They were small gestures. Still, they meant so much.
When Doreen rushed home after her son’s sudden death, she found her friends consoling her other children.
After her mother died, Mary was visited frequently by a neighbor who brought food and Kleenex.
On the cold winter night the cancer finally claimed his daughter, Jerry found his driveway had been plowed by a neighbor.
Jerry, Doreen and Mary are among the many mourners who say it is individual moments of kindness, practical acts of sympathy, that make a lasting impact during times of mourning. However humble or grand the gesture, acknowledging the pain surrounding the death of a loved one provides comfort. And, collectively, these acts can lift part of the burden family and friends feel when someone they love dies.
Listening, just being there, is the gift mourners crave the most.
Margaret Moser is used to listening. She attends 80 funerals a year as minister of care and outreach for St. Raymond Catholic Church in Mt. Prospect.
“The best you can give someone is your presence,” Moser says. “Allow that person to feel, to cry. People need to say the story over and over again until they don’t need to say it anymore. It’s how they heal. They (may not) remember what you say, but they will remember that you were there.”
As coordinator of bereavement services for Hospice of Northeastern Illinois in Barrington, John Warner repeatedly sees the need for a sympathetic ear. “Too often, by the time the shock wears off (weeks or months later), when the griever wants to talk, nobody wants to hear about it anymore,” Warner says. “So mark your calendar to be there to ask sensitive questions about how the person feels, about what’s going on in his life.”
Doreen Moore remembers her friends’ comforting presence as they all sat in her Palatine living room after her son’s death. “I can’t even remember what they said. To help a friend, you don’t have to say wise things or quote Scripture; just grunt, make listening sounds,” she says. Today, Moore offers listening support to others in her professional capacity as clinical director for Spectrum Youth and Family Services for Schaumburg Township.
Sue and Jerry Turek of Park Ridge remember how they needed to talk about their 36-year-old daughter’s death for months after she died from breast cancer. Night after night, their friends and neighbors, Linda and Chalmer Wilkins, sat with them.
“We asked the same questions over and over again: `Why would this happen to her? If we believe in God, how could God take her away from two little kids?’ ” Sue Turek says. “They didn’t try to answer; they just listened.”
As Linda Wilkins remembers it, “Sometimes they’d cry and we’d listen, or we’d cry and they’d listen.”
Counselors also recommend helping mourners make it through the mechanics of daily living with practical acts of sympathy. “Give what you’re good at,” Warner says. “What is your relationship with that person? Don’t go above it, and don’t go below it. If you’re a neighbor who knows that you’re not very sensitive, don’t try to get them to spill all to you. Instead, offer to mow their lawn, buy groceries. If you know you’re sensitive, give the person quality time.”
“Send cards and notes,” says Katherine Schnidt, a licensed clinical and family counselor with Lutheran Child and Family Services of Illinois in Arlington Heights. “Something that comes by mail is non-intrusive. They’re free to read it now, read it later, read it again. Tell them stories about their loved ones. One client carried all of the cards in the pocket of her apron for the first two months after her husband’s death.”
Other suggestions include making sure the refrigerator and pantry are full of food, paper goods and disposable utensils in good supply to handle visitors. Have someone at the house the day of the funeral (sadly, thieves scan the obituaries). And provide attention and snacks for little ones at the funeral services.
In his capacity as owner of Chicago Jewish Funerals in Northbrook, David Jacobson encourages supporters to “suggest outside counseling when appropriate. Getting help is not a sign of weakness but of wisdom.”
Referrals made all the difference for Cynthia Oliver of Arlington Heights. She didn’t know how she could survive when her 21-year-old son committed suicide six years ago. “I’m so grateful to two women friends, both therapists, who approached me separately at Doug’s funeral and said, `Here’s where you need to go,’ ” she says. “Then they handed me a piece of paper with the LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) phone number on it. Other friends brought me helpful books and cassettes. They didn’t just tell me where to find them.”
Even though her mother’s death wasn’t unexpected, Martha Galassi felt dazed and couldn’t face getting together the clothes her four children needed to wear to Grandma’s funeral. Her Arlington Heights neighbors rounded up navy blue sport coats of varying sizes for her sons to borrow, bought a new shirt for her teen whose arms had grown, and helped her daughter find new shoes.
Now Galassi uses her neighbors’ kindness as an example of how to support other mourners. “I found out my kids won’t eat other people’s cooking, but we could have used a good pizza,” Galassi says. “So when I’m sending food to the bereaved, I give gift certificates to neighborhood restaurants that offer foods familiar to the family.
“And if you’re in doubt as to whether you should go to the funeral, I say go. I’m embarrassed by how much it mattered to me that the church be filled for Mom’s funeral. It was special to have her life acknowledged by so many people.”
Sometimes it takes awhile to gather courage to approach the mourner. But just as there is no expiration date on grief, there is no deadline for extending support. Moser recalls one woman who says the only thing she looked forward to for months after her husband’s funeral was going to the mail to see if she got any cards.
It has been 20 years since Diana Cunningham’s 13-year-old son was killed in an accidental shooting. Today, Cunningham, who lives in Warrenville, serves as director of Compassionate Friends, an Oak Brook-based, national support organization of parents, grandparents and siblings mourning the loss of a child.
“Most in society believe that after a few months, as long as you’re getting up in the morning, that’s enough,” she says. “Don’t assume that because someone has put on their public face they don’t need your friendship and support.
“This past Christmas, my daughter, who was 7 at the time of her brother’s death, had photos of Jimmy and the family transferred to fabric and made into a quilt. I carry it with me everywhere. It helps people know they won’t forget their loved ones, even 20 years from now.”
Help might also include attending church services or a support group with the mourner, compiling photo albums or organizing the deceased’s favorite mementos, or working with a little one to create an “all-about-Grandpa” coloring book.
“There are very few things you can do wrong if you express your feelings out of genuine concern,” says David Lyke, director of program services for Omni Youth Services, a group that serves youths in northwest Cook and south central Lake Counties.
But there are some.
The hurt that mourners and counselors mention most is that friends quit talking about the deceased, no longer even mentioning his or her name.
“They say, `We didn’t want to remind you,’ ” Sue Turek says. “What they need to know is it’s never out of your thoughts, so you don’t have to worry about bringing it up. It’s like there’s this huge elephant in the middle of the room and people act like they don’t see it. It’s there anyway — go ahead and talk about it.”
And well-meaning people can inadvertently say things that hurt. According to Schnidt, “People might say, `It’s a blessing,’ or, like someone said to my mother, `Oh, you have another son, good thing,’ ” Schnidt says.
She refers to wounds caused by thoughtless words or actions as “scar time.” Scars may result from changes imposed on mourners by well-meaning friends or family. “One man’s parents came in one day while he was at work and got rid of all his deceased wife’s things. They intended to help, but his recovery was really set back,” Schnidt says.
Another don’t, according to Cunningham, is leaving young children out of the mourning and funeral experience. “We hear over and over again from siblings that they resented the adults thinking they were too young to understand,” she says. “People need to know, when tragedy strikes, that younger children need the truth, to be included.”
Jacobson witnessed a graveside incident that exemplifies the ineffectiveness of “should-ing,” a term counselors use to define clumsy attempts by family and friends to tell the mourner how to heal. “A wife was hysterical and crying out to her husband who had died, `Wait for me, wait for me,’ ” he says. “Everybody around shushed her, saying, `No, you shouldn’t say that.’ But the rabbi quietly went to her and said, `He will.’ And with that reassurance, that confirmation of her feelings, she was able to gather herself and go on.”
The worst thing you can do is abandon a friend. Jan Kendra of Hoffman Estates still aches as she tells of the anger she felt when her best friend of 12 years stopped calling after Kendra’s 24-year-old son and only child died unexpectedly.
“We’d been through a lot together — divorces, remarriages, our children’s teen years,” she says. “She was so afraid of her parents dying that I’d already promised her I’d be there for her when they did. But then, when Tom died, she didn’t offer me any support at all.”
But friends of Kendra’s son comforted her more than they’ll ever know, she says. And they did it with just a small gesture.
“Tom was playing football with them when his heart failed,” she says. “At the wake, they signed the football and put it in his casket. Then they went to the park where he died and left a candle for him.”
Resources and guidelines
People can help those they care for by educating themselves about death, grief and loss and the resources available to deal with these issues.
Neighborhood churches and synagogues, hospital chaplains, funeral directors, libraries and social services agencies can provide help.
But a woman grieving the loss of her husband has different needs from a son mourning his father’s suicide. Before joining a support group, here are some questions to ask:
– Who are the participants? Is there is a leader? What are his/her qualifications?
– Is the group open-ended? Some groups have been meeting for months or even years, so they offer friendships as well as comfort. Does the group have a specific focus or topic each meeting? Open-ended may mean sessions follow the lead of the participants in determining the evening’s topic.
– Is it closed-ended (a limit to the number of sessions), including a directed agenda and a specific course schedule? Some groups are led by a licensed grief counselor and may be a four- or six-week course. Some are conducted by those who have experienced a similar loss. If closed, how far along in the session is the series?
Here is a list of some resources to help you find a compatible group:
Center of Concern: Park Ridge social services agency serving Maine Township offers grief and loss support groups; 847-823-0453.
Compassionate Friends: Oak Brook group offers support for those grieving the loss of a child. Groups for parents, siblings and grandparents; it will refer you to locations of support closest to your home or workplace; 630-990-0010.
Hospice of Northeastern Illinois: Barrington-based agency provides comprehensive hospice services conducts bereavement groups; 847-381-5599.
LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide): Non-denominational support group sponsored by Catholic Charities; in northwest suburbs, groups meet either at Rolling Meadows office or St. Raymond Catholic Church in Mt. Prospect; 312-655-7283.
Lutheran Child and Family Services of Illinois: Arlington Heights-based, non-denominational social services agency provides help to families and individuals; 847-392-7571.
Omni Youth Services: Buffalo Grove social services agency provides counseling for children and youths in northwestern Cook and south central Lake Counties; 847-537-6677.
Parents of Murdered Children and Other Survivors of Homicide Victims: National organization offers local support; northwest suburban contact person is Pat Bosworth of Crystal Lake; 815-356-6041.
Spectrum Youth and Family Services: Schaumburg Township social services agency serves children ages 10 to 21; 847-884-6212.
