Dear Dr. Laura: I work in an office as an administrative assistant and occasionally do typing for several of my co-workers. One of them started calling me “her secretary” in front of other co-workers and clients. Then, one day when we were at lunch, she told the waitress, “I’ll let my secretary go first.” She refers to me as her secretary now in front of strangers.
I finally got up the nerve to tell her that I was not her secretary, that we both knew it, and that I did not appreciate her telling people that I was.
Just as I thought everything was going to be fine, it happened again about two weeks later. When I pointed it out to her immediately she started mocking me: “That’s right, you’re my co-person!”
Do I need thicker skin? — Portage, Ind.
A — There are lots of ways to interpret what we hear, and much of our reaction to things is because of our personal sensitivities. One might say that she was only being playful or giving you credit publicly for the favor you do her in typing things for her.
In other words, your perception of an insult may be more based on some diminished respect for secretaries that you harbor.
Q — My husband has two children from a previous marriage, ages 8 and 15. He and his ex-wife try to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of the children. It think that is great.
But he has a parent-teacher conference set up today with his 8-year-old’s teacher. The twist is, the conference is with my husband and his ex-wife. I am very active in the lives of the children and truthfully, I would like to go to this conference as well. — Tucson
A — It is unfair to the teacher to suggest redundant conferences. However, since you are a functioning stepmother, involved in the children’s lives and married to the dad, having the same information that the bio-mom and dad have helps you help the children.
The three of you adults have to get together and talk this out. It is in the best interest of the children that you all respect each other’s input and participation in their upbringing and education. All three of you should be welcome at the conferences whenever possible.
There are times, for example, that only my husband or myself may go to our son’s conference — and then fill the other parent in. Flexibility and cooperation are essential here.
Q — My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage many times. We disagree on the issue of child-rearing. I want to stay home with my children until they are of school age, and then return to work full time. My boyfriend has told me that I am living in a dream world because raising a family on one income today is impossible.
To complicate our disagreement, my boyfriend has told his family and friends that our relationship is at a standstill because of my refusal to work full time when we have children. This has offended many mothers in our circle who work full time, as well as his own mother, who has worked full time all of her life. Am I living in a dream world? — Union, Ky.
A — I think that this issue should be a deal breaker for you. I was home when my child was small, and since he’s in school I basically work part time during his school hours.
Either my husband (who works at home) or I am always with him. That’s not a dream; it’s effort and planning based upon our respect for family and a child’s needs.
Ours is a material world with much of society committed to materiality and self-fulfillment. Commitment to marriage and children is at an all-time low. You are the hope for the future children who will learn more about commitment, love, attention and the precious necessity of spending time with family.
The critical female reaction that you’re getting is from their defensiveness, because they ultimately know they’re wrong. It is time to start dating someone with the same goals and values as yours.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
