DEAR DR. LAURA — I am a black woman who happens to be in love with an Italian man. There also happens to be an age difference between us: I’m 21 and he’s 28. He’s from a Brooklyn, tight, Catholic-Italian family. I am from a Philadelphia, tight, Baptist family. This has been a four-year romantic relationship. I’ve met his family only once, and it seemed to me that they didn’t want me there.
I am very confused. We never had a problem getting around our differences before the dinner with his family. Now, all our problems seem to be race-related. He asked me to marry him last week, and I didn’t give him an answer. He also told me that he talked to his family, and they are ready to get to know me. But I can’t get over that first time that I met his family. And, do you think that I am too young to get married? Do you think that I should go out and date other people? Philadelphia
A — I’m relieved that you are in “cautious mode.” Adoring feelings for each other are necessary, but not sufficient for a happy, successful marriage. When you’re only dating, for example, the religious issues can too easily be swept aside. However, once married, joint familial worship, and the religious training and experiences of the children become a major problem.
Typically, marriages before the age of about 28 do have a higher failure rate. This is because the 20s represent a major transition from dependent child to a more independent, responsible, mature adult. Ask your boyfriend about his changes in opinion, attitude and behavior since his 21st birthday. Since you’ve only just finished college, I believe it would be good for you to get on your own, take care of yourself, begin a career and so forth and give yourself that time to ripen into an adult woman.
Q — Two years ago a very good friend had an affair and used me as her alibi without my knowledge. Her husband called me at 4:30 one morning to see if his wife was at my home. I said no, but that I had a fairly good idea of where she was. He asked if she was sleeping with someone else, to which I answered that I didn’t know for certain if she was having sex, but that she was seeing him regularly for a few months. He asked if I would meet him near the man’s home and take him to where she was.
I agreed. I do not regret having told the husband. I have not spoken with this woman since, but I found out that she is back in town and would like to make up. She is still with her husband in another state. Should I try to get in touch with her or should I leave things as they are? Milwaukee
A — It sounds as though you gave them the opportunity to save their marriage. Let her know your door is open!
Q — I had an abortion at 18 and walked out on my parents at 20 because they wouldn’t let me do what I wanted at the time. I haven’t talked to them for four years. They said if I left the way I did, I was on my own, and I am! They send me cards and letters and keep trying to talk to me. I throw them away and won’t talk to them. I don’t want them in my life. I tried therapy with them, with a guy I picked, but the shrink wanted to make it my fault, so I quit. My brother and sister say the parents have been great and love them. My aunts just tell me to do what I want and don’t worry about my parents, but they don’t know about the abortion and other stuff. What do you think? Boston
A — I think that you must know in your heart of hearts that your experiment with no rules and no standards has failed you. I believe you know your parents love you and did the right thing. I also feel that you want them back in your life, but your ego is stopping you from admitting your errors and that need for them. When you are ready to give up this false sense of being a victim, or being righteous in your position, then you’ll go home. Perhaps prayer will help you get to that place.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
