A widow at 41 is the sad reality for TV newswoman Katie Couric.
Her husband, high-profile lawyer Jay Monahan, died of cancer Jan. 24 at age 42. When Janis Boeger of Olathe, Kan., heard the news, “I thought, you know, I could write her a letter and tell her, `I know exactly how you feel at this moment.’ “
Boeger’s husband, Nick, died of cancer on March 25, 1997, at age 42. On that day, she entered an odd and lonely place: young widowhood.
Here is what Boeger would tell Couric about that place:
“You aren’t the same, because half of you is gone. And it will be a long time before you feel differently.
“And you’ll grieve not just for that person but for the past you had and for the future that you had planned that will not become a reality.
“Everybody says, `It’ll get better with time.’ But you will never be the same person again. I already know that.”
Young widows face special issues, according to Helena Lopata, author of “Current Widowhood: Myths and Realities” (Sage Publications).
“There are several more serious problems than with older widows,” said Lopata, a senior professor in the sociology department at Loyola University in Chicago.
As women age, Lopata said, they eventually come to expect widowhood. Older women, she said, “are more likely to `rehearse,’ as it is called, as their friends become widows and they see how it changes their lives.”
Young women who don’t observe this aren’t prepared emotionally or practically.
Lopata has studied and worked with widows in their 20s, 30s and 40s and has noticed that many have similar concerns.
There often is unfinished financial business. If she has small children, a widow worries about being mommy and daddy.
America is a youth-oriented society, Lopata added, so “people don’t want to think about or deal with death and dying and grief,” often leaving the young widow without emotional support.
Another problem many young widows encountered, Lopata said, is that married women friends started avoiding them “because the wives assumed that their husbands might be interested in the widow . . . even when the husbands don’t do anything to make the wives think this.”
But to Boeger, it’s the feeling that “your world is spinning and you’re just watching it” that is so overwhelming.
In August 1996, she and her family had just moved into a home they had built in Olathe–“our dream home,” Boeger said.
Five weeks to the day, her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. Then a tumor in his kidney appeared. He was dead five months later.
“We had just redone our lifestyle, doubled our house payments,” Boeger said. “It’s been hard financially. We didn’t have a lot of insurance.”
There are three Boeger children, ages 8, 5 and 4. In addition to coping with her grief and money challenges, Boeger has helped them grieve.
“You don’t have time to grieve for yourself,” she said. “You’re grieving for your children, for what they’ve lost.”
Her youngest child recently said to her, “Mommy, it would be really sad if you died too.” Boeger admitted she worries about the same thing. “Suddenly, I have the sole responsibility of raising three children as a single parent. I worry about my mortality.”
Such concerns are common among the young women that Kimberly Foley counsels. She is a bereavement specialist at Kansas City Hospice, which runs six-week courses for young widows and widowers.
It’s a tough time for women, Foley said, “trying to be there for their children when the women really need time alone to grieve.”
A stay-at-home mother might be forced to return to work after her spouse dies, another huge lifestyle change.
The toughest time for a young widow varies, Foley said. A few months after the death is when “everyone assumes that the young woman’s life has gotten back to normal when really things are starting to fall apart.”
That’s when many widows start looking for a support group.
“From what they say, it feels very, very strange to be a widow at 35 or 40,” Foley said.
Kansas City Hospice usually offers two special support groups each year. Although the groups meet formally for six weeks, most remain together socially, Foley said.
“They meet monthly at someone’s house for dinner or go to movies together–just to be with other people who know what they’re going through.”
Friends and family of young widows don’t seem to understand. For example, well-meaning folks try to get them dates.
