`The Hunt for Red October” ruined it for anyone thinking about making a good submarine movie.
That 1990 action hit starred Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, and featured lots of chills as a Russian naval commander (Connery) plots to steal his vessel and turn it over to the United States. Baldwin played a government analyst thrust into the conflict.
Maybe Baldwin should have sat his little brother Stephen down and had a chat with him. It’s a good bet the latter might have passed on “Sub Down,” a slow-moving USA Network movie premiering at 8 p.m. Wednesday. Slow? Even TV’s “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” was swifter than this one — at least the atomic sub Seaview had the manta-shaped Flying Sub. Here, we’ve got Marvyn the Mini-Sub.
Baldwin, who appeared in the movie “The Usual Suspects” but cut his loopy grin on ABC’s “The Young Riders,” plays one of three scientists conducting experiments in global warming aboard the U.S. Navy’s nuclear submarine Portland. In a takeoff from “Red October,” a Russian sub and the Portland play a little game of cat and mouse. But instead of the ships being blown to pieces, a deadly collision with the Russian sub incapacitates the Portland, trapping its crew thousands of feet underwater.
The scientists are away from the Portland in the aforementioned Marvyn, and are (naturally) available to save the day. A clue that the movie is in deep water in the opening credits. It was “directed” by Alan Smithee, an assumed moniker that is used by people wanting their names removed from any project they’re not particularly proud of.
It would be refreshing to see the Navy welcome the scientists conducting experiments on their boat. But here we get the typical captain warning his people to expect a “certain level of disruption.” (The commanding officer is played by Chris Mulkey, and Tony Plana is the sub’s first officer — the duo also were partners in the fine Fox comedy “Bakersfield P.D.”)
There is some decent underwater photography and miniaturization effects, but they’re offset by Baldwin’s funny-looking, parted-in-the-middle/sides-hanging-down-his-
cheeks hairstyle, which seems like a device to show how hip and cocky he is.
In addition to Baldwin (who looks buff enough to be able to beat up older brothers Alec and Daniel, though not brother William, who is probably a lot cagier than Stevie), “Sub Down” also features a dull performance from Tom Conti (nominated for an Oscar for “Reuben, Reuben”) as a fellow scientist, and a grown-up Doug McKeon, who played the kid in “On Golden Pond.” McKeon’s only job here is to be an officer specializing in looking pensive.
Gabrielle Anwar, who danced it up with Al “Hoo-Haa!” Pacino in “Scent of a Woman,” plays the third scientist and seems to want to rise above the material in her scenes with Baldwin. Unfortunately, she gets torpedoed along with everybody else on this tub.
– Star turns: Traditionally, a lot of special, special guest stars make appearances throughout the various sweeps periods on television, and “The Nanny” is no exception. Wednesday’s installment of the long-running CBS comedy (7 p.m. on WBBM-Ch. 2) features Ray Charles and Bryant Gumbel.
“The Nanny,” however, seems to have special guests almost every week. So far this season, Elton John, Roseanne, Dr. Joyce Brothers and Chevy Chase have laughed it up with series star Fran Drescher.
“We’ve got to do it when they’re available; they’re always very busy,” Drescher says. “Now that it is sweeps, we do try and give them what compares to some of our biggest shows. But we give them big shows throughout the year.”
Drescher, who is also an executive producer of “The Nanny,” solicits guests to come on whenever possible, and gets solicited as well. She says Harry Hamlin is set to appear, and “Boogie Nights” star Mark Wahlberg “told me that he would do the show.” Shelley Long also expressed interest in playing off the irrepressible Fran Fine, Drescher’s character.
Drescher says both Charles and Gumbel were great to work with. Charles is “really lovable and likable and very fresh for sitcoms,” she notes, while Gumbel, who is on later Wednesday night with his program “Public Eye,” is “really funny and charming. . . . I think that he liked showing (his) other sides.”
– Where’s the remote: “Soul Man’s” Dan Aykroyd makes a special appearance on ABC’s “Home Improvement” at 8 p.m. Tuesday on WLS-Ch. 7. The story line features teen heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas as middle kid Randy Taylor, who has a crisis of faith.
– If you can believe this, Woody Allen makes a voiceover appearance on NBC’s “Just Shoot Me” at 8:30 p.m. Tuesday on WMAQ-Ch. 5.
