Christmas, Hanukkah or any special holiday SHOULD feel nice. But for kids with divorced parents, it may bring confusion and a holiday they hardly recognize. Still, that doesn’t mean Christmas can’t be good, for goodness sake! Read on to discover how life might change – and how you can choose to make things better (or simply chill!).
Changes
Christmas to go: When parents split, holidays split too – scattering kids lots of places.
“I have four Christmases,” says Camilla S., 15, of Chicago, whose parents divorced 11 years ago. There’s an early December celebration with her divorced grandpa, Christmas Eve with her dad, Christmas morning with her mom and Christmas afternoon with her divorced grandma.
Jennifer H., 11, shuttles around too. The Glen Ellyn girl remembers her first Christmas after her parents divorced four years ago: “It felt strange not having everyone there. Sometimes I wish that everyone could come to one house.”
Camilla and Jennifer live near their parents, but some kids travel far and spend a big chunk of Christmas at the airport.
Meal-o-rama: “Kids always say, `I didn’t get divorced, why do I have to chase around and eat at all these strangers’ houses? ‘ ” notes Suzy Yehl Marta. She’s the founder and president of Rainbows, an international divorce support group for kids. “They often end up with three, or even four, holiday meals in any given 48-hour period.”
And if being torn between places and slamming down those mega-meals isn’t enough commotion, some kids get a serving of trash talk about their other parent with their feast. No way is that appetizing!
Strange, new world: Traditions change too. Maybe you’re used to a real tree, but Dad and his girlfriend get a fake one. Or if you always opened gifts on Christmas morning, it may feel funny when that stuff moves to Christmas Eve.
Good-bye, kid stuff: Divorce makes kids grow up fast. Some spend their holiday break baby-sitting younger sibs while Mom works. Others must cope with changes in the family structure, like one boy Marta remembers. “The boy’s baby half-brother got lots and lots of stuff,” Marta says. “The 10-year-old boy got just one present, and the dad’s response was, `Well, you’re all grown up now!’ “
Peter B., 13, of Plymouth, Minn., picks out his own gifts from his dad. “It kind of takes the surprise out of it, and at first that annoyed me,” he says.
Your choices
Start new traditions: Divorce is totally not the kids’ fault, and they have no control over it! But kids have some control over how they handle it. Marta suggests: “Ask the person you feel comfortable talking to, `Can I add suggestions on how we spend the holiday?’ ” Help create new traditions that you’re OK with. After all, traditions have to start somewhere!
Find other kids with divorced parents, says Peter Gerlach, co-founder of the Step Families Association of Illinois. “Everybody needs to tell their story and find out that they’re not weird and not crazy. Other kids are going through the same thing.”
Talk it out: What would make your Christmas merrier? If Dad won’t help you get a gift for Mom, ask another adult. If you need time alone or special help from a counselor, let someone know! Too hard to talk? Try writing a message (or even sharing this article) to get the words out.
Make a list, check it twice: List things that have changed. “Once you can name things and say how you feel about them, the confusion and upset start to go down,” Gerlach says, “just like you get blisters that gradually heal and go away.” You’ll smile even more when you list things that are good!
Count your blessings: Try to be flexible and realize change doesn’t have to mean loss. After his parents divorced last year, Matt D., 10, discovered that he didn’t lose his family or Christmas – they just morphed into something different. The Des Plaines boy tells kids who are sad and worried about changes to look at it like this: “They’re still going to be with their parents at Christmas anyway.”
There ARE more faces and places to see, but kids say that equals more presents. “It’s one of the perks!” Peter B. says.
Most important to remember, Marta says, is the reason you are in such demand in the first place: “It’s because so many people love you and want to spend special time with you!”
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To find a kids’ divorce support group in your area, call Rainbows at 800-266-3206 or visit their Web site: www.rainbows.org.
DIVIDED FAMILY’S HALLMARK MOMENT
Plenty of families are split up – and Hallmark is getting the picture. Have you seen the card company’s new TV commercial that shows a mom dropping her son off at his dad’s house for Christmas? The ad, created by Leo Burnett Co. of Chicago, is very cool and realistic. The mom and dad act awkward and a bit sad as they do the kid handoff, and the kid is glad to see Dad but worried that Santa won’t find both houses. Sure, there’s a sappy moment (this is Hallmark) when the kid gives his dad a card. But the sap is followed by a tender but believable conversation between the parents. We won’t give it away, so be watching for it!
