News item: A WMAQ-Ch. 5 contract with top advertiser Ameritech calls for mentions of the communication company during weather reports on the station’s newscasts. WMAQ’s new Doppler radar weather-detection system is located on an Ameritech structure in Naperville. Station officials had no comment Monday, but an executive defended the stealth advertising in Friday’s Sun-Times, saying the “partnership with Ameritech” had made the top-notch radar possible for viewers.
Cue intro music, properly credited to the Muzak Co.
Announcer (excitedly): And now, live from our studios, constructed with lumber from Home Depot, it’s the Pork: The Other White Meat 10 O’Clock News for Monday, November 9, 1998.
Anchor 1 (male): Our top story tonight: Fire rages through a South Side building that area Eddie Bauer stores used as a warehouse. The NewsStation’s reporter is live.
Reporter: Thank you. I’m standing here, toasty and ruggedly stylish in an Eddie Bauer parka, in front of the scene of a tragic, early morning fire that swept through this empty former Bauer storage facility, damaging a corner of the building and providing the spectacular pictures you are seeing now.
The NewsStation has learned that the cause of the blaze is under investigation. Reached for comment, the president of the Eddie Bauer chain said that, ironically, the company had moved its warehouse operations to the suburbs 19 years ago, well before the chain’s current storewide sale. Back to you in the studio.
Anchor 1: That was a lucky break for Bauer.
Anchor 2 (female): It certainly was ironic. Good thing we all got our parkas before the blaze.
Anchor 1: Well, not so lucky is one suburban doctor. In tonight’s Miracles of Health and Beauty segment, our investigative team reports on the medicine man soon to be charged with bilking clients out of nearly a million dollars by performing mock liposuction procedures.
Investigative reporter (live in studio): He swore he would care for patients but mostly he took care of himself, treating himself to a downtown condo, European vacations and a top-of-the-line Volvo from Grossinger Volvo on McCormick Boulevard in Lincolnwood. A Grossinger official said his firm was upset that a bad man had one of its vehicles, but stressed it was just a lease.
Car salesman (on tape): We try to place our cars with reputable people and organizations only, such as the NewsStation for its executive fleet.
Investigative reporter (over videotape of thighs and buttocks): In a four-month investigation, the NewsStation has learned that this dastardly doctor would make incisions on the thighs and buttocks of his anesthetized patients, stitch them immediately back up, and then sit around reading magazines dedicated to conspicuous consumption.
When they woke up, not an ounce lighter or an inch thinner, he would then display to them old fat in a jar. In a cruel irony, the NewsStation has learned that it was actually pig fat carved from ordinary bacon, the kind that was recently donated for sandwiches at our company picnic by area Jewel-Osco stores.
The fraud was so widespread that several leading medical providers expressed shock that it hadn’t been detected sooner. This health-care executive chairs the professional standards committee at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke’s Medical Center.
Executive (on tape): This is a reprehensible practice. A medical professional, or institution, has to be devoted to providing top-quality care at affordable prices, as your viewers know from our ads.
Anchor 1: Thank you for that report. It is good to know there are reputable health-care providers out there. In weather today, our woman at the radar screen tells us the Ameritech Tower is positively humming with weather news.
Weatherwoman: That is true. Our live Doppler radar, located on the majestic Ameritech Tower in Naperville, tells us a storm is sweeping in from the West. We can expect a cold front and showers tomorrow. To find out more about that coming storm, those of you who have Ameritech’s new long-distance service might want to call friends in Des Moines.
Anchor 2: I have an Ameritech cellular phone. Will that work?
Weatherwoman (with mock incredulity): Will an Ameritech phone work? Is Doppler the best kind of weather radar?
Anchor 1 (chuckling collegially): We don’t have to log on to Lexis/Nexis database services for free to find the answer to those questions–although we could.
Anchor 2: In other news today, another Commonwealth Edison nuclear reactor underwent emergency shut-down procedures over the weekend. The NewsStation has learned that a serious nuclear accident could have long-lasting implications for the health and safety of the entire metropolitan area.
In response to the latest ComEd crisis, a member of the watchdog Citizen’s Utility Board expressed dismay that the utility spends so much money on feel-good advertising during local TV newscasts and not enough on the basic maintenance procedures that any competent organization must perform to prove itself worthy of the public trust. None of those ads appear on the NewsStation.
Anchor 1: And, finally, on the lighter side, this cheery group of West Side children got to head out to the wide open spaces to tour one of the western suburbs’ leading architectural landmarks. It’s the visually stunning Ameritech Tower, home of our own live Doppler radar. A good time was had by all.
Boy child (on tape): Wow! Look at that tower.
Girl child (lisping adorably): Amewitech.
Anchor 2: That’s our newscast. No sports today, of course, because the Bulls and Blackhawks stopped taking requests from our reporters for free tickets. Good night.
Anchor 1 (shuffling papers over credits): Say, does MCI even have a tower?
Anchor 2: I don’t think so.
Anchor 1: Ironic, isn’t it?
