Some of the stories are probably urban legends, the kinds of barely believable things that happen to your second cousin’s neighbor’s sister-in-law’s boss’ friend.
It’s just possible that they’re true, but more likely they’re pure fantasy, the kind of story that we like to hear about other people because it makes us feel a little bit better about ourselves.
These are stories about how a kid’s nuclear physicist mother did his 5th-grade science project for him. Or about the SoHo painter who whipped together a nice little postmodern canvas for a high school art contest.
And there are countless stories of parents who called teachers to get an extension for a child’s homework or project and tripped over their pronouns: “I need a little extra time — I mean we need — I mean my son needs just a few more hours to finish.”
Parents’ egos occasionally become so thoroughly bound up in their children’s accomplishments that truly horrific things happen, as in 1991, when a Texas mother tried to have her daughter’s cheerleading rival bumped off.
Of course most parents would never think about hiring assassins. And most parents would like to think that they never, ever interfere with their children’s lives. But the truth is, as usual, somewhere in the middle.
Caroline Butler, education commissioner for the national PTA and a veteran elementary-school educator, said the issue of parent over-involvement is a perennial problem.
“It doesn’t matter whether it’s science fairs or soap-box derbies. Sometimes parents are very zealous in getting their hopes up for their children. It’s a very fine line between wanting to help, wanting to be supportive, wanting to contribute to a child’s education and doing too much for the child,” Butler said.
Part of the problem is that some parents tend to focus on the end of educational processes rather than on the process itself. Parents tend to focus on “who got first place,” Butler said, and not ask their children, “What did you learn from this experience?”
But even more of the problem may lie with the fact that activities such as art contests and soap-box derbies are organized by adults along adult ideas of achievement and hierarchies. No wonder children sometimes need a little help from the very adults who thought up the whole idea of science projects to begin with.
Jill Steinberg, a lecturer in the Department of Child and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, said that when parents get over-involved in an activity, it is almost always the structure of the activity that is at fault.
“You do not see parents’ rushing in to help their children do better at hide-and-go-seek. Or tag. Or finger-painting. Or making mud pies. The kinds of things that kids do on their own, they can do on their own just fine. It’s when you ask a 5th grader to do a science project that they really don’t have the skills to accomplish that children have problems.
“And it’s when children have problems that parents want to step in. And usually that’s OK. If your child comes to you and asks for help with schoolwork, I think that most of us would agree that a responsible, loving parent is going to say, `Of course I’ll help,’ ” said Steinberg, who is currently helping her son write an essay.
“It’s one of those monthlong projects that didn’t get done, and now it’s due and so now I’m trying to help him,” she said, echoing the words of parents everywhere.
Experts say high-school homework is less of a problem, that parental over-involvement occurs most in late elementary and middle school.
“By the time students get to high school, they tend to be much more motivated to do their work. They have a better sense of who they are, maybe, and so find it easier to motivate themselves. They’re also simply more capable intellectually of doing the assignments,” said Carole Green, chair of the biology department at Bronx High School of Science.
“Of course, you’re going to find examples of people who are just too involved in everything their child does,” Steinberg said. “You know, the kind of parent who calls up their 40-year-old son and asks him if he brushed his teeth that morning. That’s generally not seen as a sign of good mental health.
“And there are always parents who are going to live their lives vicariously through their kids, the kind of people who need to be able to go into the office Monday and say, `My kid got a home run’ or `My kid made Eagle Scout’ or `My kid won the bake-off.’ And for the kind of person who can’t feel good unless his kid did better than yours, then there’s always the temptation to rig the game, to make sure that the other kids didn’t have a chance,” Steinberg said.
“But I really don’t think that you see that all that often. It’s just not the kind of thing that in my experience, as a researcher or as the mother of a 7th grader or as a former after-school day-care director, I have really seen all that much of. It’s something that people talk about more than they actually do.”
Many people who work with children say projects that bring out parents’ competitive nature also exaggerate class differences among students.
Poorer parents don’t have the time or money to run out at 1:30 a.m. to get a new soldering gun to replace the one that shorted out. And they don’t have connections to scientists, artists or engineers who can serve as models and resources for their children.
Amy Cox, a science education specialist with the Los Angeles Museum of Natural History and a former teacher in North Carolina and California, agreed that parents’ connections, rather than late-night cramming sessions, often help students the most.
“When you look at a school district like the one we have in Los Angeles, then you’re dealing with some schools that have students from predominantly wealthy and upper-middle class families and others whose families are not as economically well off. And those differences in economic background make a very large difference when it comes to something like science fairs.”
Cox said she has worked recently with two students whose parents’ jobs at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and the Scripps Oceanographic Institute in San Diego got them lab space and equipment in two of the country’s pre-eminent scientific institutions.
“Now most of us as parents can’t just drop into JPL and say, `Could my kid just borrow a corner of the lab here for a few weeks for her science project?’ ” Cox said. “But, on the other hand, if you were a parent who worked at JPL, wouldn’t you want to provide your child with the best possible tools for learning? Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? It does seem unfair, but it’s also pretty understandable.”
And it’s also just the kind of thing that leads to stories about how rocket-scientist parents helped their daughter design a surveying mission to Ursa Minor for her 6th-grade science fair.
THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF STUDYING
Following are guidelines for homework issued by the Chicago Board of Education.
Kindergarten: 15 minutes a day.
Grades 1-3: 30 minutes a day.
Grades 4-6: 45 minutes a day.
Grades 7-8: 90 minutes a day.
Grade 9: 120 minutes a day.
Grade 10: 130 minutes a day.
Grade 11: 140 minutes a day.
Grade 12: 150 minutes a day.
In addition, the guidelines suggest the following parental involvement.
Kindergarten: 15 minutes a day of reading and encouragement for homework.
Grades 1-3: 30 minutes a day of parent reading, writing and listening activities.
Grades 4-6: 120 minutes a week of such activities as visiting museums and libraries and helping with longer school projects like book reports.
Grades 7-8: 120 minutes a week of helping on research papers, creative writing, etc.
Grades 9-12: 180 minutes a week of activities that promote cultural awareness, discussions of books and current events, help with longer writing assignments.
