When Betty’s family relocated to Naperville a year ago, it was the fourth time in her 14-year marriage that she had had to pack up all of their belongings and start over in unfamiliar territory.
“This was the hardest move I’ve had,” admitted Betty (she and other transplants interviewed for this article asked that their real names be withheld). “In every other move, I adjusted just fine, but this time I moved away from family and had to leave a job I liked. I had moved in physically but not emotionally. I found myself feeling depressed and out of sorts.”
Initially she kept busy setting up the new home, navigating her way around town and helping the children, ages 11 and 8, adjust to their new schools, but she said she often felt bewildered and lonely.
“Once the kids went off to school, I found myself asking, `Now what?’ I didn’t have ambition to do much of anything,” she said.
Similarly, Nancy, who moved to Carol Stream a year and a half ago, was wrestling with her own negative emotions. “I felt a great deal of resentment toward my husband,” she said. “He had his new job, but I had to leave a job of my own. I was in charge of taking care of the house and the kids, but I didn’t address my own needs. I got very angry sometimes; I got frustrated and, to an extent, felt very isolated.”
Early last summer, both women spotted a listing in a local paper announcing that a support group was being formed in Naperville specifically for people who have had to relocate because of a spouse’s job change. The group, created by family therapist Kathy Grinnell of the Centers for Family Change, which is an individual and family counseling center based in Oakbrook Terrace and has a satellite office in Naperville, was formed in response to an increasing need she observed among patients.
“I got the idea from some women patients who have moved because of their husbands’ job transfers and have been having some difficulty adjusting,” Grinnell said. “Although many women have good coping skills, some have gone through four or five moves, and they’re running down. They have no place to go to get support.”
Other counseling groups are also becoming aware of this need. Paul Parks, a licensed counselor and executive director of the Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Center, also in Naperville, speaks on the subject to counselors and local church leaders. “Whether moving across town or across country, relocation brings with it a variety of challenges, stresses and changes,” Parks said. “Understanding the emotional dynamics inherent in such moves can help individuals and families celebrate the potential blessings of relocation and realistically engage those inevitable curses.”
Although relocated spouses may feel dislocated and alone, new residents have plenty of company, particularly in Naperville. A spokeswoman for the city of Naperville estimated that, based on the number of utility requests, an average of 30 families relocate to the area every week. That adds up to 1,500 new families a year (all new inhabitants, including those moving within Naperville).
Although these new residents have been uprooted from locations all over the country — and, in some cases, the globe — their experiences and emotions are often similar.
“The wives are usually responsible for the things going on in the move,” Grinnell said. “They have to find a house, get the movers, do the packing and set up the children in their new schools. Their husbands have often started their new jobs months ago, and the women are left to do the dirty work. They didn’t even want to move, yet they have to do all this stuff too.”
After the move is complete, Grinnell pointed out, it is also the wife who is traditionally left with the task of unpacking and settling in. Although most women do want to participate in this process, they can resent it if they are left to do most of the job alone. “Some who have had a number of transfers don’t really want to set up the new home,” she said. “They’ve lost incentive because they’ve done it so many times. Some are struggling with their careers. Then on top of that, they have a real difficulty establishing a social network, and that’s the last straw.”
The key to adjusting to a new location, Grinnell said, is being able to reach out, connect with other people and try new things, all of which her support group strives to address directly. On the first Wednesday of each month, the group meets in Grinnell’s office in downtown Naperville. During the meeting, members are welcome to share their backgrounds, experiences and concerns. On the third Wednesday of each month, the women convene for the social activity of their choice.
“I really looked forward to it,” Betty said. “It was my little outing, something just for me. Afterward, we usually went for coffee and talked some more. It was so comforting to find other people in the same boat.”
These chats over coffee soon developed into full-fledged friendships. Betty and two other members have continued their relationships outside the group and no longer feel the need to attend meetings. “Once I found an emotional connection, I felt I could move on,” she said. Betty notes that she has also found a better, more satisfying job where she is happy.
One of Betty’s new friends, Jean of Naperville, plans to go back to one more meeting. “Although I don’t really need the group anymore, I want to go back and thank Kathy personally,” she said. “She was excellent. I got a lot out of it.”
In addition to forging friendships in the group, Jean attributes her new-found contentment to getting involved with volunteer activities, particularly at her son’s school. “Once you get over the fact that you’re here, and you’re starting to like it, you find that you want to do more,” she said.
Carol, who has been in Naperville for less than a year, said that the group has helped to ease a sense of loss that at times feels overwhelming. “This has been very reassuring,” she said. Although her home-based business is starting to get busy and she is making new contacts, she is not quite at home in Naperville or ready to make the break from the group. and its emotional reassurance. “I’m almost there,” she said.
Depending on the circumstances, Grinnell said, it usually takes a year or two for someone to feel settled in and at home in a new location. “After a while, people feel they don’t need to talk about it anymore,” she said. “There’s healing.”
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For more information on the support group for relocated spouses (men are welcome too), call the Centers for Family Change at 630-495-7040.
