As a small group of people known as humanity prepares to celebrate another year of life on the blue planet, an obligatory, pain-in-the-neck question continues to circulate like a soiled dollar bill: “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?”
Usually, the person popping this seemingly innocuous query is either completely clueless and fishing for some creative prompts on how to spend the most anti-climatic holiday on the calendar; or, they’re feeling like a complete cement-head for getting shanghaied into some $225-per-couple dinner and dancing package (including a champagne toast at midnight!) at an Alpine-themed banquet hall in Romeoville, and simply want to make sure your plans aren’t any better.
There are, as far as I’m concerned, only two ways to deal with the New Year’s Eve situation, if you’re not interested in standing elbow-to-elbow with 175 of your closest acquaintances at the club du soir, waiting for some hammered schmuck with a tie wrapped around his head to scream for the official countdown to midnight — at quarter after 10:
– Dismiss the celebratory evening as just another example of cliched consumerism, have a light microwave dinner and call it an early night. Or . . .
– Dismiss the celebratory evening as “amateur night,” get a couple of cold quarts of malt liquor and sit at home and watch all those Bulls games you videotaped during their incredible “Drive for Five” season.
If you can’t withstand the pressure and are compelled to do something special, you might as well go completely off the board and have a yourself a different kind of New Year’s Eve. And you won’t even have to drink. Consider these helpful suggestions:
– Drive a cab. Here’s your chance to enjoy New Year’s Eve — in the front seat of a taxi. Most “non-association” cab companies take two to three days to process your application. So you’d better move fast. All you need is a drivers license, a Social Security number and a love of the open road. Driving skills optional. Knowledge of major streets and highways is helpful but not required. And remember: Driving south of the Art Institute is not just a good idea. It’s the law.
– Clean your storage locker. Most storage locker establishments have 24-hour access. And, while your pals are getting twisted at the corner pub, you’ll be getting a jump on spring and organizing all that lawn furniture. Of course, you’ll need a storage locker in order to have one to clean. If you’re in the market, check out Storage USA in Brickyard at 773-745-5757.
– Have your dishwasher serviced. Is that Whirlpool clacking every time it hits the rinse cycle? Well, why not ring in the New Year with a newly repaired major appliance? Check the Yellow Pages for the nearest dishwasher repair with 24-hour service. Most establishments boast prompt, friendly service. What a great night to put those mottoes to the test.
– Synchronize flamboyant, concept rock albums with pretentious, Hollywood blockbusters. Those baked, de rigueur folks in L.A. who think that listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” while tripping on, er, watching “Wizard of Oz” with the volume turned off is about as coolio as it comes haven’t underscored “The English Patient” with REO Speedwagon’s “High Infidelity”; “Remains of the Day” with Journey’s “Escape”; and anything starring Meryl Streep or William Hurt with Rush’s “2112.” Creating your own reality has never been this much fun.
– Get your pet to a vet. Picture this: You’re enjoying a nice, quiet New Year’s Eve at home, looking up friendly, 24-hour dishwasher repair services in the Yellow Pages and suddenly your cat has a sneezing fit. Whom do you call? Where do you go? Try Chicago’s Emergency Veterinarian Services, 773-281-7110.
– Schedule a free consultation with a personal-injury lawyer. Just because it’s New Year’s Eve doesn’t mean your mild case of whiplash has subsided. Most publicly advertised p.i.’s have operators on 24-hour standby, eagerly waiting to schedule a free phone consultation session and first visit.
– Pay your utility bills. It’s not only a new year, it’s a new month, which means it’s time to get last month’s gas bill paid in full. For a 24-hour currency exchange near you, call 1-800-834-5188.
– Go bowling. Even the most obstinate homebody can get a little restless as the midnight hour closes in on our city. If that’s the case, why not get a little exercise and bowl by candlelight at Mont Clare Lanes, 2957 N. Harlem Ave. Actually, while you’re there, you might get in the New Year’s spirit. For $75 a couple, you’ll get a fully served dinner and three games of bowling. Plus, they’ll even let you dance in your bowling shoes. And why not celebrate that new New Year’s diet plan by enjoying the one sport where players can actually be more out-of-shape than the spectators? Call 773-237-5500.
– Work night shift at a fast-food joint downtown. If serving overserved and belligerent tourists and suburbanites who order laminated burgers by pointing to laminated pictures on a color-form menu (they don’t even have to read, and neither do you!) sounds like fun, then march right up to the counter and request an application, strawberry shake and fries. Maybe you can join the few and the proud on one of the busiest nights of the year!
– Do your laundry. Don’t let the fact that you don’t have your own washer and dryer unit preempt your plans to tackle that leaning tower of laundry on the most overrated party night of the year. Call the facilities in your neighborhood. Or mosey on over to Village Laundrette, 3100 S. Pulaski Ave., and do a load or two, and maybe make a friend. There’s an attendant always on duty and more than 100 machines in this cozy, clean facility. Chances are, you’ll have every single one of those units to yourself on Dec. 31. Call 773-247-5255.
– Get cremated. The lady at the cremation business was incredulous. “Is this a joke?” she asked, in answer to my rather simple query: Could I, or someone I love, make arrangements in advance to be cremated on New Year’s Eve? She wasn’t convinced. “Is this Herb?” she demanded. When I assured her that I was merely on a fact-finding mission, she said, “Uh, yeah, we’d have to page one of our morticians, ’cause they’d probably be out.” Celebrating, not cremating. And why not? After all, it’s New Year’s Eve.
– Other non-imbibing ideas with 24-hour access: Get your chimney swept; get your navel pierced; get your carpets cleaned; purchase a propane gas tank; rent a forklift. Get busy, folks. There’s lots to do. Oh, and Happy New Year.
