Dear Dr. Laura: I am 30 and am getting married next July. My best friend and I got into a fight because her boyfriend and I do not get along. He does drugs and likes to slap my friend around. It makes me angry that she puts up with him.
I’ve decided not to have her in the wedding party. I’m feeling guilty because I did ask her to be a bridesmaid, but we have grown apart in the last few months. Am I being selfish? — Vancouver
A — No, you’re not being selfish. It’s worth one more discussion with your friend, one in which you’re not trying to persuade her to dump the guy.
The discussion worth having is about how sad it is to watch someone you care about put themselves in harm’s way and call it love. Tell her it’s hard to watch someone you value, not value herself enough to aspire to a healthy guy and a healthy relationship.
Suggest that she go to a battered women’s shelter for education and support. Let her know that it hurts your heart to seem rejecting of her relationship, but that your affection for her does not permit you to pretend something is good when it’s not.
End by hugging her and reminding her of your affection, and promise her your support when she has the courage to face the truth of her own weak, dependency needs for this pathetic guy. Wish her well and tell her your door will always be open.
Q — How do we differentiate between gossip and news? Do we not blindly believe the media as easily as we do personal gossip? Are not anonymous sources the same as talking behind someone’s back in order to protect one’s anonymity? — Federal Way, Wash.
A — Your concerns are well founded. I believe that because the news media is highly competitive, public people’s lives are exploited for gossip in order to boost ratings, viewership and readership.
An example is what happened to the Rev. Robert Schuller. The news media went wild for two weeks with the allegations that he manhandled a flight attendant aboard an airplane. Neither the full final story, nor the fact that President Clinton sent him to represent the United States at Mother Teresa’s funeral, got much, if any, coverage.
That’s because we as a people are more excited and attentive to the kind of information which takes an idol down, even if it’s banal, false or irrelevant. The news media couldn’t use gossip to compete if we folks didn’t suck it up.
On the other hand, information about someone in the public trust, where there is a misuse or abuse of power, is important for the public to know.
The answer? Write letters to the editors of newspapers, magazines, even TV programs. Protest styles of journalism that are irresponsible and exploitive.
Q — I am 25 years old and have been in a serious relationship for the past five years — and no, we are not shacking up! I am just starting out my career. My boyfriend won’t finish his training yet for a year and a half, and so wants to wait another two years for us to get married. I am not sure what to do. He is a wonderful guy and I love him, but I don’t know if I can wait that long. — Kansas City, Kansas
A — I think you’re probably not mature enough to get married. One of the many personal characteristics necessary for a quality marriage is forbearance. Imagine being pregnant with overwhelming morning sickness and a husband wanting sex — now — because although you’re a wonderful person and he loves you, he doesn’t know if he can wait that long.
The only thing that seems to be “wrong” with your boyfriend is that he has the temerity to want to wait until he’s finished his training before he establishes a home. Sounds responsible to me. Maybe he needs to find a woman who wants to marry him more than she wants a big party.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
