I’ve been going to the show and reviewing the movies on WXRT-FM 93.1 for 14 years, but, hey, I’ve got a confession to make: I hardly ever get there in time to see the coming attractions. Being the show-goin’ veteran I am, I know that no matter what time is printed in the paper, I’ve always got an extra 10 minutes before the movie actually starts. I think it was seeing Peter Falk say, “I gotta go to the can,” one too many times that convinced me I could relax and stop rushing.
But, with the summer movie season upon us, and dozens of flicks coming out each week, you need to see the trailers to help ya weed through the garbage. As a service to all you fellow late arrivals, over the past few weeks I’ve made it a point to get there on time and this is what you’ve been missing:
“The X-Files.” Except for “Munsters Go Home,” I’ve always had a problem with movies based on TV shows that are still on the air, but I gotta say I was totally sucked in by this trailer. It’s pretty scary. It starts off with kids looking into a hole. One of them climbs down and his friend says “What’s down there Steve?” Steve finds a skull and then something happens and his spineless friends ditch him as the “X-Files” music and logo come on. Then all this rapid-fire dialogue comes flying. “I need you on this one,” “There’s no time,” “It has mutated,” and the clincher, “The truth is something you can never guess, never predict.” They hook you with a horror movie setup and then ram the monster-conspiracy-search for-truth angle down your throat. Does a good job of grabbing your attention even if you don’t watch the show.
“The Horse Whisperer.” Looks like “Bridges of Madison County” with horses. Robert Redford is some kind of horse shrink who doesn’t help people with horse problems, he helps horses with people problems. What does the horse say to him, “I don’t know why, but it always feels like she’s on my back”? They show you an unhappy girl, a disturbed mom and then sweeping visuals of horses, snow and mountains, with love, kisses and triumph tossed in to big swelling epiclike music. Might be the kind of movie you could take either a date or your mom.
“Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” If you’re not familiar with the Hunter S. Thompson book you would think this movie is about nothing more than drug hallucinations and car crashes. Come to think of it, that’s all the book is about. “Two convertibles, one city” and Johnny Depp once again in weirdo mode. Loud, crazy and confusing, but they use “Magic Carpet Ride.” There’s nothing like cars crashing to Steppenwolf.
“Can’t Hardly Wait.” After seeing this trailer, I can. It looks like the entire movie takes place at some kind of underage drinking and sex party. The music blasts, the booze flows, a guy loses the feelings in his legs, and they all talk about wanting to have sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Party of Five”). Then the music changes to that Third Eye Blind ballad, and it gets all sensitive as some kid talks about how in love he is with Hewitt. Coming of age while the parents are away. No scenes of the cops arriving.
“The Truman Show.” This is a great trailer that totally hooks you in first by looking pretty cool. Then it asks questions to get you thinking, sets up the premise to get you interested, shows you Jim Carrey as a sympathtic character to make you care, and then takes you through some plot developments to show you where the movie goes. Why see the movie after they show you so much? First of all they show you all this stuff so fast you’re really not sure what you’re watching, but then they wrap the trailer up with the words, “How Will It End?” I dunno, but I want to know. If the movie is anywhere near as good as this, it should be great.
“Godzilla.” Does a pretty good job of getting you excited for this old-timer. Starts out at sea with claw marks on wrecked ships and reports of something unknown coming toward the Eastern Seaboard. Then it gets quiet and you see a New York street with cops standing in front of their cars. Then you hear the first booming footstep and all the cars and cops bounce about two feet in the air. Then buildings begin to crumble, everybody starts running, they give you quick shot of a foot and a tail, and you know the big guy has arrived in the Big Apple. Next it’s more quick shots of helicopters and torpedoes and the words, “Size Matters.” But I guess none of the stars do because they don’t show any of them. I wasn’t too excited by a new Godzilla movie, but after seeing this I started to think it might be OK.
“Out of Sight.” They grab your attention with, “From the makers of Get Shorty” and then hit you with the Isley Brothers on the soundtrack as they set up the whole movie with titles that say, The Crime, The Bust, The Break, etc. George Clooney is a crook, Jennifer Lopez is an agent and somehow they end up in a trunk together. They also hook you by showing the cast of Ving Rhames, Don Cheadle, Albert Brooks, and Dennis Farina one by one so that you say to yourself, “Everybody’s in this!” Plus a comical car theft scene with Rhames. Of all the trailers I saw this one made me the most anxious to see the movie.
“Blade.” Wesley Snipes takes on a secret race of vampires who look like club kids who haven’t had enough sleep. Snipes is no Buffy, but he is pretty buff in his black leather suit. He’s a “daywalker” who kills vampires with a sword. Guess that’s why they call him Blade. Oh yeah, he rides a motorcycle too. A quick glimpse of Kris Kristofferson shows he might have something to do with the vampires. Trailer makes the movie look pretty stupid.
“Lethal Weapon 4.” Any hopes of new wrinkles in the series go out the window right away. They don’t even give you an original trailer. It’s like the one from “Lethal 3,” where they show you a full action scene that probably isn’t even in the movie. It’s a good scene though. Riggs and Murtaugh are trapped behind a squad car while a guy shooting napalm from a flamethrower is in the middle of the street. Riggs talks Murtaugh into distracting the guy by stripping down to his underwear and flapping his arms like a bird. Riggs then shoots the guy, who flies into a tanker truck and blows up a gas station. It’s pretty cool, but why even make the full-length “Lethal” movies? My need for a “Lethal Summer” was satisfied by this Lethal moment.
“Small Soldiers.” This is the best trailer of the summer. It makes the movie look great! It’s like “Toy Story Attacks!” Big muscle action figures go berserk when some secret lab mistakenly implants them with munitions chips. They go nuts attacking Phil Hartman and the bald guy from “Mr. Show.” Big battles between humans and toys ensue. One of the toys gets put down a garbage disposal. “You have to be crazy not to be scared!” Trailer is played more for laughs then screams. Looks like it’s gonna be fun.
“Dr. Dolittle.” Believe it or not, but Eddie Murphy is Dr. Dolittle. Got a lotta laughs from the audience from all the wisecracking small mammals. Chris Rock is the voice of a hamster and Eddie gives mouth to mouth to a rodent who turns out to have gas. A lot of furry one liners are tossed out that were pretty comical. Thankfully, no hip-hop version of “Talk To The Animals.”
“Armageddon.” Asteroids of mass destruction, described by Billy Bob Thornton as “the best stuff from the Bible” hurtling towards Earth–but for a movie that probably has amazing special effects and plenty of explosions, the trailer downplays the action. It goes for a “Right Stuff” kinda thing by setting up Bruce Willis and his crew of oil-rig drillers on a mission to nuke the asteroid from the inside. A lotta talk about heroes and the tone is very serious, except for Steve Buscemi’s wisecracks and Liv Tyler screaming, “That’s my father up there!” They should have made this more of a rockin’ action/sci-fi experience instead of an episode of the Tom Hanks HBO NASA show. Hopefully the movie will be more fun.
“Six Days Seven Nights.” This looks like “Blue Lagoon” for adults with a little “African Queen” tossed in along with scenes from “Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid” and “From Here To Eternity.” Of all the trailers I’ve seen, this looks like the potentially worst movie, with Harrison Ford and Anne Heche marooned together on an island. They hate each other then they love each other. The only thing that could save this trailer would be Ellen showing up to punch out Ford.
“Bulworth.” Looks like a comedy where Warren Beatty is a senator running for re-election who says racist things and insults blacks and Jews while his staff looks uncomfortable. Seems like it’s going for the same appeal as “As Good As It Gets.” Nobody in the theater laughed, but the old lady sitting in front of me said to her husband, “Looks like a winner.”
The Regular Guy reviews movies Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:45 a.m. and p.m. on WXRT.
