DEAR DR. LAURA — I owe you this letter of apology. After calling you on your radio program I thought your feedback was simplistic. I was wrong. Your insight was right.
Here’s what happened. I told you we had bought a condo for my daughter while she went to college. We were paying all her expenses. After trying to reach her on several nights, late, she finally admitted she sometimes stayed late at her boyfriend’s house to study, but no sex. She further informed me that since she was an adult now, we didn’t have any right to ask, know or direct her life.
You told me that too many young people try this maneuver: wanting the independence and power of an adult while in the comfort of a dependent position. You told me we should lovingly inform her that “the buck stops here,” and her independence begins. I spoke with my therapist about this, and she thought it was too severe.
Well, we came to find out my daughter was sleeping with her boyfriend most of the week and that very little effort was going into school. As you had advised, I told her that while I didn’t agree with her choices, I accepted her as an adult who could make her own decisions. If she wished to behave like an independent adult, she needed to take on the responsibilities too.
We took back the condo and informed her that school finances would now be her problem. We told her we loved her and that we would always be there for her, but that she’d flown the nest. She became very angry that she’d have to get a job now. . . . It was actually laughable, and sad, to realize how spoiled her mentality was.
I apologize for taking so much time to see the error of my ways. It’s sad how afraid we are of our kids’ disapproval and unhappiness. I was wrong. I have to teach her responsibility. Thank you. Seattle
A — Thank you. It is curious, as you pointed out, how we’ve changed from a society that attempts to make its children self-sufficient and responsible at a young age to a society that worships our children’s comfort and happiness at the expense of their character development. I’m glad you “got with the program.”
Q — Should I give an ultimatum to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years? We are sexually intimate and are living together. I have a 6-year-old from a prior relationship and want a family for her. My boyfriend says he’s not ready yet and not sure he wants to be responsible for a child. What should I do? Boston
A — My guess from your brief letter, and so many similar-sounding calls on my program, is that you don’t have an education or sense of purpose and direction in your life. You continually take what I termed in my first book, “The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives,” the female escape route: you look to men, “love” and relationships for stability and purpose.
However, your desperation leads you to jump to whatever man seems to want you. You don’t take the time to see that he only wants you for his convenience. And since you haven’t taken the time to mature and develop a respect for yourself based on your own efforts and grit, you don’t aspire for more in a man or a relationship.
Take your child, who isn’t learning much of anything healthy from you at this point, and go back to your parents’ or some other relative’s home and take the time you need to mature.
Focus on the best interests of the child, not your loneliness or need to be saved from yourself by some guy.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
