Dear Dr. Laura: My stepdaughter is a very poor student. She is in 5th grade and reads at a 2nd-grade level. She is in a special program at school, which seems to be helping a bit. My concern is how much time to allow her to watch TV when she is in our home. We have her approximately 12 days per month.
We have a computer, lots of books, educational games, etc. As soon as she walks in the door, she grabs the remote and clicks on to Nickelodeon.
I was a straight-A student and was never allowed to watch this much TV. Huntington Beach, Calif.
A — I’m not sure that direct comparisons between yourself and this child are very useful because it keeps you from looking at her as unique. Perhaps she wasn’t blessed with your intelligence, an intact family, family values about education and so on.
I suggest you plan some togetherness and activities when she comes over–reading, computer games, taking walks, going to a museum–things that will not only stimulate her but also help her feel more comfortable with you and your home.
To this child, your home is a place she has to go to see her father when he returns to a woman who is not her mommy. Perhaps the television is her way of avoiding that. Change her channel.
Q — I am a 29-year-old divorced man who is “shacking up” (I know, a no-no) with a 28-year-old single mother of a 3-year-old daughter. They have lived with me for four months. I dated her for four months before they moved in.
The problem is that the daughter hasn’t accepted me. The mom and I get along great, but the daughter doesn’t respond to my attempts to play or joke. She always wants to go back to her mommy or her grandparents, where they used to live.
I have spoken with my girlfriend about this and suggested that maybe she move out and we continue to date but in separate households (that is, until things get better and possibly we get married). She doesn’t agree and says that if she moves out, that’s the end of it. Please help. Chicago
A — Looks like the little girl is the only one who recognizes that instant relationships and instant families are a fantasy.
Your girlfriend sounds desperate to be out of her parents’ home–provided some guy will take care of her.
It’s bad enough that this girlfriend didn’t make a nest before she made a baby, but it’s worse that Mom is playing emotional games with her daughter by moving in with you for expediency.
Please don’t contribute to the chaos and loss in this little child’s life. Drive and her mom back to Grandma’s.
Q — We have struggled with our daughter, 18, for five years now. She has dabbled in alcohol and drugs. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to stop.
She is now away at college, in her freshman year. At Christmas she admitted she drank all through the semester.
We are at odds about whether we should let her crash and burn at the expense of our tuition money or bring her home at the expense of our now peaceful home life. San Antonio
A — I think it may be time to demand something of her, rather than just being grateful she isn’t drunk. Perhaps you’d be willing to tell her that “help” (tuition, etc.) continues only if she does the following:
1. Attends Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar program at least two to three times a week.
2. Goes for weekly blood/urine testing.
3. Keeps all her grades above a C+.
4. Does anything else you want to add.
Seriously, have her sign this as a written contract, clarifying your love but not your unmatched loyalty. Take yourselves to Tough Love meetings so that you can get the support you need to follow through.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
