Dear Dr. Laura: Over the past few years I have given many toys and clothes that my kids have outgrown to family and friends. When my youngest child was 3, I gave many toys to my sister-in-law, who at the time had her first child. Subsequently, we had a baby, who is 8 months old. We recently asked my sister-in-law if we could have the infant toys back.
She said her children were using the toys, but still returned most of them, though making us feel very guilty. Was it right for us to be asking for these toys back? Philadelphia
A — Unless you said that these gifts were temporary, that is, to be shared in the future by all new babies coming into the family, the recipients all probably felt that the items were theirs to keep.
Maybe your sister-in-law was planning to use them for her next baby. Maybe she is just not the sharing, reciprocating type. Maybe you are being overly sensitive.
Maybe you should talk this out more: Assumptions (usually negative) often fill the space where information ought to go.
Q — After quadruple-bypass surgery, my dad died at 81. For five years I had prepared for the event by spending quality time with my parents–resolving all issues real or perceived.
I told my parents of my dislike of funerals and desire to spend time with them instead of waiting until they died to fret over what I wish I had said or done.
My wife has had trouble dealing with my desire not to attend Dad’s funeral. I felt guilty when siblings asked me to come for my mother’s sake. My mother wants me to come. Am I off base? Tampa
A — Yes. One of the ways you honor your father is to show respect at his funeral and to share with all those connected to him in life through blood, marriage and friendship.
Q — My wife’s sister and mother own a day-care center. I told my mother-in-law that I don’t believe in the institution because I think a parent should be home with the child. I found out later that her mom was upset over my remarks.
I am not worried about hurting her feelings because I spoke my mind and believe I am right. The problem I have is that the day-care facility was started in the first place because my wife’s sister was going to be having children and her mom decided that it would be a good business. I just don’t know how to explain it so her mom will understand the irony that they started a day-care center so they could be around their own children and not drop them off at day care! Denver
A — To keep the family peace, just tell your mom-in-law that you didn’t mean to insult her or the business. Clarify that you’re glad she is providing a safe place for children whose parents won’t bother or can’t be there for them. Compliment them for being there for their own children and reassure them you will be there for yours. Then let it go.
Q — My parents are having problems with my brother who is 21 and lives with them without paying rent. He has a part-time job and goes to college part-time, but is very irresponsible.
He goes out at night, coming home the next day drunk and abusive. They have called the police and thrown him out. He cleans up, then it starts again.
My mother is very controlling; my father is very passive. What should I do? Dallas
A — It is possible that your folks need him as a buffer for their marriage. Sometimes, folks hold on to an errant adult child because without his or her presence and problems, there would be nothing left for them at all.
I suggest you sympathetically urge your parents to go for some counseling for themselves (without your brother). Perhaps some insight and growth between the two of them will result in a more proper course of action with your brother.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
