The Bulls’ dynasty may or may not be entering its last days, but either way, it might be a good idea to start considering replacements for its key components:
First up: The man in the middle.
Luc Longley:
Joined team: Feb. 23, 1994
Position: Center
Height/weight: 7-2, 292 lbs.
Numbers: 11.4 points 5.9 rebounds
Contract status: Free agent
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS
GREEN GIANT
Position: Jolly
Height/weight: 300 feet
Numbers: Pea-like
Contract Status: Out of work
Bring it on: Kindly and good-natured
Thanks, but no thanks: Still doesn’t look like he can dunk.
GOLIATH
Position: Giant
Height/weight: 10 feet tall
Numbers: Runner-up
Contract Status: Looking for a sponsor
Bring it on: Certainly a big body in the middle and a guy with a beard to replace Phil Jackson’s look.
Thanks, but no thanks: Couldn’t even beat a little guy named David Stern.
CROCODILE DUNDEE
Position: In the middle of things
Height/weight: Modest
Numbers: Big knife
Contract Status: Walkabout
Bring it on: Similar accent, likes Foster’s and calls everyone “Mate”
Thanks, but no thanks: Wouldn’t put up with being called names by Michael Jordan.
SHAQ
Position: Whale
Height/Weight: 7-1, 330
Numbers: Top-rated center in NBA
Contract Status: Free agent after 1998-99 season
Bring it on: Will lead the NBA in scoring after Jordan retires
Thanks, but no thanks: If the Bulls can’t shoot in the United Center now, he might not hit 10 percent of his free throws.
MOBY DICK
Position: Angry Whale
Height/Weight: 300 tons
Numbers: One Ahab
Contract Status: Blubbery
Bring it on: Able to bring down an entire team
Thanks, but no thanks: Too much material for his uniform.
