I felt a special relationship to Elvis Presley because he was from Mississippi, he was a poor white kid, he sang with a lot of soul. He was sort of my roots.”
President Bill Clinton of Arkansas, who attended Georgetown University and Yale University Law School, on his feeling of kinship with the King.
“I, Robert J. Dole, do solemnly swear . . . Uh, sorry. Wrong speech.”
Bob Dole, after being presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bill Clinton.
“I would clone Marilyn Monroe. Why waste time with baseball players? Why waste time cloning a guy?”
Jose Canseco, baseball player, on cloning.
“I always liked to chase the girls. Parkinson’s stops all that. Now I might have a chance to go to heaven.”
Muhammad Ali, calling his Parkinson’s disease “a blessing.”
“I don’t think there’ll be any banjos.”
Johnny Cash on what kind of music he expects to hear in heaven.
“It’s a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.”
Humorist Argus Hamilton commenting on the decision made by the Disney Company to change the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Scenes of pirates chasing young women were removed.
“How many members of Pearl Jam does it take to change a light bulb? Change? We’re not going to change for anyone! Do you hear me?”
Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, quoting his favorite Pearl Jam joke.
“The problem is that Mom and Dad had a real hippie relationship, and you cannot explain a ’60s relationship in legal terms.”
Annabelle Walker Garcia, 26, on the wrangling between her father Jerry Garcia’s second and third wives in court over the late musician’s estate.
“David Stern and I talked about it. We’re not letting Dennis play in both leagues.”
Val Ackerman, president of the WNBA, the new NBA-backed women’s league, on cross-dressing Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman.
“Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.”
Bill Gates, whose wife, Melinda, is a Catholic, on his avoidance of religion.
“I have always listened to my mother, and I’m not going to stop doing that now.”
Former Illinois Rep. Mel Reynolds, who is serving a five-year sentence for charges including sex with an underage campaign worker, after agreeing to his mother’s request that he give up a hunger strike he had begun to protest conditions at the Metropolitan Correctional Center.
“Hair to me has always been the one part of my body that I had control over. I could not grow any taller. I could not lengthen my legs. I could not make my eyes have perfect vision–there was nothing else I could really do. But my hair has always been a source of great amusement for me.”
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton.
“I’ve heard of few self-defense cases where someone was shot in the back.”
Chicago Police Lt. Joseph Murphy, on the defense offered by the lawyer for a man charged with murdering the son of Ald. Robert Shaw.
“Those who cannot face ideas resort to bombs.”
Ghazi Algosaibi, Saudi ambassador to Britain, following a letter-bomb attack in London.
“Vertical transportation units.”
Official terminology in the U.S. State Department describing elevators.
“He has one major problem . . . and that is the president of the United States.”
Caspar Weinberger, former defense secretary, on new Pentagon boss William Cohen.
“Apparently, they are concerned that Tampa Bay might be mistaken for a small liberal arts college.”
Beloit College spokesman Ron Nief, after the Tampa Bay Buccaneers demanded that the college change its team logo of a knife-chomping pirate because it resembled the NFL team’s, only to change their own when the school refused.
“The females don’t want to mate, the males are extremely frustrated and nobody’s very happy.”
Michael McKeown, a scientist at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, describing how a newly discovered “dissatisfaction” gene can impede the sexual behavior of fruit flies.
“I don’t understand why it was my neck he had to jump on.”
Max Dadashvili, 26, who was sitting at a Tel Aviv cafe when a suicidal 72-year-old man jumped off a building and landed on him, breaking his back.
“The fact that she is in prison does not automatically make her someone who is not worthy of being admired.”
Migdalia Rivera, executive director of the Chicago Latino Institute, on criticism of Roberto Clemente High School administrators for displaying a mural dedicated to Carmen Valentin, a Puerto Rican nationalist in prison for conspiring to overthrow the U.S. government.
“It beats the heck out of the Holiday Inn.”
Victor Fleming, a Little Rock municipal judge, who was among the more than 900 people who spent a night at the White House courtesy of President Clinton.
“I remember sitting in my chair and telling myself, `Just keep breathing.’ “
Oprah Winfrey on interviewing John Kennedy Jr.
“There is no child left within me, none whatsoever.”
Actor Harrison Ford on why he was not eager to watch his own performance from 20 years earlier in `Star Wars.’
“It was a curve ball that broke too soon.”
An aide to Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, on her opening-day pitch, which bounced once before reaching the Baltimore Orioles catcher.
“These kids are telling you what’s wrong in our society. You might not like the message . . . but it is saying something America needs to know.”
Sgt. Ron Stallworth, of the Utah Department of Public Safety, telling delegates at a policing convention that they should take `gangsta rap’ seriously.
“He’s done more than that!”
Yogi Berra, when asked if Tiger Woods had exceeded his expectations in winning the Masters Tournament.
“People are telling me that we’re e-mail buddies, but the last time I talked to him was June 29 when he gave me the (archbishop’s) pallium and asked me where I was from.”
Archbishop Francis George of Chicago, on his relationship with the Pope.
“He outlived the battery.”
Ronald Berger, a Baltimore surgeon, on why he replaced an 11-year-old pacemaker in the heart of John E. Bell, 115.
“Maybe things got to get as bad as they can get before they can get better. But today they got as bad as they can get.”
Chicago Cubs manager Jim Riggleman, after his team lost its 12th straight game, setting a National League record for the worst start in a season. (The team lost 14 before its first win.)
“What the hell? It’s only reading a prompter. I mean, they make it seem like it’s journalism.”
Tabloid television talk show host Jerry Springer, reacting to a threatened revolt by Chicago news anchors over their station’s plans to air Springer’s commentaries.
“Bathroom gun safety and gun safety in general pretty much dovetail.”
Matt Christensen, a Chandler, Ariz., police sergeant, on an 18-year-old man who accidentally shot his hand and knee while sitting on the toilet.
“California is like an artificial limb the rest of the country doesn’t really need. You can quote me on that.”
Saul Bellow.
“You know, for a man like Tim McVeigh, who doesn’t believe in the government, what a terrible way to be punished, to go through the justice system and see it really works.”
Oklahoma City resident Lisa McConnell, on the guilty verdicts against the convicted bomber.
“(In the old days) everybody dressed up. Some women spent all day in fitting rooms; you put on clothes for lunch, clothes for cocktails, clothes for dinner, whereas today you go to work, lunch and dinner in the same damn black pants suit.”
Bill Blass, remembering the past.
“The closest thing you have to think about is the way you finish the last game. And right now, that didn’t look like a 5-7 team. But I can read. It says 5-7, so that’s what you are.”
Northwestern football coach Gary Barnett, after the Wildcats ended a largely disappointing season with a 15-14 upset of No. 22 Iowa.
“You’re not from around here, are you?”
Cleova Sorenson, responding to a reporter’s question of why she opened her Hatton, N.D., home to two strangers who were victims of Red River flooding.
“Not to be big-headed, but you can put me up there with Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. They say Elvis is dead. I say, no, you’re looking at him. Elvis isn’t dead; he just changed color.”
Dennis Rodman.
“There was a lot of creative tension. Well, I don’t know how creative it was.”
Katie Couric, on Bryant Gumble.
“When your feet are unhappy, you’re a really unhappy person.”
Dr. Arthur Ward, on the Navy’s new, comfortable boots.
“He taught applied economics, which I suppose is appropriate.”
George Strickland, a Lake County, Ill., prosecutor, on a high school teacher charged with agreeing to give a high grade to a student in exchange for deep discounts on merchandise from the store where she worked.
“The nice thing is it’s missing the slime component and people aren’t wasted.”
Maura, a 22-year-old health care consultant, on why she goes to singles nights at the Art Institute of Chicago rather than bars.
“It’s not that I keep him sheltered, but my wife and I pay close attention to what he reads, what he watches on TV and what he does on the computer because we have a responsibility to him to be the best parents we can.”
Joe Warshowsky of Rockford, Ill., who runs a live Internet sex site called Video Fantasy, on why he has filtering software on his home computer to limit the explorations of his 10-year-old son.
“Why do we all have to be naked to get along?”
Julia Roberts, insisting that it’s possible for men and women to be just good friends.
“I’m not rich at all. I’m a lot more famous than I am rich–which is kind of a bummer, because it’s hard to be famous and not rich.”
Singer k.d. lang.
“Sometimes I look down into the vegetable compost and it looks like the most incredible meal. It’s beautiful. I’m serious.”
Vego-phile Alice Waters of the Chez Panisse restaurant in Berkeley, Calif.
“Apparently he’s broke now. That’s why he’s searching for money in strange places.”
FBI spokesman Bob Long, after the arrest of Winnetka commodities trader William Hertzog Thompson, who admitted robbing a bank.
“Matures buy something because they think they’ve earned it, boomers because they think they deserve it and X-ers because they’re afraid it might not be around if they wait until they can afford it.”
Consumer research analyst Ann Clurman, on the attitudes of different generations about spending money.
“I hesitate to compare myself with Abraham Lincoln, but there is a precedent for having lost and then won again.”
Former Rep. Michael Patrick Flanagan (R-Ill.), who lost his re-election bid after upsetting Dan Rostenkowski in 1994 and three years later was considering a race for lieutenant governor or the U.S. Senate.
“He kills people.”
Paul Philip, of the FBI team investigating Gianni Versace’s murder, when asked about Andrew Cunanan’s modus operandi.
“Bill, I don’t do Windows.”
Science fiction grand master Ray Bradbury to Bill Gates when Gates asked Bradbury about his computer needs.
“They go down to the lake, they drink, get stupid and get killed.”
Chicago police traffic specialist John Delanty, on the annual summer increase in pedestrians hit by cars while trying to cross Lake Shore Drive.
“This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I’m not about to screw with it now.”
Comedian Bob Newhart.
“Read my lips. No new tuxes!”
Gov. George W. Bush of Texas, telling his wife that he would not buy new formalwear for a fancy press dinner.
“I always thought the real violence in Hollywood isn’t what’s on the screen. It’s what you have to do to raise the money.”
David Mamet, playwright, screenwriter and movie director.
“I’ve already taught Michael how to smoke cigars, so that’s a step in the right direction. Michael also told me that his ambition after retirement is to grow a pot belly, and I can teach him that, too. He’ll definitely be ready to be a CEO.”
Chicago Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, joking about Michael Jordan’s plan to take an active role managing his new sportswear company, a division of Nike.
“If there’s a lesson to be learned from this, it’s that if you mess with your kids enough, they’re going to beat your brains in.”
Cook County Juvenile Court Judge Richard Walsh, giving probation to a girl who clubbed her father to death with a baseball bat after years of alleged physical abuse.
“I would not say that that has not been a factor in some cases over the years.”
Gov. Jim Edgar, testifying in the federal bribery trial of officials of Management Services of Illinois Inc., when asked if political contributions are considered in awarding state contracts.
“Thirty years ago, when people first saw the sculpture, they said, `What is it?’ I think they’re saying the same thing today.”
Mayor Richard M. Daley during the 30th birthday celebration of Chicago’s Picasso sculpture.
“It was a sport, a cherished local pastime around here. A lot of people still think the only good snake is a dead snake.”
Herpetologist Scott Ballard of the Illinois Department of Natural Resources, on the semi-annual closure of a road in the Shawnee National Forest to let snakes migrate, annoying locals who used to compete to run them over.
“I used to say that every year, but I never really meant it until the last few years.”
University of Chicago English and linguistics professor Joseph Williams, who says students’ grammar and language skills are getting worse.
“I don’t look at it as male or female. A striped shirt is a striped shirt. . . . They are all the enemy.”
Detroit Pistons star Grant Hill, after the NBA hired its first two women referees.
“I say `girl’ because I love to annoy people. I love the word `girl.’ `Gal’ is pretty great, too. I don’t just want to be called a woman. It sounds like someone with a mustache.”
Bette Midler.
“I categorize the opposition in a couple different ways. Some people could be called members of CAVE, which stands for Citizens Against Virtually Everything.”
Grayslake Mayor Pat Carey, on opponents of a bond issue for an outdoor pool and community center.
“We don’t do that here.”
An Illinois Tri-State Tollway attendant, after being asked if `anyone with experience’ was on hand to help a man whose wife was in labor, and actually gave birth to the child at the toll plaza.
“In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.”
Writer Fran Lebowitz.
” `You’ve been gone my whole life.’ “
Rep. Paul McHale (D-Pa.), quoting his 7-year-old son, to explain why he’s retiring from Congress.
“I’m not crazy about running. I just do it to keep in shape for fishing.”
Sixty-six-year-old Donald Gowdy, who won a 5K run in the North Carolina Senior State Games.
“It’s too late to lie.”
Cybill Shepherd, 47, on why she tells the truth about her age.
“It’s kind of embarrassing to have a pig save your life.”
Collin Stolpe of Aurora, Colo., whose Vietnamese potbellied pig woke him and thus saved him from being fatally poisoned by carbon monoxide from a faulty propane heater.
“If people work hard and buy a Cadillac, nobody asks why. But if they give it to philanthropy, nobody understands.
Thomas Cannon, a Norfolk, Va., postal worker whose annual income never rose much above $30,000, but who nonetheless managed to give away more than $96,000 to charitable causes.
“Can’t we hear just one more story? Just one more gentle reminder of who we are?”
Public television broadcaster Charlie Rose, at a memorial service for veteran CBS journalist Charles Kuralt.
