Let’s get real. Wedding plans begin to trip up over nitty-gritty stuff, such as whose family pays for what; which children are excluded; and why the bride’s stuck writing all the thank-you notes while the groom, who also enjoys the gifts, heads off to play golf.
At one time, rigid rules of etiquette dictated wedding duties. But customs change and as we approach the millennium, some updating of wedding advice is in order. We went to several experts to garner their ideas on current protocol. Here’s what they suggest:
Enjoy the reception. Everyone else is having a great time eating and drinking at the reception, so the bridal couple should partake, too, from a menu of foods they like, rather than just favorites of their parents or the bridal consultant.
Having the bride and the groom greet guests in a formal receiving line will assure them of sufficient time to enjoy the wedding meal, says Marlene Gaffke, director of catering at the Ritz-Carlton, Chicago; they won’t have to spend time table-hopping. Another timesaver: Photos of the bride’s and groom’s families can be taken prior to the ceremony, except for those in which the bride and groom appear together.
Gaffke suggests serving a range of novel hors d’oeuvres that appeal to a wide variety of taste buds. She recommends having wait staff pass some, such as Thai spring rolls and a mushroom or asparagus strudel–and having others, such as smoked salmon and seared tuna fillet with a caviar relish, prepared and served from a station. She also recommends offering guests a choice of entrees, perhaps a tenderloin of beef and a Chilean sea bass, and for dessert, bite-size sweets, such as miniature French pastries, demitasse cups filled with creme brulee and chocolate-dipped strawberries. For the finale: a great-tasting wedding cake.
If costs must be minimized, yet you want an old-fashioned, romantic ambience, Gaffke recommends an afternoon tea wedding between 2:30 and 5 p.m.
“You can serve a lovely assortment of teas, sherry or champagne, tea sandwiches, scones with lemon curd or Devonshire cream and the wedding cake.” Such weddings work best with a guest list of 50 to 75.
Share some of the expenses. Forget the old rule of thumb that the bride’s family pays for almost everything except the rehearsal dinner, engagement and wedding rings, marriage license and honeymoon. Nancy Tuckerman, co-author with Nancy Dunnan of “The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette” (Doubleday) and once social secretary to the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, says the rules have changed.
“The average age of a bride is 28 and groom, 32, so they can contribute to the costs, if they have to or want to,” she says. “Many do. The groom’s family also pays for more these days, but if that is desired, it should be discussed early on. Sometimes, the groom’s parents’ names go on the invitation, which is nice. And sometimes, you have a lot of people paying, including stepfathers. There’s no set rule anymore.”
When it comes to another money matter, prenuptial agreements, Tuckerman says they’re not just for the wealthy or those getting married for a second time and concerned about children from a prior union.
“If one side feels strongly about it, be sure to discuss it before the engagement,” she says, “just as the bride might want to talk about whether she’ll continue to use her maiden name.”
Other changes Tuckerman cites include both parents escorting their daughter down the aisle, no need to have an even number of attendants for the bride and groom, no need to wait for the bride and groom to leave the reception before guests do, and no need to have the bride’s mother stand on ceremony waiting for the groom’s mother to call before they meet: “I tell brides’ mothers if they haven’t heard from the groom’s mother, to pick up the phone and call. Logic and diplomacy are the key to wedding arrangements. The rules of etiquette are guided by practicality and consideration.”
Dress up the groom. There’s no reason the groom has to wear an ill-fitting, rented blue tuxedo with a frilly shirt and clip-on bow tie. Let him wear his own single- or double-breasted tuxedo, tails or a sophisticated dark blue or gray suit with a handsome shirt and tie. Tom Jackson, general manager of the Chicago Paul Stuart store, said he’s seeing a shift back toward formalwear for weddings instead of the loose, drapey approach of recent years and splashy bow ties and cummerbunds.
“Men are choosing traditional black-and-white combinations with white shirts with turn-down or wing collars, black cummerbunds and black, to-be-tied bow ties,” he says. Whether a groom favors a single- or double-breasted suit should depend on his build rather than his height, Jackson said. If his waist size is larger than his chest, choose the single-breasted style. For shoes, patent leather, a slip-on calfskin with a grosgrain bow or sedate lace-ups are all fine. If the groom wants to wear tails, which are often suggested for an after-6 p.m. wedding, that’s fine, though many retailers, Paul Stuart included, do not stock them.
“We think a tuxedo with peaked lapels achieves the same formality and is always proper,” Jackson says.
Share some of the thank-you note writing. Yes, gifts still may be sent to a bride, so she’s the one who is technically responsible for writing all those flowery thank-you’s, even when she has received five of the same salad bowl. But there’s no reason the groom can’t help, says Barbara Ruben, owner of the stationery store Write Impression.
“The note cards don’t have to have `Mr. and Mrs.,’ but can have `Janet and Mike’ in a traditional script,” she says.
An alternative to the side-folded, engraved wedding invitation is a square of handcrafted paper, Ruben says. For the reply card, consider a blank card with the wording “the favor of a reply is requested.” Or, if you’re concerned about people responding, choose a style that requires a checkmark.
“It serves a function and gets people to respond,” said Ruben.
Avoid thorny issues. Peggy Post offers solutions to contemporary versions of traditional problems in the updated version of “Emily Post’s Etiquette” (HarperCollins). For example, a bride may be reluctant to invite young children to her wedding for fear of disrupting the ceremony or reception. It isn’t proper to write “no children” on the invitation, however. Instead, the bride-to-be should enclose a note explaining her reasons, or spread the word discreetly through close friends or relatives. Then, to avoid hurt feelings, no exceptions should be made once the age limit is set.
If you don’t attend a bridal shower or wedding, Post says, you need not send a gift. But if you’re likely to see the couple or their parents occasionally, you might wish to send a small gift. The price of a shower or wedding gift should be determined not by the elaborateness of the wedding, but by your financial situation and your affection for the couple.
Heading off into the sunset. There are all sorts of new options to consider. Rosalie Maniscalco, marketing manager for travel at American Express, cites a few currently popular ideas. Shorter, luxurious four-night trips are in. Luxury means an ocean-view room at a deluxe hotel in a destination such as Bermuda or the Caribbean. Or, go away for a longer “soft adventure” to an exotic locale such as the Greek Islands, Tahiti or Costa Rica.
“Go biking, ballooning, scuba diving, hiking,” Maniscalco suggests. Try a couples-only resort. And leave midweek if you wish to spend more time with out-of-town family and friends who attended the wedding.
Live as though the honeymoon will never end. Sociologist Pepper Schwartz, co-author with Janet Lever of “The Great Sex Weekend” (Putnam), advises continuing to lavish attention on your spouse. One good tactic, she says, is to take periodic refresher courses in romance–short getaways–one night, perhaps, or a weekend.
“Spend a night in a downtown hotel and order room service; or borrow a friend’s apartment,” she says of the advantage of occasionally changing surroundings. Schwartz also says it’s critical as time goes on not to treat sex as a residual priority that you have time for only after you’ve completed everything else on your busy schedule.
“You need to nurture a relationship,” she says. “You have to stop everyday life occasionally and pay attention to each other.”
