The signs of the holiday season are everywhere. Houses glow with colorful lights and decorations, trees drip with garlands, store windows are decked out in holiday splendor and Christmas carols play everywhere.
But for the bereaved, the holidays can be hollow. Although the Christmas and Hanukkah seasons are associated with joy and happiness, many who have lost a loved one may be filled with grief and despair.
Ray Deabel of Chicago Heights, chaplain at St. James Hospital in Chicago Heights, explained that it is normal for the bereaved to face the holidays with anxiety.
Some common refrains for those who have suffered a loss, Deabel said, are: “I do not want to see decorations,” and, “If I hear one more Christmas carol, I will scream.”
“There’s no escape,” Deabel said. “It’s everywhere. Feelings of loss and anxiety are often heightened during the holidays.”
Deabel is the founder of New Identities, a program that deals with the grieving process, and is a consultant to funeral homes on after-care programs and support groups.
“When someone we love dies, we lose our identities. Part of the healing process is finding our new self and our purpose in life,” he said. “That’s why New Identities was formed.”
Such groups provide the necessary emotional support for those dealing with a loss, especially during the holidays.
“It does not take grief away from people; it assists them through it by talking about it. Grief shared is grief diminished,” Deabel said. “We are sharing these ideas, hoping it will make the holidays easier to face.”
Hospice Suburban South works with the terminally ill as well as their families. “Ray Deabel provides a great service of community awareness to these family members both before and after death,” said hospice Executive Director Maureen Rinella. “His programs are wonderful, and he has a wonderful way of speaking to the families of death.
“The holidays are a tough time for many family members who have lost loved ones. Through Ray’s programs, the bereaved are able to face the holidays a little better. He has even created a letter for the bereaved to help them explain to other family members and friends just how they are feeling at this time of the year,” Rinella said
Janet Lence of Tinley Park, grieving the loss of her aunt, attended a recent support group meeting run by Deabel at St. James.
“You need other people, especially when you lose someone close to you,” she said. “This is a really good program. You meet people who feel the same way you do. And sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers about your feelings. I would encourage anyone who is suffering to attend a grief support group like this one.”
According to Deabel, there are strategies for dealing with something as seemingly mundane as holiday mail, which can cause pain to someone struggling with grief.
“Invite a family member or a friend to open it with you or for you. You may wish to bundle it up and save it to open later. Or you can just throw it away. Remember, it’s yours to do whatever you want with it,” Deabel said. “Just follow your heart in sending your own greeting cards. If you do send them, you may want to include a memory message or a poem. It’s your choice.”
Understanding and accepting that life has changed is key, Deabel said.
“You may look like you always did, but you’ve changed. So remember, you have choices about decorating for the season or shopping for gifts. This can be painful, and you may wish to order through the mail. Limit your gifts. Shop with a list, or let someone else do your shopping. Let others know how they can help. Don’t be afraid to ask (someone) to wrap gifts, bake, address cards, shop, clean. This could be a meaningful gift for both you and them.
“Relatives and friends may want you to do things just the way you always did,” Deabel said. “Listen to your heart, and only do the things that feel right to you. Communicate your needs to your family and friends. Consider and decide which party invitations you wish to accept. If you explain to the host why you may not feel like attending this year, they will usually be understanding.”
One way to ease the pain may be to change old habits, Deabel said. “Traditions may change, but the love will still be there. In fact, change your traditional holiday routine completely. Have the meal in a different location.” he advised.
This year, Joan Foglietta of Chicago Heights and her three children will be going to a new place for the holidays. Foglietta’s husband, Richard, died in April, and her best friend, Pat Sizemore, has invited them to her home in Tinley Park.
“We have been friends for 40 years. When Joan lost her husband, I wanted to make the holidays easier for her, so I invited all of her family, including her mother, sisters and brothers, to my home,” Sizemore said.
Foglietta said she is lucky to have Sizemore for a friend.
“She’s my support group. At times, I don’t want to get up, but she tells me, `You know you have to go on.’ You do it, but you don’t have to like it. My husband was a firefighter in Chicago Heights for 22 years, and we have had tremendous support from all the firefighters. They have been wonderful and have been with me every step of the way.”
After three years, Grace Ragonese still misses her husband, John. Her children insist on keeping the old traditions to keep his memory alive.
“He always made lasagna and did all the cooking. After he died, my children wanted me to continue cooking all his favorites,” she said. “I had to learn how to cook the lasagna he made for them. When you have children, you have to go outside of yourself. It helps to have faith.”
Deabel affirmed the tears shed at the support group by Jean Paolino of Frankfort and daughters Judy Kunst of Thornton, Jackie Benjamin of St. John, Ind., and Jayne Leddin of Frankfort.
“We have a very loving family,” Kunst said sadly. “We came here to help our mother and to help ourselves. This is an excellent program. We all needed this.”
Wiping her eyes, Paolino reminisced about her husband, Angelo, who died in May. “He was a good husband and a good father. He loved his 12 grandchildren and his two great-grandchildren. He had a special way with them, and they loved to be with him.”
The family is planning to celebrate Jean and Angelo’s 52nd wedding anniversary, just as they have every anniversary. This year, however, they will attend church, visit the cemetery and all have breakfast together and recall the wonderful times they spent together.
“We can get through this difficult time and live again. We will not always feel as we do today. In spite of it all,” Deabel said, “we will laugh again. In spite of it all, you can find new meaning in life and move ahead.”
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After-care programs and the New Identities support group meet at 7 p.m. Thursdays at Panozzo Brothers Funeral Home Inc., 530 W. 14th St., Chicago Heights. To attend one of Deabel’s programs at the hospital or learn more about the Thursday night support group, call St. James Hospital at 708-756-1000, ext. 6890. Deabel also works with BraveHeart, a program for children 4-18 sponsored by the Hospice Suburban South. For information about BraveHeart, call 708-481-2104.
