Dear Dr. Laura: I am a 26-year-old female who was sexually assaulted four years ago. I have been dating a guy now for more than a year, and we are contemplating marriage. I am struggling with whether I would be lying if I said I was a virgin. What do you think? — Chicago
A — If you really can’t talk to your man about important feelings, thoughts and experiences, then marriage ought not be a consideration. Marriage is not simply advanced going steady; it is a profoundly practical and spiritual bonding of two individuals who must never manipulate the other for any sort of personal gain.
Generally, when people talk about virginity, they are interested in having someone in their lives who, while appreciating the joys of sex and sexual sharing, reserves this precious activity for the conventional vows of marriage. Having been sexually assaulted in no way defines your values about sex. If your man can’t distinguish between virginity and a criminal assault, lose him.
Q — I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend for about 10 months. I am going to be moving away to Louisiana in about three months to have my two children very close to their dad. My boyfriend has two boys living here in Texas, and so we have decided not to date long-distance, but to be friends.
Yesterday I found out I have an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I have an appointment to see a specialist in a few days. It is my understanding that this pregnancy cannot result in a baby who will survive.
Two questions: Should I allow any medical intervention with this pregnancy even if doctors recommend it? Do I have a moral obligation to tell my boyfriend? I am afraid that if he finds out later be will be angry. I certainly could use his moral support. — Texas
A — I’m relieved that you have a physician’s appointment; a tubal pregnancy is life-threatening. I know this academically as well as personally.
I do not consider surgical intervention to remove an ectopic “pregnancy” even close to the concept of an abortion. As you recognize, this is not a pregnancy with possibilities of completion. Your foremost responsibilities are to your two children.
And yes, I believe you should turn to your boyfriend for support. Don’t worry about ruining his day with sad information. If the only aspects of life that two people share are the jollies, it’s not a mature relationship.
Q — Two years ago I started a girl’s traveling softball team. The girls were all 12 years old. This is a very competitive sport. Teams practice 10 to 11 months out of the year. I volunteer literally hundreds of hours teaching the girls.
At the end of this past season, my assistant coach decided that I expected too much of the girls, particularly his daughter, whom he’s always pampered. After a parents’ meeting called by him, and to which I was invited but chose not to attend, several other parents withdrew their kids.
Now, several of the parents, including the assistant coach, want back on the team. Should I let them back after what they did to me? I believe that they want back because they found no good alternative. — Gary, Ind.
A — I think that you ought to have some meetings, first with the parents, then with the parents and their daughters, and then the daughters alone. Make your expectations clear and define a probation program, such that if and when a team member’s behavior, attitude, and/or performance is not appropriate, there will be “support” meetings, after which may come suspensions or terminations.
Also, I believe you need to give the parents some avenue to deal with their feelings, thoughts and ideas with you directly — before misconceptions and misunderstandings ever turn into another uprising.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
