Long-distance bus travel is an adventure, a way to see the real America, a chance to meet exciting new people . . .
Ah, who are we kidding?
Even under the best of circumstances, long-distance bus travel is an ordeal: slow, messy and exhausting. Sensible people subject themselves to it only because it’s cheaper than flying, easier than driving and safer than hitch-hiking.
If you’re inclined to hop on board, let me share some tips gleaned from personal experience — including a four-day, four-night round trip between Colorado Springs and Orlando, Fla., and a two-day, two-night marathon from Colorado Springs to Dallas. Perhaps what I’ve learned will help you go Greyhound without going to the dogs.
Pre-boarding: Bus travel is a down-home experience, with the emphasis on down. So dress down, and dress comfortably. Wear a flannel shirt, jeans and a pair of shoes that can stand up to scuffs and spills. If you don’t care about impressing anyone or finding a date, consider wearing sweats.
Pack only what you can comfortably carry. For most people, that means one medium-sized suitcase to go into the luggage compartment and a small backpack or duffel bag to bring on board.
Remember, amenities on a bus are practically non-existent, so BYOB (that’s B for blanket, not booze). You’ll also want to think about bringing a pillow.
Because suitcases don’t always arrive at the same destination you do, be sure to stash your toothbrush, medications and other necessities in your carry-on bag. That way, you avoid the embarrassment of stepping off the bus and saying to your host, “Take me to the nearest Kmart. I need fresh underwear.”
Boarding: OK, you’ve bought your ticket, checked your suitcase and you’re waiting in line to board the bus. Keep focused: You’ll need all your wits about you if you’re going to find a good seat.
If you’ve looked at a map, you know roughly where the sun is going to be at sunset or sunrise. So choose the side of the bus where you’re least likely to be roasted and/or blinded.
In the middle of the bus, lurching is less noticeable. If you’re in the back, you’ll have to deal with unpleasant aromas emanating from the restroom. If you’re up front, you’ll be a goner if the bus gets kissed by a Mack truck.
No matter where you sit, you will not have any leg, arm or butt room. If you have the opportunity to sit alone in a row, by all means do so. Your next best bet is to sit next to someone small. Sitting next to an average-size or larger person guarantees that you will spend the entire journey unwillingly pressing the flesh.
Socializing: Making conversation is no problem if you’re lucky enough to have an entire bench to yourself. You can simply talk to yourself.
But don’t get too boisterous. Federal regulations forbid passengers from smoking, drinking, drugging and using abusive or profane language. Try it and you’re liable to get ejected and spend the night shivering outside a gas station/bus stop in the middle of Rabbit Hatch, U.S.A.
Assuming you don’t ejected, you’re bound to end up sitting next to someone who tries to start a conversation. If you don’t want to converse, pretend you’re asleep, or that you don’t speak English.
Food and drink: Buses don’t offer cabin service, so don’t count on getting any free peanuts or pretzels to stem your appetite.
You will, however, get plenty of opportunities to dine at fast-food restaurants. You want gourmet food? Take it on board.
Tip: Bring a box of baby wipes and extra plastic bags for food.
Diversions: Years ago, people actually read great literature on buses. Cracking open fat, 19th Century Russian novels was a great way to break the tedium of driving through those expanses of nothing formally known as Nebraska, Kansas and Texas.
Today, it would only be a matter of time before some wise-guy says, “If you’re so smart, how come you’re riding the bus?”
Stick to lighter fare, such as the National Enquirer, Easyriders magazine or the Starr Report.
If you don’t already own one, invest in a tape or CD player, so you can listen to really loud music or a trashy book on tape. Forget those wimpy open-air headphones. Use only headphones that cover the ear; they’re the only ones capable of drowning out the din.
Be alert, however, for those rare passengers who put on a show worth watching.
A few years ago, late at night, I saw a young man and woman drape themselves with a blanket and squirm around like a couple of rabbits in a gunny sack. Who knows what they were up to — but I swear the temperature inside the bus went up a few degrees.
Tip: Leave the laser pointer at home.
Potty breaks: Ever notice there are never any long lines to use a bus restroom?
That’s because most passengers would rather burst their bladders than set foot in a cramped cubicle made of not-so-stainless steel.
If you can’t wait till the next rest stop, however, be prepared to hold on tight once you’re inside the bus bathroom. Even on the smoothest road, a bus restroom pitches and rolls like a rickety carnival ride. Using one requires the concentration of an Olympic gymnast and the aim of an expert marksman.
If there’s anything worse than a bus restroom, it’s a bus-station restroom. At far too many stations, the toilets look like science projects, and the paper-towel dispensers are empty.
Tip: Go easy on the fluids and consider bringing a bottle of anti-bacterial handwash.
Sleep: If you don’t get some sleep during an overnight bus trip, you’ll be a zombie the next day.
Catching a few zzz’s is easier if you have an entire bench to yourself. Rest your head on the armrest under the window (using the pillow you brought along), dangle your feet over the armrest by the aisle, and hope the rest of your body fits.
With any luck, the lumbering diesel engine will lull you right to sleep.
If you have a seatmate, though, you’re probably in for a rough night. Some seatmates will pretend to be asleep, then slowly sprawl out their arms and legs. So hold your ground. If you give ’em an inch, they’ll take half your seat.
Other seatmates actually will be asleep, but their snoring drowns out your Discman.
Tip: If you want peace and quiet, stuff your ears with silicone earplugs.
Climate control: At some point, it might dawn on you that it’s become unbearably hot. The most likely culprit: a passenger who’s just complained to the driver that it’s too cold. There isn’t much you can do about such a situation, other than complain and hope the driver takes your side.
Tip: Dress in layers so you can peel down when it gets too hot, and add clothing when it gets too cold. And take a blanket or jacket — even if you’re going to Florida.
Things to tell yourself while you’re riding: If God had not meant for us to contemplate eternity, he wouldn’t have invented long-distance bus travel.
Things not to tell yourself while you’re riding: That’s not normal coughing. Must be the new drug-resistant form of TB.
That’s not normal gum-cracking. Must be small-arms fire.
That’s not normal cologne. Must be sarin nerve gas.
