stop a 3-year-old from whining. At the end of the day, I find myself saying, “Eeeeeeee-yaan, stop whiiinnning!” It’s annoying, but I do think the more you ignore it, the faster it goes away. I also direct my preschooler to say “please” and “thank you,” and I’ve tried to teach him the meaning of respect — respect for his parents, other adults and his peers. This seems to help with the whining a bit because he knows I won’t respond to him if he says, “I want joooooooo-ice, Maaaaamaaaa!” I only answer to, “May I have some juice, please?” –Karen Hertzberg of Delafield, Wis.
I tell my grandchildren I will not pay any attention to them if they whine while asking for or telling me something. They are to say, “Excuse me, grandmother, may I have a cookie, drink, etc.” Children must learn at an early age to respect the feelings of others. If they whine to get attention and to get what they want, it will have the opposite effect. –J. Woods of Ft. Wayne, Ind.
Q: At a recent talk that I attended, you said that when children misbehave, they should learn that misbehavior is not “free” — it should cost them something. I get frustrated because when one of my children misbehaves, I usually can’t think of an appropriate consequence. The author of one parenting book I read says consequences should be either “natural” or “logical.” That just confuses me further. Help!
A: Yes, we parenting “experts” do seem to have an unwitting knack for making simple things confusing. One such area of confusion, even misinformation, concerns dispensing consequences for misbehavior. We’ve convinced parents that when a child misbehaves, the consequence must be delivered immediately lest the child not make the connection. Indeed, that is true regarding children younger than 3 (because long-term memory does not begin to form until that age). Past that point, it is less and less necessary to deliver consequences immediately. A child of 3 1/2, for example, can make the connection between a misbehavior and a consequence that is delivered the next day! By age 4, the delay can be upwards of several days, and by age 6, the delay can be as much as a week. The mistaken belief that consequences must be delivered on the spot causes parents to become frustrated, yell, threaten, and do other things they later regret.
Now, here’s a fact: More often than not, when a child misbehaves, an appropriate consequence is not immediately available.
I’d say that’s true at least 75 percent of the time. Not a problem. In the first place, if the misbehavior in question is not chronic, and the child in question is generally well-behaved, the parent needs to do nothing more than simply say, “I don’t like that” or words to that effect. By definition, the well-behaved child values parental approval; therefore, parental disapproval will be sufficiently “corrective,” generally speaking.
When a consequence is clearly in order, as when a child is disrespectful or defiant, and one is not immediately available — as will usually be the case — the parent should shrug his shoulders and walk away. That’s right, just bide time, relax or as my daughter would say, chill. Within a suitable period of time, a consequence will present itself. I call this “waiting for a strategic opportunity.”
Let’s say a 5-year-old, upon being told to pick up his toys, says, “I don’t want to.” Mom, having assessed the situation and come up “empty-handed” (and knowing that 99 percent of threats can’t be followed through with), simply shrugs her shoulders and picks up the toys herself, without a word of complaint. The next day (!), this same child asks permission to go to a friend’s house, at which point Mom says, “Under normal circumstances, you could go, but not today because yesterday, when I told you to pick up your toys, you refused to obey.” The child, of course, will fall into a swoon, complaining that Mom isn’t being “fair” and perhaps even disavowing love for her. Mom, unmoved, just walks away, letting her young rebel “stew in his own juices.”
In the real world, when a person misbehaves, the consequence is rarely experienced immediately. Parents need to portray the workings of the real world, as early in their children’s lives as those workings can be revealed. Therefore, parents need not — should not, even — deliver consequences immediately (except with very young children).
To the business of “natural” and “logical” consequences: The concept is, I agree, confusing. Furthermore, the real world does not operate according to this rule. What, pray tell, is “logical” about going to jail for five years for embezzling thousands of dollars from one’s employer? Nothing! What’s “logical” about not being allowed to go to a friend’s house because you didn’t pick up your toys? Nothing! Nonetheless, going to jail will serve as a powerful deterrent against further embezzling, and not being able to play with a friend will serve as a powerful deterrent against future disobedience.
In short, when it comes to consequences, parents should simply do what works, whether what works is “logical” or not. Isn’t that simple?
From John Rosemond, Knight-Ridder Newspapers
Q: We are nervous about our son’s parent-teacher conference. We wonder if last year’s teacher said bad things about him; she did not like it when I came to visit or asked to volunteer. Can I ask about this? How should we prepare for the conference?
A: Be honest with the teacher, explain your concern about last year, and ask to see the contents of your child’s file. It is your right under the law (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) to ask to see your child’s school records. If the previous teacher wrote a negative comment, it is your right to add your own letter, giving your opinion or further information. Your letter will then become part of your child’s permanent records.
Try not to be nervous about the conference; remember, the teacher may be anxious too. Teachers are under pressure to cover a lot in a short time, so the best thing you can do is have a positive attitude and be well prepared.
– Ask your child if there is anything he wants you to discuss. This will clue you in to possible problems.
– If your son has any health problems, share them. If there are any other family problems, decide what information you should share.
– Write down your questions ahead of time and take them with you. Prioritize them, in case time is short.
– Be specific. You may want to ask how your son gets along with others, or what friendships you could encourage. You may want to see examples of your child`s work or know how grades are determined.
– Ask for specifics on what you can do at home to help. Encourage ongoing communication with the teacher, and leave your home and work numbers.
– Tell the teacher things about your child that he or she should know: what motivates him, what are his interests, what are his special talents or strengths.
– The purpose of conferences is to share information and work together for the good of the child. It’s teamwork and you are on the team.
You may want to send for the brochure “Tips on School,” which includes tips on working with schools, child and parent rights, homework, transferring schools, multi-age classrooms, grades, homework, retention, at-risk children, and a national parent hot line. Write a $2 check to Tips Dept.12 and send with SASE to Tips, 50 Ashley Creek Dr., Newnan, Ga. 30263.
From Evelyn Petersen, Knight-Ridder/Tribune News Service
