DEAR DR. LAURA: My husband’s parents tell him that if he loved them, he would not live far away. We are happy in the city where we are (about a four hours’ drive from them), and frankly, I would be very unhappy living in their town. We visit once every two or three months, and my husband also calls them once or twice a week. To make matters worse, they blame me for taking their only son. How do we change their view on love, or at least understand that we don’t have to live near them to love them? Falls Church, Va.
A — I don’t believe you’ll change their view on “love,” since what they are doing doesn’t sound anything like it. I don’t believe love is what they’re after; it sounds more like control.
I suggest you read M. Scott Peck’s “People of the Lie.” Some sections might be applicable to your situation. There are some folks who are not emotionally disturbed, or confused, or unable to understand a situation; there are some folks who are simply evil, bent on destruction and domination. Perhaps you need to minimize but not eliminate contact with your in-laws.
Your husband might curtail the frequency of phone calls and make them shorter if they’re not more congenial. Additionally, you might decide to make fewer trips unless their attitude changes. In this way, you may influence them to control themselves better.
Q — My 19-year-old daughter had a baby after living with her boyfriend for two years. Three months after the baby was born, he got drunk and kicked her and the baby out of the house. She moved in with me and after three months of proving she is an unfit mother, gave me custody of her child. I do not agree with her lifestyle, or much of anything about her life. It is all I can do to be around her for any length of time. She is my daughter and I love her, but I don’t like her! What are parents supposed to feel in situations like this? Arlington, Texas
A — When an adult child behaves so irresponsibly, it is a heartbreak to any parent. Your feelings are quite normal. However, I urge you not to become abusive out of that reasonable frustration. You might want to contact your local Tough Love chapter to get reinforcement for setting limits. Bless you for rescuing your grandchild.
Q — My question is about opposite-sex friendships when at least one of the friends is married. If the marriage is solid and there is trust between the spouses, such friendships should not be a threat to the non-friend spouse.
But, as my husband of 32 years has done, when the friendship is carried on secretly for five years and the spouse (me) finds out about it only because of an envelope flap with a woman’s name on it; when they exchange letters and cards several times a year through the husband’s business address; when the husband sends the friend a dozen red roses on her 50th birthday and gives his wife a card for hers, then there may be cause to ask whether this is “only a friend.”
I’m trying to remain gracious and civil about this friendship while telling him how I feel and the effect his behavior has on our marriage, but I feel very much betrayed and neglected. How do I maintain my self-respect in this situation? Excelsior, Minn.
A — I disagree with your premise that it’s OK for married folks to have “personal” friends of the opposite sex, outside of the coupled social arena. When one is in a committed relationship, one owes his or her partner many things, not the least of which is to avoid those temptations that so frequently lead to neglect and betrayal.
The excuse that a healthy relationship should be able to tolerate such behavior is insensitive, unrealistic and generally self-serving. It sounds like you’ve been sleeping in an insincere bed for a long time.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
