Isn’t it odd that the only time John Madden hasn’t said “boom” to describe something is when there was an actual boom to describe?
That would be during last month’s 49ers-Rams game at 3Com Park, when the Navy’s stunt-flying Blue Angels boomed over the stadium. Madden couldn’t stop talking about it, yet never a “boom.”
His preferred description for sonic booms was, “Holy moley!”
Now, to business, which is to thank PBS and “Stephen Hawking’s Universe” for finally enabling me to understand the content ratings on television.
These aren’t ratings as in how many people watched a particular show. These are the TV-14 s,l,v,d kind of ratings that would make Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) happy, if he watched TV.
Clearly there is an astral correlation. Like the universe itself, the content ratings will expand forever, or they will collapse, due to their own gravity, into a deadening crunch.
For the moment, they’re expanding and spinning off new galaxies of ratings.
First there were TV-G, TV-14 and so on, based on a program’s suitability for various age groups. Then, the added ratings for content — s (sex), l (language), v (violence) and d (suggestive dialogue).
Just to give you one example, the Oct. 23 episode of ABC’s “Cracker” was rated TV-14 l,s,v. Stands to reason, because the episode’s title is “‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore.” The title card alone is worth a TV-14 l,s,v.
But the TV universe is full of anomalies. NBC accepts the age labels but rejects the content ratings. For that refusal, McCain is threatening to revoke the broadcast licenses at the TV stations owned by NBC. McCain might run for president in the year 2000, you see, and he thinks he’s sniffed out a foolproof issue.
When NBC deems it necessary, it will furnish additional viewer advisories of its own creation. Not s,l,v and d, but more like, “Watch out — the following program contains naughty bits.”
PBS, by contrast, hated the age labels but loves the content ratings. As for cable, it’s all over the astral map. HBO is using combinations of four different ratings systems, including the Hollywood movie ratings and HBO’s own long-standing content labels. I think this might delay the start of HBO programs by as much as four or five minutes.
ABC introduced yet another wrinkle when it told viewers at the beginning of an “Ellen” installment that “due to adult content, parental discretion is advised.” Other than that, the show carried only a TV-14 rating. So the “adult content” apparently didn’t involve s,l,v or d.
It was immediately apparent that “due to adult content, parental discretion is advised” is a special ABC warning. It really means, “The following program contains lesbians.”
(ABC had already established the precedent that one lesbian isn’t sufficient for a special viewer advisory. Two lesbians, however, could lead to all kinds of havoc, maybe even to fire along with all the smoke, if you know what I mean. Heaven forfend that a third lesbian should slip onto the set. ABC would have to go nuclear with its viewer advisory. Parental discretion might even be mandatory, rather than merely advised.)
So there you have it. Returning improbably to our John Madden “boom” theme, we now have cosmic debris flying in every direction from the Big Bang of ratings creation. Boom indeed.
We also have a populace that must be either totally bewildered, or that couldn’t care less.
The show I’m waiting for is the show with a TV-MA rating, plus an l,s,v and d, plus an NBC viewer advisory, plus five minutes of HBO warnings, plus an ABC lesbian content advisory. That’s when we can get back to talking about real ratings, as in a 40 rating with a 60 share.
The television industry and its Washington watchdogs need a simple, elegant ratings system to replace all this nonsense. I just happen to have it.
Forget the letters and numbers and wink-wink lesbian warnings. Here’s the message that should run before all TV shows: “The following program contains the following program.”
That’s it. Then air the program so people can watch it. Then air it again, so viewers who decided it was OK to watch can, uh, watch it again, only this time purely for enjoyment.
Who’s to complain? Every family can act as its own censor. Maybe even take a vote. All right, family, we’ve seen the program. Now do we want to watch the program?
The only alternative I can imagine is a John Madden universal rating. If Madden appears at the start of a program and says, “Holy moley!,” you might want to lose the kids.
