It was the television thing that tripped up Ben and Stephanie Raymond.
Married in January, they had flawlessly blended their individual ideas, beliefs and expectations. Stephanie had never owned a television set; Ben was trying to merge the 36-inch set he owned as a bachelor with Stephanie’s antique baby grand piano, Oriental rugs and Victorian furniture. Stephanie did not see a spot for the boob tube.
The spat was on. But rather than standing toe-to-toe, trading volleys like tennis pros–the television stays . . . the television goes–the Raymonds say they discussed the matter calmly, without name-calling, and tried to discern whether they were fighting over the television or whether the television molehill became mountainous because work had rendered them tired or hungry.
Sure, squabbling about a television set may seem a trivial thing, but marital experts say it’s often the little things that couples allow to fester that land them in divorce court.
That’s why, before ministers at St. Luke Episcopal Cathedral in Orlando agreed to join them, the Raymonds had to complete a church-sanctioned premarital education course.
Churches have always had a vested interest in inoculating couples against divorce. But in recent years, the desire to keep marriages together has grown beyond churches. A grass-roots anti-divorce movement has emerged, drawing strength from secular research, churches and lately legislators.
In May, Florida lawmakers thrilled marriage-education advocates with House Bill 1019, the first legislation encouraging an ounce of divorce prevention before the couple marries. Gov. Lawton Chiles recently signed the bill, christened the Marriage Preparation and Preservation Act of 1998.
The sections of the law relating to marriage preparation take effect Jan. 1.
Co-sponsored by state Rep. Elaine Bloom (D-Miami Beach) and state Rep. Stephen Wise (R-Jacksonville), the law encourages–although it doesn’t require–couples to “together or separately, complete a premarital preparation course of not less than four hours.”
The course, may, according to the legislation, “include instruction regarding conflict management, communication skills, financial responsibilities, children and parenting responsibilities.”
In return, couples can slash $32.50 from the statewide $88.50 fee for a marriage license when they present a formal certificate showing they have completed the course.
The law also requires a three-day waiting period for a marriage license for couples not completing a marriage-preparation course.
Historically, premarital counseling has received short shrift. Counselors tried to fix problems after the fact.
Quietly over the last decade, therapists–spurred by rising divorce rates and research on what makes marriages work–have turned to educating couples on how to save their marriages before they begin.
Between 1970 and 1990, as divorce rates soared after no-fault divorce became the rule, the field of marital research and education–whose practitioners try to attack marital woes before they root–gained ground.
David Olson developed PREPARE, a program for engaged couples. Olson, a social scientist at the University of Minnesota, says his program can predict with startling accuracy which couples will divorce based on their answers to questions such as “My partner would not make an important decision without consulting me” and “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with me.”
Four of the most widely used programs are Couple Communication (CC), PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills), PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) and Relationship Enhancement (RE).
These programs, which range from one-day workshops to multisession courses, teach skills such as empathy, problem-solving and how to resolve conflicts.
Therapists, meanwhile, are not alone in using these techniques to strengthen marriage. Clergy and lay leaders have fused relationship enhancement with spiritual tenets.
Some churches offer licensed therapists to handle premarital education. Others rely on ministers and dedicated church members, eager to share their training in the techniques offered by programs such as PREP. Still others combine elements of various marital-education programs into something of a premarital-education gumbo.
