DEAR DR. LAURA — What can I do about my 20-year-old son wanting to get married to an 18-year-old girl? They are both nice kids, but that’s the problem: They’re kids. I’ve spoken to them both at length about waiting. They just won’t listen. I know it won’t last because they are not mature enough. They still both expect their parents to pay for school and other things. What should we do? Dallas
A — I think it is fair to explain that marriage is adult time. And, as adults, they are expected to take responsibility for their lives, plans, decisions, wants and pleasures. Calmly explain that you do not expect to subsidize or support an adult, married son. Instead of complaining to him about how he is not yet ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage, help him see what he needs to do to get there. That will either make a strong impression and they’ll back off, or help him to get prepared and they’ll do better.
Q — I have learned that another person has said something terrible about me to someone else. I am devastated and surprised — I thought this person liked me and was not the type to do something like that. I am angry and hurt and don’t know what I should do about this. So far I’ve just been festering. Any suggestions? Los Angeles
A — One person relates a tale to another person who couldn’t wait to relate the tale to you. Ever wonder about the motivations of each of these other people?
If I were told that somebody hurt my friend, I wouldn’t think of going to my friend. I’d go right to the source to confirm or not, and if true, stand up for my friend. Those who simply carry tales are prone to be the type to make up or exaggerate because of their unchecked envy, need for importance or power, or downright meanness.
In other words, don’t assume that this is even true. Part of your being a friend is to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and either ignore this or quietly discuss it. The people you should really worry about are the talebearers, who lick their chops with relish over juicy tidbits of pain.
Q — I’m getting ready to get married and have a parent problem. Some years ago they divorced. No real reasons, just bored with each other and wanting freedom. My dad found a new lady and is happily married. My mother doesn’t have anybody.
My mother tells me she’s uncomfortable coming to the wedding and sitting with my dad and his new wife. I think she expects me to ask my dad to leave his wife home or something equally mean and unacceptable. I’m really angry at my mother for putting me in this mess when I’m supposed to be happy about my wedding. I don’t know what to do to satisfy everybody’s feelings. Suggestions? Dallas
A — If there were severe abuse, frequent affairs, horrible addictions, I could understand the desire of the injured party not to have to share equal billing. In your parents’ situation, they gave up on their vows and commitment because of ennui. That your mother doesn’t have a new fellow, and your father has a new lady, is not sufficient reason to cater to your mother’s jealousy, resentment or even wishfulness for things to be back where they were.
Tell your mother you regret she’s alone, but that the point of the evening is your nuptials. Tell her you’re counting on her to cope with her many feelings for that evening so that you can have a memorable wedding. Tell her you love her and are hoping for a display of strength similar to that which she correctly brought you up to demonstrate.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
