Back before the Internet, when the 500-channel television world didn’t seem as quaint as a quilting bee and writers who quoted Bruce Springsteen’s song about 57 channels (and nothing on) didn’t come off as hacks, you could still parody the specialization of cable channels.
A list of imagined channels, each fitting a narrower niche than the last, was a sure bet for an amusing column. But now, like a Pauly Shore movie or professional wrestling, it is virtually lampoon proof. How do you mock the Golf Channel or what MSNBC has turned itself into, the Crisis du Jour channel?
So instead I simply present what might be called “Readings from `Cable Television Developments: Fall 1998/Winter 1999,’ ” an earnest booklet published regularly by the National Cable Television Association that is about the size of those collections of David Letterman Top Ten Lists — and nearly as engaging.
It achieves its droll effect by — get this — listing the current cable channels and (our focus today) those in development.
We learn, for instance, that Fox Family Channel, the only cable outlet whose name is an oxymoron, is planning to launch two new services this year, The Boyz Channel and The Girlz Channel. They are targeted at kids, who surely need more enticements to watch television, but they will be loved by spelling teacherz, 2.
Also aiming at parents is Baby TV. Suggested slogan: New Parents’ Headquarters for Still More Conflicting Advice.
Moving from propagation of the species to elimination of the bad fellows within it, we have Chop TV, which is not the only enterprise convinced there is an audience for a channel devoted to all things martial arts. Also on the drawing board is The Martial Arts Action Network. Time will tell which is best able to synchronize dialogue with lip movements.
In what may be the narrowest target audience ever, the CEO Channel will go after “the world’s corporate leaders.” The channel’s friends on the board will award it huge bonuses every year, no matter how many people watch. And I am pretty confident it’ll be a non-union shop.
The GETv Program Network takes its head-scratcher of a name not from a popular home appliance line but from the legalized-gambling euphemism, “gaming entertainment industry.” Viva, living room Las Vegas.
Hooked on GETv? Turn for help to The Recovery Channel, dedicated to providing “information, interaction and support” in the homes of those with “addictions and other behavioral health problems.” (Small mystery: It began programming, its listing says, in April 1997, but NCTA still lists it under “Planned Services.”)
But TV-based self-help needn’t be so specific. The Love Network will offer fare on “positive relationships, self-esteem and self-improvement.” Which is not to be confused with The Enrichment Channel and its planned “offerings in self-help, personal growth, practical spirituality, motivation and healing.”
Prediction: Whoever signs Stuart Smalley first wins this battle. And the loser is so devastated it remembers that in early childhood it was ritually abused by the town satanists, a problem it will seek to solve through Therapy Channel Network.
For those more worried about their homes’ infrastructure than their souls’, planned services include Hobby Craft Communications, Home Improvement TV Net, Do-It-Yourself and Collectors Channel. Because HGTV just isn’t enough.
Then, as if in answer to the Golf Channel, there is TFN, The Football Network, bringing you the constant variety of pigskin contests that aren’t shown elsewhere on TV.
Anthropology Programming and Entertainment could be the precursor to a whole range of thrilling channels spun off of college majors. Next: Biochemistry and Linguistics.
Anti-Aging Network is probably in furious negotiations to sew up all the “Matlock” reruns. That’s OK with Senior Citizens Television Network, which (just guessing) wants “Murder, She Wrote.”
You may be able to watch American Legal Network, but will you ever trust it? Advertisers, especially, will want to watch for double billing.
Conservative Television Network pines, paradoxically, for the days when there were only three TV networks.
ComedyNet is pretty sure that the standup boom is coming back.
Local News Network really does plan to offer half-hour newscasts from all around the country, the better to demonstrate the nation’s great range of criminal behavior. Slogan: Fire!
Premier Horse Network won’t be wasting its time on any glue-factory-bound nags.
The Boating Channel, The Auto Channel and Wingspan Air and Space Channel have most modes of conveyance covered, although there does appear to be an opening for The Train Channel.
But the best one in the book — and the one I most fervently hope makes it to air — is The Puppy Channel, described as follows: “Television programming consists of video of `puppies being puppies,’ accompanied by relaxing instrumental music, no talk, virtually no people. A `quiet time’ alternative for families.”
Try making up something as good as that.
