In her paint-splattered jeans and dappled T-shirt, the roller in her hand dripping white paint, Tina Viola hardly appears to be looking for love.
Yet Viola, a widowed mother of two teens, and the 25 other paint-speckled workers who came together this recent Saturday morning to help spruce up a north suburban home for mentally disabled adults have more on their minds than brush strokes.
One or two steal glances as they mix buckets of paint, a couple brush fingers while laying a drop cloth, others chat amiably in a corner near a ladder.
Dressed casually in sweats, old jeans and gym shoes, they say they came to the Glenkirk Foundation Lake Forest home to volunteer for a good cause. But at least a few will admit they were equally drawn by the possibility of meeting that special someone.
Fed up with the bar scene and weary of blind dates, a growing number of single adults are searching for a more meaningful way to connect in a harried, often impersonal world. Thousands of them are turning to volunteering as a way to make that connection, or at least as a method of making new friends.
“When you go to a bar, you go home and think, `Was that worth it?’ When you come here, you say, `Yes.’ Even if you don’t meet someone, you can go home knowing you did something good,” said Viola, 42, as she passed a tray of paint to a fellow single volunteer.
Ed Waxler came to the Lake Forest outing for similar reasons. He has tried singles dances, set-ups and personal ads, and “they all have their place,” he said, but he was looking for something else. The friendly climate of a volunteer group “is as different as night and day” from what he found in other singles outings.
“At a singles dance, it seems like unless you come away with a telephone number it isn’t productive,” said Waxler, 43, an electrical engineer who is divorced. “Here, the major thing isn’t coming away with a number. It is doing something I am interested in doing.”
Viola and Waxler are two of the pioneer members of a new Buffalo Grove-based singles service called Conscience Connections, a business born of founder Sandy Bornstein’s personal frustration with traditional matchmaking methods.
In 1994, Bornstein’s husband died, leaving her alone after nearly 30 years of marriage.
“For my whole adult life, I was married,” said Bornstein, 54. “I had no clue how to enter the dating world.”
After a yearlong mourning period, she decided to try. She wrote a personal ad but got no response. “Maybe I was too honest,” she said. She tried a dating service. “They told me I was too old. They didn’t have anybody in their database suitable for me.”
After a particularly disastrous evening when her date told her he had no money, “I thought, `I am never doing this again.’ “
Then she read a magazine article about a Washington-based group called Single Volunteers. The idea was simple: singles socializing through service. The D.C. group was part of a nationwide network of non-profit groups, each operating independently but loosely organized under the concept of providing monthly group volunteer activities that included a social component, like a picnic lunch, museum visit or pot-luck supper.
The original Single Volunteers group was founded in Vermont in 1995 by Anne Lusk, a divorced mother of two who, like Bornstein, had had enough of the singles scene. Single Volunteer organizations now exist in 11 cities, including Atlanta, New York, Minneapolis, San Diego and Calgary in Canada, and start-up chapters are forming in 11 other cities, including Sydney. Lusk has fielded as many as 800 inquires into starting a chapter.
She isn’t surprised by the rapid growth of the phenomenon.
“The alternatives were not appealing,” Lusk explained.
Far from a revolution in romantic strategy, she said, the idea is actually a step back to a simpler past.
“Single Volunteers goes back to the barn-raising ethic where you were proximate to someone. You were close enough to size them up. You could send out body signals to accept or reject a person,” she said.
Certainly religious groups through the years have recognized the success of mixing singles with service projects.
With its 33-year-old tutoring program, Chicago’s 4th Presbyterian Church is a veteran of the volunteering scene. Popular with young singles and recent transplants to Chicago, the program has had its fair share of love connections.
“Not six months goes by that I don’t receive an invitation to a wedding or a baby shower from people who have tutored here,” said program director Tereatha Akbar. “When people aren’t focused on themselves, their good qualities come out.”
Volunteering together shifts the focus from superficialities to real-life skills, Lusk said.
“You aren’t interested in where the guy went to university. You just want him to pass that 2-by-4,” Lusk said. “You find out if they have a sense of humor, if they handle stress well.”
Bornstein was intrigued by the concept. “My first reaction was, `Gee this sounds like something I am interested in.’ “
Last fall she called Lusk, who now is studying for a master’s degree at the University of Michigan but continues to act as coordinator for national Single Volunteers chapters. Bornstein decided to start a singles group in Chicago, altering Lusk’s vision a bit by making hers a business rather than a non-profit venture.
Bornstein, who already runs a property assessment consulting business in Buffalo Grove, said the only way she could afford the overhead for the service was to charge membership fees. Conscience Connections members pay up to $149 a year (the fee can be reduced for those who can’t afford it) for a quarterly newsletter, a membership directory and an invitation to a monthly group volunteer project, for which Bornstein provides lunch or a snack.
Bornstein began advertising Conscience Connections in January in area newspapers and already has 225 members in her database. The Lake Forest home was the group’s second project.
“I really thought it was the best idea I had ever heard of,” said member Donna Sullivan, 33, taking a break from painting ceilings. Dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt, Sullivan said the morning’s activity has been free of typical dating stresses.
“The focus is not really meeting someone for a date,” said Sullivan, who works as a software consultant. “I think that everybody is focused on the event.”
If you do happen to meet a perfect stranger across a crowded soup kitchen, chances are he’ll be someone special, say volunteering advocates.
Heather Chambers, 29, moved to Chicago in 1993 after college. As a student, she was active in community service, but her Chicago life seemed a stream of work and play, with little opportunity for volunteering.
“There was a lot of partying, going out to bars, doing the whole Rush and Division scene,” she recalled, “It was fun. But I wasn’t really meeting people.”
Chambers heard about a group called Chicago Cares, which organizes mostly group volunteer projects across the city for singles, non-singles and families alike. Members pay no fee but are required to come to one orientation session. They receive a monthly calendar of activities and are able to volunteer as often or as seldom as they like.
For her first activity, Chambers selected a Habitat for Humanity construction project — a worthy cause offering plenty of opportunities to work and talk with others, and just maybe a few male volunteers.
“Was it in the back of my mind? I’m not going to lie,” Chambers said with a smile. “A lot of women go to Habitat projects looking to meet men.” As a consequence, she said, most project volunteers are female. “I tell my guy friends to join Chicago Cares because the odds are so overwhelming.”
On the whole, say volunteering experts, women volunteer more often than men.
This is a challenge singles group organizers like Lusk and Bornstein must overcome. Lusk solves the problem by limiting the number of women who can work a project. Bornstein offers discounted rates for men but is still working to even her ranks. The Lake Forest project brought out only five men.
Against the odds, the Habitat project did lead Chambers to her fiancee, Jim Larson, who is also a Chicago Cares volunteer. But Chambers and others who volunteer are quick to insist their motives in joining were altruistic rather than self-serving.
“Clearly this is not a dating service,” said Chicago Cares spokeswoman Elizabeth Ross Lieberman.
Still, the group’s demographics spell out a recipe for romance.
According to a recent Chicago Cares survey, 77.7 percent of its members are single. More than 75 percent are under the age of 40. And at least 70 percent said they preferred projects where they must interact with other volunteers.
“We don’t use it as a selling point, but we know that it is a great way to get to know Chicago and people,” Lieberman admitted. “Meeting people through Chicago Cares ensures that you are meeting people who are like-minded. It is a natural, comfortable way to meet.”
The group’s monthly social activities, which have included museum tours and wine tastings, recognize the importance of that, she said.
Often potential volunteers are reluctant to divulge a desire to meet someone.
“Generally they don’t say that because they are shy about it. So I’ll say it. And they will smile,” said 4th Presbyterian tutor program director Akbar.
“Nice young people meet other nice young people, and people get together. I always say, `What’s wrong with that?’ “
Although Chambers didn’t expect to find her mate through Chicago Cares, she says love connections among volunteers just make sense.
“I was interested in someone involved in service to the community. Someone who wasn’t necessarily looking to pick someone up,” explained Chambers as she sat with other Chicago Cares members painting pottery at one of the group’s monthly Time Out social gatherings.
By looking for a soulmate through volunteering, “you are going to attract people who are altruistic, which is important,” said Kate Wachs, a psychologist known as Dr. Kate who runs The Relationship Center, a counseling and dating service in Chicago. She also doles out relationship advice over the Internet. “You will attract very kind-hearted people who care about others. These can also be great friends.”
Sometimes, the experience of volunteering can reveal more than you wanted to know.
Matt Brooks signed up for the ultimate volunteer experience: Peace Corps. He, like the 6,700 Peace Corps Volunteers across the globe, spent two years living in a foreign land, learning the language and adjusting to the culture with his fellow volunteers. Little is sacred among volunteers: Cramped quarters mean few secrets are kept hidden.
“You do get to see most of what people do,” said Matt, 27, who finished his service in Mali in 1997. “You see if they leave their clothes on the floor. If they are sick, you see what they act like when they are sick. You see who helps each other. In America on dates, you put your best foot forward. There you put your whole self forward.”
In this climate of adversity, he met fellow volunteer Kat Haines.
“The first thing I noticed about Kat was her energy,” Matt said. “She always had a smile on her face.”
After some initial misgivings, Kat realized she was crazy about Matt, and traveled three days across the deserts of Mali from her small town to his to tell him.
“I stepped off the bus and he was there,” she recalled. “We didn’t even exchange any words. We knew.”
The two were married last December, with Matt taking Kat’s last name.
Although the Peace Corps doesn’t keep statistics on the numbers of volunteers who marry one another, “most people know of at least one relationship,” said Dana Topousis of the Peace Corps press office. Nearly all of its volunteers — 92 percent — are single, she added.
Yet to those who sign up with the Peace Corps in hopes of finding their true love in the mountains of Nepal, the Russian steppes or the jungles of Costa Rica, Matt Haines issues this warning: “Don’t go. It is not the reason to go there. The real reasons are really personal.”
In the end, it doesn’t matter why you volunteer, says the director of one volunteer organization, just that you do your job well.
“People who work in non-profits have always known that there is often another reason for volunteering in addition to wanting to do good in the community,” said Susan Norris, director of the Volunteer Center for the United Way/Crusade of Mercy. Often, “they will say, `I am tired of meeting people in the bars, I am tired of meeting people in health clubs.’ “
However, she added, “the bottom line for the agency is: Are they doing the work that needs to be done?”
If the answer is yes, feel free to flirt with a potential sweetie over the 2-by-4s, paint cans or meal trays. And feel good about the fact that you can wake up the next morning with something better than a hangover and a number scrawled on a bar napkin: the knowledge that you did something worthwhile.
FLIRTING WITH LOVE
Here’s the low down on do-gooder groups and their love potential. A sure thing would rate five hearts. (Note: As with life and love, there are no sure things on this list.)
Chicago cares (heart) (heart) (heart)
Contact number: 312-669-0800
Web site: www.chicagocares.org
Number of members: 5,000
Percentage male to female: About 30-70
Age range: All ages welcome, but about
80 percent are between 18 and 39.
Percentage of single members: About 75
Cost: None
Advantages: Huge member base, no long-term commitment; you pick and choose which projects you want to work on. Friendly, mostly professional members; variety of projects in your choice of location and day; monthly social outings; chapters in cities nationwide.
Disadvantages: Not a singles-only group. Although you may be looking for love, a fellow member might be there to satisfy the urge to do good. Also, not all of the projects allow you to work with other members, and post-project social outings are not coordinated. Conversation time may be limited.
CONSCIENCE CONNECTIONS: (heart) (heart) (heart) 1/2
Contact number: 847-537-4962
Web site: www.conscienceconnections.com
Number of members: 225
Percentage male to female: When the group began in February, it was 10-90; numbers have evened out some now, at 40-60.
Age range: Most are in their 30s and 40s.
Percentage of single members: 100 percent; you must be single to join.
Cost: $149 a year
Advantages: You know everyone is single and is probably there for the same reasons. All activities are group-based and have an introduction/lunch segment, which gives you time to chat. If you are shy about asking for a telephone number, the service can set up the connection for you.
Disadvantages: Paying to volunteer? (Though a good lunch is provided each time.) Member base is still relatively small, and projects are only once each month.
PEACE CORPS: (heart) (heart)
Contact number: 1-800-424-8480
Web site: www.peacecorps.gov
Number of members: 6,700 currently serving volunteers
Percentage male to female: 40-60
Age range: Current volunteers range from 21 years old to 78. Only 7 percent are over 50.
Percentage of single members: 92 percent
Cost: They pay you — sort of. Preparing for service and buying supplies can run you up to $1,000
Advantages: If ever there was an opportunity to become intimate with a group of people, it is when you are sharing stories of food poisoning over a glass of warm yak’s milk. Adversity can reveal one’s true character and also lead to strong, lasting relationships.
Disadvantages: Are you really going to spend two years of your life washing your clothes in a bucket and sending messages by village runners just to get a date? You’ll need a stronger commitment than that to make it through Peace Corps service.
SINGLE VOLUNTEERS: (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart)
Web site: www.singlevolunteers.org
Number of members: Depends on city; Washington has 3,500 members, other cities only a few hundred.
Male to female ratio: Each project is designed for gender equity. They allow only a certain number of women and men to participate.
Age range: Varies from city to city. Average is between 25 and 35.
Percentage of single members: 100 percent. And if you become involved in a serious relationship, you must leave the group.
Cost: None, though individual projects might request nominal donations for food or transportation.
Advantages: If you are single, like to volunteer and would like to meet others like yourself, this is the place. It is easy, cheap and you are guaranteed to meet potential partners in an informal environment. All projects are designed for groups of 12 or more and always include a social component. What happens next is up to you.
Disadvantages: If you live in the Chicago area, you’re out of luck. The closest chapter is probably Minneapolis. Also, you have to act quickly to sign up for a project, space is limited and fills up fast. Some might not like the expulsion rule for those involved in relationships but technically still single (i.e., no wedding band).
4TH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH
Volunteer Tutoring Program: (heart) (heart) (heart)
Contact number: 312-787-2729, ext.221
Number of members: 660
Percentage male to female: 40-60
Age range: All ages, but most are under 40.
Percentage of single members: 75-80 percent
Cost: None
Advantages: A proven success. In 33 years, the program has tutored thousands of children and seen volunteer love bloom countless times. Periodically the church organizes social outings for volunteers, and more often tutors organize their own post-tutoring activity. Though the program is church-sponsored, it is non-denominational. And it boasts lots of single professionals.
Disadvantages: Volunteers tutor 1 1/2 hours once a week throughout the school year, which can be a difficult commitment. Tutoring takes place at the church, 126 E. Chestnut St., and could be inconvenient for those who do not work or live downtown. Tutoring is individual work, which limits the time available to talk with other volunteers.
