Ever since Harry met Sally we’ve been wondering if men and women can be friends or if there’s always that sex thing going on. And if that sex thing is going on, can you carry on as just friends? And would you want to?
When Kevin met Sandy, he was 35, married, with two children. He’d been married for 10 years. That means he was three years past the seven-year itch and seven years away from the dangerous 17-year buyout.
It was a tough time in Kevin’s life. His wife’s father had been suffering for a long time from a debilitating illness and he was being cared for by Kevin’s wife and his mother-in-law. Home just wasn’t a happy, care-free place where he wanted to be.
The office looked like a haven. A place to hang out without the trauma of constantly feeling you were going to lose someone close to you. He needed someone to talk to, to lean on, a friendly face. A man wouldn’t do. He didn’t want to talk about sports and chicks. He wanted to talk about feelings.
“I was feeling bad and a little depressed,” says Kevin. “I think I just wanted a female co-worker to talk with, but I wasn’t seeking romance.”
If there’s anything fate loves, it’s a void. Just give it a big empty space to roam around in and something’s going to happen. And it did. One day a young lady came to work in Kevin’s office. Sandy was quite a bit younger than Kevin. They were also very different in many ways. She wasn’t his soul mate. They weren’t twins separated at birth. She came from a very different background and culture. They could just talk. And, let’s face it, there were some sparks. Or as Kevin says, “There were some feelings of mutual attraction. She was single and she knew I was married. We talked a lot, went to lunch on occasion and had coffee breaks together once a week. I told my wife that I was friends with a female co-worker and that we’d have lunch sometimes but that it was not a regular event. There were some whisperings in the office and a few comments were made to each of us. It would have been easy to throw caution to the wind but there were no episodes of intimacy.”
Kevin changed jobs, but he and Sandy kept in touch. Occasionally he dropped by to see her at work. A year later, she got married and Kevin and his wife were invited to the wedding.
“I was happy for her, but a little sad. We would still speak on the phone, but not see each other as much.”
Well, it’s now 20 years later. Kevin and Sandy are still good friends and they see each other several times a year. His children are grown and on their own, hers aren’t quite teenagers yet. Sometimes Kevin takes Sandy’s son on an outing.
“I still care for her and the well-being of her family. I feel she has similar feelings. I still get a little jealous when I talk to her. But I enjoy having a female friend and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize this relationship. I feel we’re as close as ever.”
How do the spouses feel about this? Kevin doesn’t know about Sandy’s husband, but his wife doesn’t have a problem with it. In fact, she calls Sandy his “girlfriend”–as a joke–but she says she trusts him.
Kevin doesn’t tell people about his relationship with Sandy. He says people think a male-female relationship that doesn’t involve sex is a little weird. He thinks maybe the two of them get along so well because he doesn’t have a sister and Sandy doesn’t have a brother. But, to be perfectly honest, they’ve never really thought of each other in quite that way.
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Send your relationship questions and tales to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611, or e-mail to clavin@tribune.com. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.
