During the holidays, it becomes clear there are certain chapters missing from etiquette books–chapters that offer guidance for unseemly little food problems that surface every Christmas.
Where, for instance, is the chapter on fruitcakes, the one suggesting the cake not be flung back in the giver’s face, but accepted graciously before being given to someone else?
Where, too, are directions for entertaining the boss, so that the food served helps one, as they say, kiss up?
Whether a party is being held, a potluck attended, a food gift given or received, certain holiday food situations call for certain rules. But a little wisdom, a little preparation, and an attitude of enjoying oneself can make everything work out for the best.
Keeping your cool
The key to throwing a great party is to stay calm.
“This time of year, we’re all suffering from MSI–Martha Stewart Inadequacy,” says Paula Jhung, author of “Guests Without Grief” (Fireside, $11). “We just feel bad about ourselves because we cannot measure up to those images out there.”
Jhung’s bottom line: Keep everything simple, even if the boss is on the guest list.
“You want to put your best foot forward but not go so far as to put on the dog, because it will probably backfire,” she says. “If you get too exotic, (the food) may be impressive, but does anybody want to eat it?”
Serve dishes that can be prepared ahead of time, Jhung suggests, rather than a steak that needs searing or fish that needs broiling at the last minute. Hosting usually means answering the door, getting drinks, hanging coats–all at the last minute.
Presentation counts for a lot and can overcome many food shortcomings. For a buffet table, use a footed cake plate, not just for cake, but for any serving dish, even a main course. “I call it the stiletto heel of presentations,” Jhung says. “It makes an item look more important.”
Pop a paper doily under certain dishes, from cakes to sandwiches. Use fresh vegetables to enliven dishes and add color, from setting a turkey or roast on a bed of kale to garnishing serving plates with baby vegetables or seasonal bright spots, such as multicolored bell peppers. Tie ribbons around cakes, place in-season greens on the table, decorate with leaves and berries.
“Make the table look pretty. Then the food doesn’t have to be spectacularly beautiful,” says Kathy Murphy, who owns Soiree Catering in Santa Ana, Calif. “Or we’ll suggest to people ways to do it–turn the lights way down and have lots of candles.”
Controlled circulation
Another nifty party trick that makes a definite impression: Forgo the buffet table and pass appetizers and finger munchies on trays.
“People always want to have shrimp,” Murphy says. “They think if they put out shrimp everybody is impressed. But the truth is, one big guy is going to stand there and eat it all, and you’re going to run out.
“Impress people with tray passing. Then you can control (the shrimp).”
Pass glasses of sparkling wine, pass hors d’oeuvre. If supplies start slipping, slow the circling of the trays. And, Murphy suggests, to make an impression, “Put the honkin’ shrimp on the first tray, and serve the more expensive beverages in the beginning.” Another way to draw attention: Serve well-thought-of brand names.
Nancy Mueller, whose Bay area company, Nancy’s Specialty Foods, makes millions of frozen party appetizers every year, recommends hiring teenagers–the babysitter, a son’s or daughter’s friend, someone reliable–to be the tray passers. “They’re inexpensive and so willing,” Mueller says.
Certainly hiring a caterer can relieve much stress and add an air of elegance. But there’s one thing that always makes an impression, Washington socialite Sally Quinn writes in “The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining” (Simon and Schuster, $24): “There is nothing like a home-cooked meal. If I have a party catered, the first thing I always tell the caterers is that I want it to appear homemade.”
At one party where she served mashed potatoes, a guest thanked her profusely as though she had served caviar, she writes.
Dietary considerations
Sometimes what can be most challenging is handling today’s many food preferences.
“I think it’s harder every holiday season because of everybody’s food phobias,” says Barbara Venezia, who co-hosts the cable-access show “At Home on the Range.” “Everybody has a fear of food, depending on the latest trend. One year everyone was staying away from salt, then they said salt was good. Then everybody coming over wants no fat.”
Venezia, who entertains often during the holidays, hit on a new idea this year. “We’re having friends over, and I’m faxing ideas to people for menus,” she says. “I’m letting them tell me what they want. I’m tired of trying to play the food game, who will eat what and who won’t, who’s become a vegetarian.
“So I’ve just decided here are some of my ideas, and it’s kind of fun to get the guests involved in the event. … So everybody is voting.”
When it comes to a party attended by the boss, serve his or her favorite food. That gesture will bring a smile, and who knows, maybe a bonus. Do a little homework to learn of any food likes or dislikes.
At a party attended by children, have a few items that especially appeal to children. Mueller has found children love little quiches. Finger foods are a natural: pretzels, baby carrots, even peanut-butter-and-jelly finger sandwiches cut into holiday shapes using cookie-cutters. Rather than doing a fancy dessert, serve holiday cookies (easier on the host as well).
A table of food just for children often fails, not because of the children, however. “Adults go over there and scarf,” Murphy says. “Men will say, `Pizza? Get out of my way.’ “
Potluck prep
Whether it’s a pile of chips and a jar of salsa set in the company break room or a hot dish borne by stained potholders to someone’s door, one’s potluck offering speaks volumes.
“Bringing a dish shows how generous you are, how creative you are, or how cheap you are,” Jhung says. “You always want to bring your best.”
With potluck, the key doesn’t seem to be whether the food is homemade or store bought, but how it looks and tastes.
Even chips and salsa can be enlivened; mound the chips in the center of a platter surrounded by decorative kale or radishes and mushrooms and find a colorful melon that can be sliced in half to hold the salsa.
“It really doesn’t take a lot,” Mueller says.
Main dishes offer the biggest challenge; desserts are easiest. And nothing impresses as much, perhaps, as a homemade dessert.
Cookbook author Linda West Eckhardt lives in southern Oregon, where even weddings can be potluck, she says. She never tells people what to bring, but rather invites mostly good cooks to her party, knowing she’ll naturally get a variety of good dishes.
“For the people who can’t cook, I do suggest they bring wine or bread. … They’re usually upfront about not cooking, so they’re fine with it,” says Eckhardt, co-author of “Entertaining 101: Everything You Need to Know to Entertain With Style and Grace” (Doubleday, $27.50) with her daughter Katherine West DeFoyd.
Hosts can also graciously plant potluck ideas in their guests’ minds, Jhung says. “Flatter them or ask them what they like to make,” she says. Then they’ll be more than happy to bring the dish.
The gift
Often a guest will arrive with a food gift to be eaten immediately. If the party table is perfectly planned, there may not always be a stray corner in which to tuck a dish that doesn’t seem to go.
Make room.
“Almost anything can be made beautiful on the right plate or by adding a doily,” Jhung says. “And it makes that person feel good when they bring something to the meal. … And that’s what this time of year is all about.”
If the dreaded fruitcake is handed over, smile graciously.
Emily Post’s 75th anniversary book of etiquette, now written by Peggy Post (HarperCollins, $35), does indeed offer wisdom on dealing with the unwanted holiday gift: “When someone arrives at your door with an unexpected Christmas present, you are `on the spot.’ Unless you have a supply of small gifts ready for such an emergency, you can only say, `Thank you so much!’ “
But certainly in times of great holiday stress, little things happen that are unavoidably socially incorrect. It’s the time of year. In other words, sometimes fruitcake must be passed on.
“Don’t unwrap it,” Venezia says with a laugh. “Give it to somebody else.”
