Because I don’t want to have to say two decades from now that I could have done something to save letter writing as I look at a letter-writer who’s been stuffed and put on display in the Field Museum, I am offering these handy clip-‘n’-save instructions on how to compose an epistle, as opposed to tossing off an e-mail.
First, know to whom you want to write. Relatives are a good choice, because letters are remembered fondly at gift-giving time. Newspaper writers are a good second choice, because so much of their mail is in the form of hectoring publicity material. There is no good third choice.
Second, know what you want to say. What’s in your craw? What was that striking thing your neighbor said to you over the hedgerow this morning? What’s happening with the old familial unit?
Third, think about how you want to say it. Archaic words like “hedgerow” always draw attention and endear the writer to his reader. Ditto for false anachronisms such as “old familial unit.”
Fourth, sit down to compose your letter. Some people are sticklers for blue-black ink or embossed stationery. I say bang it out on an Underwood, and use the blank back sides of your junk mail. This can lend subtext to your letter, such as that you are environmentally minded or a dangerous crank.
Fifth, place the letter in an envelope, seal it, address it, stamp it and mail it. This may seem like five steps at once, but you weren’t really going to keep reading paragraphs beginning “sixth,” “seventh,” “eighth” and “ninth, ” were you?
That is the last rule of letter writing and one that will help keep this art form alive all the way into the 21st Century: Recognize when you are boring your audience and give it what it really wants, in this case actual letters mailed with a stamp by actual television watchers who also read the Tribune:
I am particularly peeved at the weather persons on Channels 2, 5 and 7. When are they going to realize that you just can’t paint a happy face on severe weather, tornadoes, rain that seems to go on ad infinitum, blizzards and high winds?
Allan, Morton Grove
– When hell freezes . . . Nope, that wouldn’t work, would it? My solution to the wrongheadedness of television weather is radio weather. Newsradio stations give me, in two sentences, all the atmospheric news I need 355 days out of the year. There is then more time available for real news, and I have no idea whether the deliverer of the weather is smiling inappropriately or, indeed, dressed.
I know “Saturday Night Live” is capable of doing great skits and will shine again.
Mary, Chicago
– Just keep clicking your heels together.
Two great recommendations. Thanks for Robert Earl Keen’s “Picnic” and the soundtrack of “The Horse Whisperer.”
Randi, unspecified
– Hey, buddy, this is a television column.
Why do television producers think that it is interesting to look at people in bars jumping up and down, cheering, or people milling about on Rush Street?
Helen, Chicago
– You are talking about Bulls championship coverage, of course. The answer is that there is a rule in television news–I think it has to do with getting FCC renewal of a broadcasting license–stipulating that the same stories will always be covered the same way. This puts minimal strain on personnel, thus leaving extra resources for fancy new equipment such as weather radar and choppers painted like stock cars.
You must be crazy to complain about too much locker-room coverage.
Cindy, Chicago
– Not crazy. I just have an extremely sensitive sense of smell.
(NBC NBA announcer) Bob Costas never shuts up! His taking every move apart is boring. Hope he gets laryngitis.
Anonymous, Carol Stream
– And it counts, yes, against your cultural rehabilitation efforts even when you don’t sign your name, Marv.
I thought I was the only person in America who did not understand these Miller Genuine Draft ads. If I were a MGD drinker I would change my brand.
Marie, Chicago
– Judging from those ads, if you were an MGD drinker, you would be too blotto to change so much as the channel.
A clarification: In a column on local news two Fridays ago, I should have noted that while Joel Cheatwood, WMAQ-Ch. 5’s ex-vice president of news, did pass through the station’s revolving employment door to the extent that he no longer works on Channel 5 news, he continues to be employed by NBC, working as a vice president developing daytime programs for the network. That, news buffs may remember, is the second half of the dual job description that accompanied Cheatwood to Chicago in early 1997.
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Write to Steve Johnson c/o the Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL. 60611. To encourage real letter writers, he is keeping his e-mail address a temporary secret.
