Dear Catalog Recipient:
Our sincere apologies for the scent strips that were included in the last edition of TV Village: The Catalog for the Couch Bound. While we still think aroma was a good way to promote our “Grace Under Fire” Seven-Layer Salad recipe-and-fixins kit, the scent mixture was apparently a little “off.” Our supplier blamed the problem on finding a good chemical equivalent for mayonnaise. We hope you won’t hold this incident against us as you consider items in this issue of TV Village for your holiday gift-buying needs.
“Sitcoms of Provence.” The writer of this handsomely illustrated book spent a year living in the south of France, watching lots of TV. He brings his American English major’s perspective to the glorious changes of the region’s seasons, the heady aroma of its marketplace cheeses and, mostly, the uncomplicated laughter of its people as they watched televised comedy. Also available: “Game Shows of Tuscany.” $40 each.
“TV News Health Encyclopedia.” Culled from the voluminous health reporting of America’s local news outlets, this handy reference book will help your family with all of its medical needs, from losing weight to growing hair. Discover what drugs are doing in mice now and may be able to do safely in humans sometime before the end of the next century. Read up on the benefits of liposuction, without any preachy talk about side effects, featuring many before-and-after pictures of female buttocks. Written not by a jargon-minded medical doctor or scientific researcher, but by an attractive blond journalist. $50 hardbound.
PBS Pledge Premium Closeout. Special values on these attractive overstock items we bought up in bulk after the American public opted for other premiums from the nation’s public broadcasting affiliates. Supply includes videos (“Domingo, Pavarotti, Carreras and Tesh: 3 Tenors and 1 Blond”), educational material (Evolutionary Dinosaur Wall Chart, Including Barney) and CDs (“A Boston Pops Easter Celebration featuring Puff Daddy”). Ask our operator for other items and specific prices.
“Oprah: Secrets of My Pedicurist.” The latest in the series of books featuring the people who attend to the queen of daytime talk’s personal grooming. This attractive tome bears such provocative and informative chapter headings as Bunion Troubles and When Is a Corn Not a Corn. Learn how Winfrey’s foot flareups tend to reflect her moods. Dozens of full-color photographs. $35.
TV Movie Time Saver. You won’t need to watch all two hours with this handy, 86-page plot guide, guaranteed to contain 95 percent of TV movie scenarios and 100 percent of resolutions. Just look up the opening situation to discern what will happen next. Mother worries about high-pressure job costing her time with family? Husband will turn from verbal abuse to physical; young daughter will lash out at classmates, pets, carpeting; teen son will explore drugs and/or unprotected sex, often with Tori Spelling character. $12.
The Ultimate VCR. We searched far and wide to find the most advanced in videocassette recorder technology. This precision unit fits the bill. Not only does one button automatically skip commercials and another play back scenes in super-slow motion, but an innovative feature provides the ultimate in viewer defense mechanisms. A proprietary chip in the machine’s innards will automatically recognize self-aggrandizing stepdancing virtuoso Michael Flatley and stop recording whenever he comes on screen. Enjoy an awards program without having to remark on the sweaty tan guy in the Pat Benatar headband. It’s from North Korea’s massive, though little known, Waedon conglomerate, which allows us to offer it at only $459.
High Definition Television Conversion Kit. Not ready yet to pay the high cost of upgrading to the new digital format? This handy kit will appeal to the budget-minded do-it-yourselfer. Simply affix the two black plastic strips over the top and bottom edges of your existing screen and–voila!–you’ve got the most noticeable feature of HDTV: the rectangular, 16:9, movie-like aspect ratio of the screen. Your friends will hardly be able to tell the difference, unless they are the type who are especially interested in characters’ foreheads and chins. $19.95 per kit.
The Sweatshirt Collection. These cotton-like garments are durable, attractive and sure to thrill the TV fan in your life. Choose from such faves as “250 And Gaining!” “Ask ME About Mr. Grant and Rhoda,” and “Don’t Be Dissin’ Star Trek.” Standard sizes. Pastel colors. $45 each.
“Learnin’!: The Story of The Learning Channel.” Some said the Discovery Channel proved it was out of documentary topics when it offered up this five-night, 10-hour history of its 6-year-old sister station. Viewers begged to differ. Thousands tuned in. See what they saw for just $39.
