It’s Oscar time on television tonight, and viewers everywhere are anxious to learn who the big winners will be and whether the champion pugilist has what it takes to be a prime-time entertainment host on the “Oscar De La Hoya’s Big Fight Night” special on Fox (7 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32).
ABC, meanwhile, is also running an Oscar show, “Oscar” being the nickname for the statuettes dispensed in an apparent tie-in production known as the “Academy Awards” (8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7).
More than just a shot in the arm to the formal wear industry, more than an excuse for a Monday night party, more than a showcase for the oratorical arts, the Oscars — movie version, of course — are the occasion when Hollywood takes a long look in one of its many mirrors, smiles a mouthful of cosmetically enhanced teeth and winks at itself, immeasurably pleased.
Already secure in the knowledge that large segments of the media are in its sycophantic thrall, the movie business on Oscar night can reaffirm its hold on the American public.
When it comes to Academy Award time, even the more skeptical media play along in this aggrandizement of the movie business–witness the number of Oscar stories in today’s paper.
A number of these are on the order of who will win, who should win and what will they wear. I leave those predictions to the experts and wannabes: people like Siskel and his thousands of would-be beaters, not to mention the folks who have been assiduously compiling press releases emitted by assistants to fashion designers.
I am here to foretell something different: the course of the broadcast, using no more scientific device than three fingers pressed to my temple.
Traditionally the second most watched thing on television in a given year–after, of course, the opposition party response to the president’s State of the Union address–the Academy Awards are so blessedly popular that other networks might as well be running a test pattern.
The envelopes, please:
– Nimble host Billy Crystal will squander the good will that has made him the seemingly unanimous choice for the job by making a joke that suggests, obliquely, that “Titanic” is not the greatest artistic achievement in the history of humankind. Thousands of angry letters and phone calls will leave the comic a broken man, unable to get a meeting in Hollywood or an audience at a suburban Zanie’s.
– Big trouble for Matt Damon and Ben Affleck on what should be a triumphal night. Not only were the young actors nominated for best screenplay for “Good Will Hunting,” the movie is also up for Best Picture, Damon is up for Best Actor and the two are said to be dating Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder, although I can’t keep straight which fella is aligned with which gal.
During the ceremony, as the cameras turn to the duo for a reaction shot, viewers will see a striking gentleman behind them. He is either the devil or Joe Mantegna in a red Versace tux, and he will tap both of the lads on the shoulder and mouth a phrase that deaf viewers will later insist, after the two have mysteriously disappeared from the face of the Earth, was “It’s time.”
– Barbara Walters’ traditional pre-Oscar special, this time lobbing softballs to Burt Reynolds, Will Smith and Kim Basinger (7 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7), will be shot in such soft focus that an Internet user group will spring up to discuss the show’s tips on floral arranging.
– Leonardo DiCaprio, who has insisted his plans not to appear at the ceremony have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that he was not nominated for his work as gold digger Jack in “Titanic,” will change his mind and appear after all, but not in the usual way.
Demonstrating artistic integrity and a faith in the union ideals of the Screen Actors Guild, DiCaprio will march in front of the pavilion, humming the “Internationale” and carrying a sign that reads “Academy Unfair to Me.” First to sign his grievance petition: veteran TV snub victim Susan Lucci.
– On the way into the hall, perennial Best Actor nominee Jack Nicholson will notice DiCaprio, read his sign and lay him out with a quick jab to the jawbone. Nicholson’s tie won’t even need adjusting.
– Caught on videotape and replayed endlessly on TV entertainment magazines, the blow will earn Nicholson three Emmy awards and a spot on the upcoming “Oscar De La Hoya’s Celebrity Fight Night.”
– Greg Kinnear, nominated as Best Supporting Actor for his gay neighbor in “As Good As It Gets,” will embarrass the Hollywood community with his overcompensation. At various points the telecast will catch him smoking an enormous cigar, watching the Bulls game on a mini-TV, belching a sea chantey, holding a blanket over his lap with surprise date Pamela Anderson Lee, and wearing a lapel pin that says “Cancel `Ellen.’ “
– Celebrity-sniffing journalists Sam Rubin and Leanza Cornett, on WGN-Ch. 9’s live pre-Oscar show (6 p.m.), will undergo a joint career crisis when regal Judi Dench snubs them on the way in and then kindly Gloria Stuart gives them a withering look.
Untroubled by such matters of conscience, Joan Rivers (pretty funny comedian) and Melissa Rivers (offspring of pretty funny comedian) will soldier on, hosting their annual preshow on the E! cable channel (6 p.m.)
– Finally, a surprise musical number, Michael Flatley stepdancing to the song stylings of Celine Dion, will cause an episode of mass viewer nausea more profound than even the Japanese cartoon scare of a few months back.
