“Everyone thinks I am going to be really formal and scary but I am not,” says Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, a woman whose name is virtually synonymous with modern etiquette. Four years ago, Peggy Post assumed the mantle of the Emily Post legacy from her mother-in-law, Elizabeth L. Post.
Last year, she updated Emily Post’s Etiquette for the 75th-anniversary edition and just last month, she published “Emily Post’s Entertaining: A Classic Guide to Adding Elegance and Ease to Any Festive Occasion” (HarperCollins, $20).
“My mother-in-law, Elizabeth, who carried on Emily’s works for 30 years before me, once confessed that she was nervous upon first meeting Emily, but that Emily put her immediately at ease.” Such graciousness, Peggy Post explains, is the essence of good manners. “Etiquette is a code of behavior based upon being thoughtful. That was Emily’s favorite definition, and it’s one that never changes.”
A recent visit with Peggy Post, a slender woman with tousled, dark-brown hair and just a hint of makeup, reveals her to be the picture of breezy, efficiency.
Indeed, it comes as somewhat of a surprise to think this relaxed stepmother of two grown sons runs what amounts to an etiquette command center from the cozy interior of her modest, Colonial Revival home in this suburb about 45 minutes outside New York City. Her firm grasp of social graces, however, serves as an instant reminder.
“If you are in need, there is a bathroom through the den which is to the right of the front door,” says Post to an arriving visitor, thus sidestepping the need for a later request. With a warm smile she then offers, “Would you like something to drink after your drive? Juice? Water?”
“So much of etiquette is common sense,” says Post as she carries a couple of tumblers, generously filled with cranberry juice, into the living room from her spanking-new, contemporary country kitchen. Settling into a small sofa upholstered in a blue-and-white diamond-pane pattern, she explains, “Emily firmly emphasized relationships, consideration and respect. She always said it was much more important that we be kind to the people with whom we are dining than know precisely what fork we should be using.”
Hearing Post refer to the author of “Etiquette” so simply and affectionately as “Emily” is touching. “I wish I had known her,” says Post who married Emily’s great-grandson Allen Post, an investment counselor, in 1979. “She was gorgeous and modern. So realistic, so pragmatic–that was really her trademark.”
Emily Post, the daughter of Josephine and Bruce Price, was born in 1873 in Baltimore but spent most of her life in New York. Her father, a socialite architect, is best known for having designed the wealthy suburban private community of Tuxedo Park, N.Y., along with many of its shingle-style houses.
Emily married into an old New York family and was quickly immersed in the social whirl of the city. At the same time, she was becoming an accomplished novelist and short-story writer, known for her sharp wit. But at the age of 51, she found herself a divorced mother of two, in slight (but not overwhelming) need of supplemental income.
When an editor friend suggested her for a projected “encyclopedia of etiquette,” Post reluctantly accepted the job.
“She spent almost a year on the project and came up with a nearly 700-page tome,” says Peggy of the book, which was first published in 1922. “Using characters such as Mrs. Newlywed, Mr. Vulgar, Mr. Kindly, Mr. Worldly and Mrs. New Neighbor to introduce situations, she created a text which was very readable and an immediate best-seller.”
According to The New York Times, Barnes & Noble labels the latest edition of “Etiquette” the top-selling book in its category today.
Post wrote with great opinion and humor on everything from the well-appointed house (“A gem of a house may be no size at all, but its lines are honest, and its painting and furnishing in good taste”); and junior etiquette (“The first point to make is that little children who are enchanting and little children who are pests, are one or the other almost entirely because of the way they are being trained”); to letter-writing (“Never put anything on paper that could cause you or any one mortification or discredit were it to be made public”).
She revised the book nine times in her lifetime. After she died in 1960, her one surviving son attempted to continue the work, but as Peggy Post says, “at the time, it didn’t make sense to have a Mr. Emily Post.”
In 1965, Emily’s granddaughter-in-law Elizabeth L. Post took charge of the Post legacy, updating the book five times and broadening the scope of the Post name through a monthly column in Good Housekeeping. In 1995, she handed her responsibilities over to Emily’s great-granddaughter-in-law Peggy.
“I was very flattered when they asked me,” says Post, who was born Margaret “Peggy” Grayson, in Washington, D.C., and graduated from Louisiana State University with a degree in education. She began her career as a flight attendant for Pan Am and spent 20 years in corporate management, consulting and sales.
Maintaining the relevance of the Emily Post name in today’s world is, in her words, “a big responsibility. But if I looked at it as a heavy mantle, then I would get nervous.”
She explains, “Knowing what to do in certain situations gives people the confidence to tackle those situations. It is as simple as that. The tricky part is that the guidelines change because our world is always changing.”
Post’s work frequently takes her on the road for seminars and personal appearances, particularly bridal shows. She also continues to write the monthly “Etiquette for Today” column for Good Housekeeping, as well as her “Ask Peggy” column for Good Housekeeping’s Web site, and has recently begun a quarterly column on children’s behavior for Parents magazine.
“Both magazines are so broad-based that I really get a feel for what people are interested in.” According to Post, more than half the questions she receives concern wedding etiquette (hence, the upcoming “Emily Post’s Weddings,” due out from HarperCollins in January).
Be it a wedding or barbecue–or a combination of the two, which is what Post threw for her Martha’s Vineyard wedding nearly 20 years ago–the trick to successful entertaining is to remember your guests and not get subsumed by the party details.
Says Post, “The subtitle of the new book is `entertaining with elegance and ease’ but I like to leave off the word elegance and focus upon the word ease. Entertaining should be enjoyable for the party-giver and the partygoer.”
A few Post basics: “Work within your budget, be prepared and plan ahead.”
Furthermore, cautions Post, “Don’t cook something for the first time. One of my famous disasters, before I was married, was a failed shrimp Creole dish that called for a clove of garlic. I mistakenly added the whole knob!”
She ends with a laugh, “That’s why I say there’s nothing wrong with serving prepared foods.”
Nowadays when Post plays host, “I do fairly small parties. I find that if I have a really big party, I don’t get to see everybody and then I get frustrated.”
The entertaining spaces of her home are cozy: The living room is anchored by an impressive Federal-style fireplace mantle painted sky-blue like the chair railing that encircles the room. Dark wood furniture (a tall secretary-bookcase, a set of Empire-style side chairs, an apothecary chest, a Queen Anne-style easy chair) mixes nicely with contemporary pieces (a long white upholstered sofa and a chinoiserie-inspired carpet).
Often Post utilizes her sun-porch-cum-office for additional dining space. “I set up three round tables, two in the living room and one on the adjacent porch.” Key to the success of any kind of get-together, she says, whether it be a picnic or a black-tie affair, is finding a congenial mix of guests. “I find it is nice to introduce people who don’t know each other and I often use place cards to help the process along.”
As practiced as Post may be, she is keenly aware of the stresses of entertaining in the ’90s. “In today’s busy world of two-career families, single parents and longer work hours, it often takes a greater effort to see friends. . . . But it is important to make that effort and realize that the more you entertain, the easier it gets.”
“Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage” ($28) and “Emily Post’s Entertaining: A Classic Guide to Adding Elegance and Ease to Any Festive Occasion” ($20) are published by HarperCollins.
You can find Peggy Post’s Web site column, “Ask Peggy,” at www.homearts.com/gh/advice/87postf1.htm.
WHAT IF…
Here are a few of the do’s and don’t’s from “Emily Post’s Entertaining: A Classic Guide to Adding Elegance and Ease to Any Festive Occasion,” written by Emily’s great-granddaughter-in-law Peggy Post:
– . . . you are the host to overnight guests and you are sleepy: Do turn in before your guests. Urge them to help themselves to a drink or snack and stay up as long as they want.
– . . . you are a house guest and need to use your host’s phone: Do pay for every long-distance call, no matter how wealthy the host may be. Take a calling card or telephone credit card or arrange for calls to be billed to your home number. “Another way the guest can pay is to call the operator as soon as the call is finished and ask, for example, for `the toll charge on 212-555-9121.’ ” Leave the amount with a slip, giving the date and number called.
– . . . your wife enters a room after you have been apart for a time: Do rise. “This is not a matter of manners but simply of saying, `I’m glad to see you.’ “
– . . . you wear lipstick: Don’t wear an excessive amount to the table. “Not only can it stain napkins, but it also looks unattractive on the rims of cups and glasses or on the silver. It’s a good idea to blot your lipstick prior to dining.”
– . . . you are a dinner guest and you have to sneeze or blow your nose: Do excuse yourself from the table and go to the restroom to blow your nose. “You might find it necessary to first blow your nose (by way of a few gentle puffs) . . . immediately following a sneeze. Do not use your napkin to blow your nose.”
– . . . you discover bugs, hair or other nonedibles in the food: Do try to remove the object without calling attention to it and continue eating. If you are truly repulsed, leave the dish untouched rather than embarrass your hostess.
– . . . you would like to toast “To your health” in a foreign language: Do say “A votre sant” (French), “Salud” (Spanish), “Prosit” (German), “Skoal” (Swedish), “L’Chayim” (Yiddish), “Slainte” (Irish), “Salute” (Italian), “Na Zdorovie” (Russian), “Na zdrowie” (Polish).
